The Hunger Games: Catching Fire

THE HUNGER GAMES: CATCHING FIRE PG-13 146 Minutes Director: Francis Lawrence Writers: Simon Beaufoy, Michael Arndt, Suzanne Collins

CAST Jennifer Lawrence–Katniss Everdeen Donald Sutherland–President Snow Josh Hutcherson–Peeta Mellark Liam Hemsworth–Gale Hawthorne Stanley Tucci–Caesar Flickerman Lenny Kravitz–Cinna Woody Harrelson–A. Burnout Philip Seymour Hoffman--Plutarch Heavensbee

‘Give ‘em guns, step back, watch em kill each other’- 2pac, CHANGES

Let The Games Begin

If we can learn anything from the Native Americans, it’s that you can solve all conflicts with archery. Also, archery is an efficient way to split an apple. (I know–William Tell references are so timely). So today I’m reviewing a movie about a girl who shoots arrows. It’s not as bad as it sounds. Just try not to think about things too hard, and you’ll be fine.

I like this movie, without really knowing why. It’s just people killing each other, very creatively.

• HUNGER GAMES is like RAMBO on Steroids…on Steroids 

• Or a season of SURVIVOR gone wrong, featuring only terrorist contestants.

• Or my favorite, the new AMERICAN GLADIATORS.

Characters

Lenny Kravitz really knows how to suck the life out of  a room. Every time he shows up, I sigh.  By my count, I sighed about six times in this film. But one of those was a sigh of relief.  This will be the only spoiler: but I don’t think we’re going to see any more Lenny Kravitz in future HUNGER GAMES films, unless there are flashbacks of him, or prequels. In a round about way,  I’m trying to say that he died. Yes, Lenny Kravitz died, very violently.

Donald Sutherland is such a menacing villain. And he’s good at playing one in movies.

Philip Seymour Hoffman, I’m surprised to see him in such a mainstream blockbuster. Even though he did the bare minimum in promoting this movie, Hoffman still puts much effort, in what he knows is a silly role: that’s admirable.

This Katniss character, she seems cold, and standoffish, like Jodie Foster. Maybe it’s because she’s killed so many people. Or perhaps it’s because she has suffered at the hands of so many men. She treats the men in her life like shit. Katniss needs to improve her mental health, before she breaks anymore hearts, literally, and figuratively speaking. I think therapy and treatment for PTSD are in order, which would include some potent pharmaceuticals.

Parting Words

What will happen next in THE HUNGER GAMES? I have no way of knowing, unless I read the books. Which could take a couple of weeks. Besides, I criticize movies, I don’t read books…for the purposes of movie criticism. I do know that we’ve got two more movies. And not many more people to kill off. That utopia couldn’t be too far off into the future.

This isn’t a movie made specifically for thinking people. It does have a similar ending to BIO-DOME. But that’s beside the point.  THE HUNGER GAMES series is for 13-year-old girls.  But they are not the only ones that can enjoy this movie. Pedophiles and psychopaths might like it too. And to you, the reader, wherever you may fall on the pedophile-psycopath continuum: I’m sure you won’t leave the theater hungry.

Final Verdict: 89 out of 100

Dear Mr. Watterson

DEAR MR. WATTERSON
G
89 Minutes
Director: Joel Allen Schroeder
Berkeley Breathed, Jef Mallett, Stephan Pastis

‘Are you the creator of HI AND LOIS because you are making me laugh.’
Jeff Albertson, THE SIMPSONS, 3F16

Cast (No one you would know, except Seth Green. He plays himself)

A Back Story For Those Unfamiliar With CALVIN AND HOBBES

Hobbes was a Bengal tiger, living in India. His life was so harsh, that he created a fictitious, suburban life for himself, as a coping mechanism. In this fantasy world, Hobbes lived side-by-side with an imaginative, 6-year-old boy named Calvin. The CALVIN AND HOBBES comic strip is about their pretend adventures.

Most people would describe CALVIN AND HOBBES as a better version of GARFIELD. While that's true, it's only a small part of the picture.

As a kid, during silent reading, I would always choose to read WHERE’S WALDO?, MAGIC EYE, and CALVIN AND HOBBES. Among the three, CALVIN AND HOBBES was the easiest to write a book report on, and was by far, one of my favourite things to read.

I can see why Mr. Watterson didn’t want his product merchandised. GARFIELD is the best example of merchandising gone too far.  That comic strip is as annoying as Nermal.  And even Bill Murray couldn’t save those less than purrrfect movies. I don’t know how Jim Davis sleeps at night. No, that’s not true. He sleeps with a Garfield fleece blanket, and an Odie shaped pillow, atop a stack of C-Notes.

The whole time, you think the documentary is leading up to an interview with the author. It’s definitely possible, the man isn’t dead. But all I get are tales of unrequited admiration by pseudo-celebrities. You put up with all the not-so-interesting interviews, thinking there’s an eventual pay off, and then the film ends.

I’m not saying there wasn’t anything interesting. I found out many new things. Like they stopped making CALVIN AND HOBBES comics… almost 20 years ago. Another tidbit: those decals, where Calvin is peeing on a Chevy logo...Mr. Watterson did not authorize that piece of merchandise.

This documentary is not grrreat! If Bill Watterson saw this movie, he’d  plotz dead. Then he’d spin in his grave until he became nauseous. At which point, Bill would vomit for all eternity.

‘Worst Comic Movie Ever’

Final Verdict: 55 out of 100

Sidenote: Rest in Peace, Brian Griffin. I hope your death is a sick, twisted joke by Seth McFarlane. I do like his replacement though. ‘Paulie’, from THE SOPRANOS.

12 Years A Slave

12 YEARS A SLAVE
R
134 Minutes
Director: Steve McQueen
Writers: John Ridley (screenplay), Solomon Northup
Chiwetel Ejiofor, Michael K. Williams, Michael Fassbender

CAST
Chiwetel Ejiofor…Solomon Northup
Dwight Henry…Uncle Abram
Dickie Gravois…Overseer
Bryan Batt…Judge Turner
Ashley Dyke…Anna
Paul Dano…Tibeats
Brad Pitt…Bass

Born free and life is worth living
But only worth living
‘Cause you’re born free
BORN FREE, Andy Williams

To answer your question: this film is not about my public school experience. Although Solomon Northup was much like me, born in New York. But our similarities end there. Well, maybe there’s a bit more than that. We’re both strikingly handsome, well-endowed, human males, that were born free. The difference is that I’m not African-American, and no one has kidnapped, and forced me into slavery…yet. But slavery was Solomon’s fate. Technically, he was illegally enslaved. But for the record, I believe that all slaves were illegally enslaved, as controversial as that opinion may seem.

‘That’s not America! That’s not even Mexico.’

There isn’t much wrong with this film. Aside from the plantation owners being painted with a broad brush. I don’t know, I wasn’t alive back then. But I’m certain they can’t all be that bad.

Characters

The preacher from THERE WILL BE BLOOD, plays such a convincing racist, that even Paula Deen would tell him to take it easy.

You wonder how all the actors got, and stayed into character. I can just see it now, Paul Giamatti yelling racial slurs at the Long John Silver’s catering crew.

The plantation owners wife is a total bitch, with a capital cunt. Probably the most ruthless person in this movie. Just because her husband is sleeping with a slave, doesn’t mean that slave needs to get sent to another plantation.

Brad Pitt shows up toward the end. He’s the noble, super-chill guy, that works at a plantation. This character wasn’t really necessary, but it was nice to get a break from all the angry, intense characters.

Now Wait One, Cotton-Pick’n-Second

The actors in 12 YEARS do a fine job playing slaves. And that’s very important for this type of movie. Because some people are not suited for portraying slaves on-screen. For example, Robert Downey Jr would be a bad slave. That is, unless you used full, TROPIC THUNDER makeup. On a related note, I think some actors would make better slave owners than others. Leonardo DiCaprio and Foghorn Leghorn are ideal examples. But someone like Mark Ruffalo wouldn’t fit the part. In this film, I didn’t think Michael Fassbender would play such a convincing plantation owner. Being English and all, nonetheless, Fassbender was impressive.

This is different from other slave movies. It’s more authentic, because the story isn’t told through the eyes of a white person. 12 YEARS A SLAVE feels like a more modern version of ROOTS, without O.J. Simpson.

12 YEARS is the ultimate, feel-bad-movie-of-the-year. So it doesn’t call for repeated viewings. But fa reelz, check this shiznit out, it’s off the chain.

Final Verdict: 95 out of 100

About Time

ABOUT TIME
PG-13
123 Minutes
Director: Richard Curtis
Writer: Richard Curtis
Domhnall Gleeson, Rachel McAdams, Bill Nighy

CAST
Domhnall Gleeson...Tim
Rachel McAdams...Mary
Bill Nighy...Dad
Lydia Wilson...Kit Kat
Lindsay Duncan...Mum

'I'm a sucker for time travel movies.  Even ones with Kenau Reeves.' -E. Dunn

Back To The Future

A great rapper one said life is too short , but maybe it doesn't have to be. This story involves Tim, a young English man. He kind of looks like that ginger kid from Harry Potter. And he comes across as another version of Hugh Grant, except he's charming, and lands all his jokes.

On his 21st birthday, Tim's father tells him he can relive any moment of his life with time travel. To time travel, you go into a closet, clench your fists, and think about the moment you want to travel to. That's the basic premise. There are many caveats, but I don't want to bore you with those details.

If I Could Turn Back Time

In ALADDIN, Robin Williams said you can make people love you. This rule always applies to the movie world, any probably to life is well.  And it's true in this movie. But with Tim's gift, I think he'd have no problem in finding quality women to sleep with. For a 21-year-old man, that's just as good.

This all sounds wonderful. But I'm sure there be a downside. You might experience more tragedy in your life as well. Like all those hangovers. No wait, I've got it. I can avoid that mess by recreating the same drunken night, over and over...brilliant.

GROUNDHOG DAY appears like the most comparable film to ABOUT TIME. But it's very much different. For starters, Bill Murray is in around. Secondly, in GROUNDHOG DAY, the main character lives the same day, indefinitely, and it's not by choice. But in this film, Tim gets to relive any moment of his own life, and live with some of the consequences.

There's an old cliché that no one's perfect. But I've always thought that even if you could be perfect, it isn't like all your problems would end. You'd still have to deal with envious people, intent on ruining your life. At least that's always been my experience. In this story, Tim is perfect. It never felt like he experienced any form of personal tragedy. Perhaps Tim would really experience life this way. Still, this lack of conflict makes me think the movie is missing something. Because there's not enough downside to Tim's 'affliction'. Overall, this issue doesn't detract much from the film.

Perfect The Art Of Dying

Maybe the point of ABOUT TIME is that we shouldn't spend our limited time watching movies, even this one. Although this seems unlikely, that type of message wouldn't take two hours to convey. ABOUT TIME is original thoughtful and life affirming. Watching it will make you feel good: watching-kitten-videos-on-YouTube feel good. Watch this when you feel like it, you've got plenty of time.

Final Verdict: 90 out of 100

Bad Grandpa

BAD GRANDPA
R
92 Minutes
Director: Jeff Tremaine
Writers: Fax Bahr , Spike Jonze, Adam Small, Jeff Tremaine, Johnny Knoxville,
Johnny Knoxville, Jackson Nicoll, Greg Harris

Cast
Johnny Knoxville...Irving Zisman
Jackson Nicoll...Billy
Greg Harris...Chuc

'Whoever you are, I have always depended on the kindness of strangers.' -Tennessee Williams, A STREET CAR NAMED DESIRE

BAD GRANDPA expands on a sketch from JACKASS NUMBER 2. Hmmm, interesting, I’m just noticing the joke in that title.

This film is JACKASS, with a fictional story. Which amounts to an Andy Kauffman-esque social experiment. It's fascinating knowing what human beings are capable of in bizarre situations. If I kill someone, I now know that a stranger just might help me dispose of the dead body, no questions asked.

I’m not a comedy snob. I laugh at homeless people all the time. Still though, I've always deemed JACKASS as bad, lowbrow humor. But when I take a second look at those films, I realize they aren't all that bad. And now, I no longer have a problem with Johnny Knoxville, unless he’s in real..ish movies.

We revere, and respect old people, at least publicly. Older folks have more of a reason to act out. I look forward to growing old and senile. Because I can blurt out inappropriate comments, and people think that all is excusable because I'm going to die soon.

Irving is the 'bad' grandpa. It's best to think of him as a thin Wilford Brimley. He has an 8-year-old grandson. The kid is a composite of MAN SHOW Boy, and the kid from BAD SANTA. These two are forced into a cross-country road trip. And wouldn't you know, hilarious hijinks ensue.

This movie's main flaw is it's not consistently funny. The first half was difficult to watch. Because it was just an old guy acting like an asshole. And that type of behavior can't sustain a movie, unless it stars Clint Eastwood. This film became passable in the second half, once Irving actually turned into a human being. By the end of the movie, BAD GRANDPA felt like an obscene, John Hughes film. And I don't mean that in a bad way.

Most people will notice much of the story arc is borrowed from other films. But it doesn't bother me so much. In this context, those borrowed scenes are markedly different; because everything is done with real life in the backdrop. No one was 'in on' any of the gags. And people thought tragic events were unfolding right in front of them. That makes this movie both funny and interesting.

Imagine watching an episode of AMERICA’S FUNNIEST HOME VIDEOS...and actually laughing. BAD GRANDPA is kind of like that.

Final Verdict: 76 out of 100

Nude Changes

Now that I've got your attention with typo in the blog post title...I have some new changes. In addition to my point system, at the end of every review I will start giving a visual representation of each score. The lower scores are 'BLUE', and the highest scores will garner a 'WELL DUNN', with much in between. I'm implementing this system for future reviews. And I plan to retroactively place these at the end of my old reviews (that process may take awhile). I like this idea, but for the record, it wasn't my idea, so if it doesn't work out, I know who to blame.

Thanks, E. Dunn

Rating System

Escape Plan

ESCAPE PLAN
R
115 Minutes
Director: Mikael Håfström
Writers: Miles Chapman, Jason Keller,
Sylvester Stallone, Arnold Schwarzenegger, 50 Cent

CAST
Sylvester Stallone…Ray Breslin
Arnold Schwarzenegger…Emil Rottmayer
Jim Caviezel…Hobbes
Vincent D’Onofrio…Lester Clark
Curtis ’50 Cent’ Jackson…Hush

Basic premise: After a 30 year stint for aggravated manslaughter, Ray Breslin becomes a school janitor. Ten minutes later, he holds a classroom hostage. During an 8 hour standoff, Sly murdered and raped an entire class of third graders.  After taking care of business,  Sly surrendered to local authorities. He gets life in prison, and now Breslin plans his escape.

What If Everything Goes Wrong?

Not really, here’s the real story. Ray Breslin escapes from jail, for a living. He tests maximum security prisons, and writes big books on prison security. Ray can break out of any prison designed by man.

Mr. Breslin goes to an off-the-grid, privately run prison. This place houses terrorists, and the monsters that download music illegally. It makes Gitmo look like Chuck E. Cheese. On his first day in the joint, the warden wants to put a little scare into him;  so Ray’s eyes get pinned open, CLOCKWORK ORANGE style. And the warden makes him watch COBRA, once, all the way through.

This Prison Just Exceeded Its Maximum Capacity…Him.

Ray has escaped for decades, but at such an advanced age,  without a constant supply of HGH, his physical condition deteriorates quickly, making escape much more difficult. He’s going to have to rely solely on skill. This is where all that RAMBO/ROCKY/STOP OR MY MOM WILL SHOOT training pays off.

Smart people usually don’t end up in maximum security prison. In LAW AND ORDER:CI, Detective Goren lands himself in jail. All to prove that the prison was killing problem inmates. The premise of that episode was different, still though, both Goren and Ray had to play a pretend, dumb prisoner.

Get Free Or Die Tryin’

Curtis ’50 Cent’ Jackson plays a smart guy with glasses. But don’t worry, this Poindexter proves he is still gangsta as shit.

Vincent D’Onofrio plays the head of a prison security analyst firm…who is secretly evil. He doesn’t want Stallone to leave the jail he’s landed himself in. For the first time, I’m a little disappointed with D’Onofrio here. He is getting a lower placement on my top three actors list.

Current list:
1. Christopher Walken
2. Philip Seymour Hoffman
3. Vincent D’Onofrio
Vince, I’m sorry it had to come down to this.

Arnold and Stallone have a chemistry I didn’t expect. Ten years from now , I could see them doing GRUMPIEST OLD MEN together, this film’s sequel. Someone is going to have to take care of all those members of al-Qaeda that escaped in this movie.

Last Words
 
In any good prison escape film, there’s a final showdown with the warden.  Like you duct tape your hand to an electric chair switch, while Donald Sutherland is sitting down in the chair.  That type of pivotal moment doesn’t exist here, and it’s unfortunate. Still though, I think ESCAPE PLAN is worth seeing. I know this film is bad, yet I can’t take my eyes off it. Nothing is good, everything is predictable. I like it, but you might not. It’s probably best to watch this hung over.

Final Verdict: 70 out of 100

Ghost Chase (Retro)

GHOST CHASE (1987)
89 Minutes
PG
Director: Roland Emmerich
Writers: Roland Emmerich , Thomas Kubisch
Stars: Jason Lively, Tim McDaniel, Jill Whitlow

Cast
Jason Lively…Warren McCloud
Tim McDaniel… Fred
Jill Whitlow…Laurie Sanders
Leonard Lansink…Karl
Paul Gleason…Stan Gordon
Unknown Voice Over Actor…Louis (Alien Butler)

So My Granfather’s Butler Is An Alien

Everything in this movie was so convoluted, where do I start?

Warren McCloud gets a grandfather clock after his rich grandfather dies. The details are sketchy, but I believe the grandfather committed a murders-suicide, and his buttler died in the same incident. A lot of money is hidden in the McCloud estate.

This grandfather clock contains the spirit of the butler. One night, when the clock rang 12, the butler comes back as a ghost, but not just any ghost, one that inhabits the body of an animatronic alien, movie prop. He’s knows of a large inheritance that is owed to the person he’s haunting.

The principal from THE BREAKFAST CLUB plays the villain, Stan Gordon. I don’t know what motivates his behavior. This villain has one of his über-German cronies follow Warren and his friends. I think he wants the clock or something.

When I looked at the movie synopsis, I was under the impression the ghost would take over the body of a real alien. That’s something no one has done. Regardless of how good it was, I would still want to see a movie where an alien got possessed by a ghost, perhaps ALF. But a ghost inhabiting a doll, that is not interesting. That TED movie only worked because a ghost wasn’t involved.

While We’re On The Subject…

If I were a ghost, and got to inhabit a doll, I’d pick Teddy Ruxpin. I’d sound normal when a kid’s parents were around. Then, I don’t know…I’d have him run personal errands, and freak random people out. But I would only freak out crazy people. Because no one’s going to believe their story.

Questions

• Where did the alien butler find butler clothes in his size?


• How does the butler the reach the pedals when he drives a car?


• What’s this movie about?

On the surface this film looks derivative. Mostly because of the Yoda-ET-hybrid animatronic doll. But it’s not derivative. As a whole, this type of film has never been done before. And it should never be done again.

It looks like director, Roland Emmerich (INDEPENDENCE DAY, STARGATE), has a blemish, on an otherwise perfect cannon of studio art.

Ending On A Positive Note

That alien doll was kind of neat. I liked his accent, and overall personality. So in good conscience, I can’t possibly give this movie a zero.

Final Verdict: 10 out of 100
Sidenote: There is an uncut, PG-13 version of this film. It’s about 12 minutes longer. Be forwarned, this extra footage includes drinking, smoking, and profanity. It’s difficult to find this uncut movie, unless you want a German-dubbed, VHS copy.

Gravity

GRAVITY
91 Minutes
PG-13
Director: Alfonso Cuarón
Writers: Alfonso Cuarón, Jonás Cuarón
Sandra Bullock, George Clooney, Ed Harris

Cast
Sandra Bullock…Ryan Stone
George Clooney…Matt Kowalski
Ed Harris…Mission Control (voice)

I Believe I Can Fly
I Believe I Can Touch The Sky
I BELIEVE I CAN FLY, R Kelly

Space movies usually aren’t very convincing. Until now, you really had to suspend disbelief to get through a film, or episode of MAGIC SCHOOL BUS. Have you seen CONTACT? There is absolutely no way Matthew McConaughey would ever be interested in Jodie Foster. But I digress. I think the only space movie that’s as convincing as GRAVITY is 2001: A SPACE ODYSSEY.

I Think About It Every Night And Day
I Spread My Wings And Fly Away

Think of GRAVITY as TITANIC in the sky. Without the romantic chemistry between the two main characters. Matt and Ryan are working on an American space station. When they’re 8² miles high, they get wind of a possible PERFECT STORM of blown-up, satellite parts. They didn’t take the warning seriously until space junk came hurling toward them. At this point, they understood the GRAVITY of the situation. Getting out of this SPACE JAM will be difficult.

I don’t want to spoil anything, but George Clooney was dead the whole time…just kidding, I’m not ruining a movie this good.

I hate to get political, but all this happened because of the American debt crisis. When you don’t fund NASA properly, bad things can happen. Just the other day, I was unable to retrieve pictures of Saturn from the internet…for this review. But for Ryan and Matt, things are slightly tougher.

I Believe I Can Soar
I See Me Running Through That Open Door

I only had one issue with this film. The cast members weren’t nearly attractive enough (for their age). But seriously, I didn’t get what the original mission was. The project Ryan, and Matt were working on before everything went wrong. I guess it’s not that important.

If you don’t like George Clooney, speaking hypothetically, I can’t really say I know such a person, nor could I even imagine such a person…no, I mean beast. A Clooney-hating beast unworthy of inhabiting planet earth, or the firey hell below our feet. Yes, I believe that even inhuman monsters will enjoy GRAVITY. Watch this in an IMAX theater, with 3D glasses.

I Believe I Can Fly
I Believe I Can Fly
I Believe I Can Fly

FInal Verdict: 95 out of 100

Battle Of The Year

BATTLE OF THE YEAR
110 Minutes
PG-13
Director: Benson Lee
Writers: Brin Hill, Chris Parker
Josh Holloway, Josh Peck, Chris Brown

'They're in a class all by themselves. They're the best
at what they do. And not you or anybody
is gonna take that away.'
-Christopher McDonald, BREAKIN' (1984)

Cast
Josh Holloway('Sawyer')...Jason Blake
Laz Alonso...Dante Graham
Josh Peck ...Franklyn
Chris Brown...Rooster'

The director of BATTLE OF THE YEAR, Benson Lee, made the good documentary, PLANET B-BOY, on which this movie is based. But his brilliance doesn’t transcend into the fictional world of break dancing. I think it’s because, with documentaries, well...they're hard to screw up.

From what I gathered, the basic premise is: America invented hip hop, if we don’t have the best B-Boy team in the world, then we might as well have spit on the troops that stormed the beaches in Normandy.

And thus, a coalition of freakishly talented dancers formed into, what some might call: a ‘Dream Team’. This ‘Dream Team’ may not have Michael Jordan, or Magic Johnson, but it does have one of Shawn Kemp’s kids.

‘You call yourself the ‘Dream Team’…more like the Dream Girls.’

Issues With This Film

-There isn't a token white girl, whose rich, unhip, conservative dad disapproves of her street thuggery, and the colored folks she associates with.

-Josh Peck is an assistant coach. I don't know how such an assistant would occupy his time. He's just standing there, with a clipboard and whistle, not offering anything of value to anyone.

-The trailer said this was coming out in January. Everyone knows that's when all the good movies come out. I hate being lied to.

-America's final dance was gimmicky. They did a routine blindfolded. Completely undermining the fundamentals of B-Boying. That should have been grounds for disqualification.

-Their choice of dancing attire seemed unimaginative.

-This is playing in actual movie theaters.

-There not being nearly enough of MTV's 'Sway'.

Things I Did Like

-I didn’t mind the lack of historical inaccuracy. Because it means a predictable film becomes slightly less so.
-Josh Holloway is doing alright for himself.
-The actors portrayal of the real people from the documentary were spot-on. I mean this in appearance (e.i. the sideways Yankee hat), and in overall dooshiness.
- Accurate subtitles for German, French, and Korean spoken language parts.

’For someone like me, this shit is it man. I’m never going to get another shot at this…ever.’

The Movie’s Conclusion: Breakin' Bad

Rooster twisted an ankle in practice, right before the big game. The coach promptly told him to make like Chris Brown and beat it. You can’t do much with crutches, except break your team’s chances of winning. Someone needed to replace rooster. So they brought back the guy kicked off the team for selling crack.

The Americans made it to the world championship. But in the end, the Koreans won. Don’t worry though, everything was on the up-and-up. This wasn’t like Roy Jones Jr getting robbed of the gold in 1988. America came in a less-than-respectable 2nd place. Which is a smart move. All that unfinished business leaves the door open for a sequel.

The strangest moment came toward the end. The coach started talking. He got all teary eyed, and starts talking about losing his family in a car wreck. Oh, that’s why he was drinking out of a flask, and acting like a dick. And the film ends on that note.

All My Complaints Pale In Comparison To This One Thing…

I’ve seen every dance movie, from STEPPIN’ UP to YOU GOT SERVED. I even remeber the part of FORREST GUMP, where he dances with his bloodhound to SWEET HOME ALABAMA. As an expert in dance movie, I can definitely say that this movie lacks Patrick Swayze and Jennifer Gray. And ultimately, that alone, killed it for me.

Final Verdict: 12 out of 100

Rush

RUSH
R
123 Minutes
Director: Ron Howard
Writer: Peter Morgan
Daniel Brühl, Chris Hemsworth, Olivia Wilde

CAST
Daniel Brühl…Niki Lauda
Chris Hemsworth...James Hunt
Olivia Wilde…Suzy Miller
Alexandra Maria Lara…Marlene Lauda

Ron Howard: Why do you think I stopped acting and became a director?
Homer: I don’t know, because you weren’t cute anymore?
THE SIMPSONS, BABF02

A couple of months ago, if you asked me if I wanted to see RUSH. I would have been like, ‘no. no, man, shit, no, man’, I’d start swinging a broken pool cue at your face. And then you would have said, ‘oh, no I’m not talking about the band, its a Formula 1 racing movie’. I’d calm down, and think that it would be a crappy movie, like a POLE POSITION Video game movie.

The movie trailers over-hyped the merits of this film. That is my main issue with RUSH. It’s not bad, it’s about as entertaining as this type of film can be. I would go as far as to say that this is the best Formula 1 racing movie since DRIVEN. Watching this is not a life changing experience, unless you’ve lead a rather uninteresting life.

RUSH, another movie from the guy who gave us COCOON, THE DIVINCI CODE, and black stereotypes.

Hammer Time

James Hunt plays a British playboy-mack. With long, blonde hair, reminiscent of Fabio in his younger days. Before he tangled up with father time.

The Man Without A Face

Daniel Brühl is the conservative, overly-analytical Austrian. One look at him, and you know he’s no fun at parties. Like the Perrier guy in TALLADEGA NIGHTS.

Two competitive guys, in an epic rivalry, on par with Wilson and Kaepernick. The only difference is both of these drivers are very talented. You find yourself rooting for the carefree guy, there isn’t any other option. No one wants a guy with a stick up his ass to win anything.

The soundtrack is kind of what you’d expect. Seventies rock, that really isn’t that bad…I guess. If I were directing this, I would put Elton John’s CIRCLE OF LIFE somewhere, because it just seems appropriate.

Behind the veil of historical accuracy, they created a cigarette ad. When James Hunt wasn’t driving a Marlboro car he was smoking one. To me it’s not a big deal, but it’s a big part of the movie.

I learned many important life lessons from watching this movie

• Some things are more important than winning car race. Like screwing models, and looking good.


• Rush can mean energetic euphoria; or one be in a rush, as in pressed for time.
  


• You can win a race, but there are no real winners in life.


• Don’t intentionally hurt people when you’re driving.


• Live each day like it was your last.


• It’s about the journey not the destination.

The Ultimate Finish Line

James Hunt lived dangerously, without any consideration of the future. In keeping with his life philosophy, I suggest you watch this on your phone while you’re driving and texting. But only do this if you’re in a rush.

Final Verdict: 80 out of 100

The Butler

THE BUTLER
132 Minutes
PG-13
Director: Lee Daniels
Writer: Danny Strong
Oprah Winfrey, Forrest Whitaker, John Cusack

Cast
Forest Whitaker...Cecil Gaines
David Banner...Earl Gaines
Oprah Winfrey...Gloria Gaines
Robin Williams...Dwight D Eisenhower
Lenny Kravitz...John F Kennedy
Cuba Gooding Jr...Carter Wilson
Terrence Howard...Howard
John Cusack...Richard Nixon
Nelsan Ellis...Martin Luther King Jr
Tom Cain...Racist Cop #37

I Don't Want To Sound Racist: An Essay By E. Dunn

Cramming history into a film is possible, like with FORREST GUMP or GAHNDI. But it doesn't feel seamless here. It all just felt like an answer to 2016: OBAMA'S AMERICA.

Robin Williams wasn't too bad as Dwight D-Day Eisenhower, but it felt like he didn't need to be there, perhaps someone else could have played him better. Like Tom Selleck. I know he's only played Eisenhower, the general, but I think he would be a decent president, and I think he could play the part of President Eisenhower better than Eisenhower himself. Because he's dead, and dead guys can't act. Just look a WEEKEND AT BERNIE'S.

I'm not the first to say this, but Cuba Gooding Jr. looks like Terrence Howard. It's funny, until now, I thought Cuba was having a real career renaissance. This was confusing. I couldn't tell who Oprah was having an affair with: black guy #2 from IRON MAN, or the SNOW DOGS actor.

What's the deal with Forrest Whitaker's lazy eye? I'm tired of looking at it. This issue needs to get resolved. We've turned a blind eye for far too long. The most likely solution is inserting a CG-eye in post-production. Another eye-dea: Forest Whitaker gets baked constantly, this way both eyes become lazy.

'I'm sorry I had to fight in the middle of your Black Panther party.' -FORREST GUMP

As opposed to the butler, Cecil's kids actually lead interesting lives. One son died in combat, and the other joined the black panthers. But their stories were largely glossed over.

I like that THE BUTLER wasn't so one-sided. We got to hear what the civil rights people believed, and we got to hear the thoughts of white supremacists as well. As a member of the audience, I was free to draw my own conclusions.

My critique of this film has been harsh. So it may surprise you that I think this movie is okay, in the literal sense that is.  Parts of it were excellent, and as a whole, THE BUTLER is not a complete waste of time, but it's not essential viewing material either.

If you enjoy butlers in Civil Rights movies. I suggest watching CRY FREEDOM. Featuring Geoffrey, the butler from FRESH PRINCE. It's an apartheid movie with Denzel Washington.

Final Verdict: 65 out of 100

License To Drive (Retro)

LICENSE TO DRIVE (1988)
88 Minutes
PG-13
Director: Greg Beeman
Writer: Neil Tolkin
Corey Haim, Corey Feldman, Carol Kane

Cast
Corey Feldman…Dean
Corey Haim…Les Anderson
Carol Kane…Mrs. Anderson
Richard Masur…Mr. Anderson
Heather Graham… Mercedes

Baby you can drive my car
And maybe I’ll love you
-The Beatles, DRIVE MY CAR

Celebrity in Profile: Corey Haim
This is the first of a 12 part series on Corey Haim. First, DEMOLITION HIGH (1996), co-starring Alan Thicke. And second, ME, MYSELF AND I (1989), a day-in-the-life movie, where all he does is practice basketball, hockey, and baseball…while looking awesome.  I’m only kidding, not about those titles, those do actually exist, but I can’t watch 12 Corey Haim films. One will suffice.

1988 was a hell of a year. Rick Astley released TOGETHER FORVER.  Reagan was showing early symptoms of Alzheimer’s in his last year of office. Dukakis had the tank thing.  And I almost forgot: LICENSE TO DRIVE was released. I chose to review this movie, because career-wise, and life-wise, this is when the Coreys reached their peak.

The movie poster looks cool with its Cruisin’ USA graphics, and the sunglasses.  But does it win the race? At the track, it starts out in pole position. As a relatively entertaining,  adolescent fantasy: like being left home alone, or hitchhiking to get to a Super Mario Brothers competition. But on the last stretch of the race, this vehicle plows into a farmer’s market, full of make-a-wish children.

Corey #2 fails his driving test, the only problem is he already told Heather Graham they were going out this weekend. And she’s like the hottest girl at school. His only option is to lie about passing the driving exam. From there, he’ll go joyriding in the family car. All without his folks noticing anything’s amiss. Disregard that she’s only trying to make her ex jealous. Also, I should note that there is no way this Les character will get beyond his one pity date, at least not with the car he has now.
 
I have a soft spot in my heart for a kid like this.  I failed my driving test three times. After the third fail, I don’t know what happened, some say a DOL employee’s heart grew three sizes that day, to that of half of a human, and on my fourth attempt, they gave me that easiest test administrator in the state. I didn’t just pass, I received a 92.

Favorite Scene:
Corey Feldman taking booby Polaroids of a passed out, drunk girl in the back seat of a Cadillac. She’s placed in the trunk, moments later.
 
The film you describe sounds cool. But I don’t want to hear any Billy Ocean songs. What should I do?

After watching the trailer, you may wonder how to avoid hearing Billy Ocean’s GET INTO MY CAR. But don’t fret, just follow my instructions. In the DVD setup menu, hit languages, then hit Spanish. As it turns out, the Spanish dub has a completely different soundtrack. But this will only work if you understand Spanish.

Final Verdict: 15 out of 1000
No, that was a typo. Still, it’s really bad.
Final Verdict: 15 out of 100

Paranoid

PARANOIA
PG-13
104 Minutes
Director: Robert Luketic
Writers: Jason Dean Hall, Barry Levy

Cast
Liam Hemsworth...Adam Cassidy
Gary Oldman...Nicolas Wyatt
Harrison Ford...Jock Goddard
Amber Heard...Emma Jennings

'Someone is always listening.'
-Movie Dialogue

I was going to review FROZEN GROUND, but I'm having a little writer's block with the Nick Cage jokes. So I'm leaving him out of this week's review. Ladies and Gentleman, make note of this historic event, because it's about as rare as a total lunar eclipse: for one week, a film Nick Cage is in isn't the worst thing playing at the box office.

Interview With The Vampire

Nicolas Wyatt blackmails Adam, an employee of his, to infiltrate a rival cell phone company, and steal their secrets. After getting hired by the rival, Adam has a tough time maintaining the professional façade, and I hope I'm not spoiling anything here, but he becomes a little paranoid. Well, more than just a little, like Art Bell-Tin Foil-Hat paranoid.

Ten minutes into the movie, these are my predictions:

• Things don't go as planned.


• Princeton girl will betray him. Those two are fucking.


• Adam's fake new employer is going to double cross him, as well as his real current employer. Nonetheless, Adam will get his revenge on the double crossers.


• The feds will get involved, but we won't know that untill the end.


• They knew everything...the whole time.


• This movie is going to rock.

Most of my predictions were correct:

• Nothing went as planned, everything went horribly wrong.


• That Princeton girl betrayed him. And those two are definitely fucking. They're soul mates, that will end up getting married.


• Adam's employers double crossed him, but he had the last laugh.


• The feds got involved, but it was more toward the middle of the movie.


• Everyone knew everything, the entire time. Adam should have taken some precautions. If I were him, I'd communicate with handwritten notes and carrier pigeons, and I'd have armoured pigeons to prevent anything from being intercepted. Despite being completely predictable, this movie did not rock. I'll elaborate on that in the last couple paragraphs.

What Didn't Rock

Harrison Ford doesn't play bad guys. All of his characters maintain a high level of self-righteous indignation. To avoid confusion, he shaves his head for this role. So we know he's evil. Just look at Lex Luther, Dr. Evil, and Billy Corgan. You know for a fact that all of these men would kill you in your sleep, if you meddled with their plans of world domination.

This film does everything wrong. The only cliché PARANOID avoids is about not dipping your pen in the company ink. There's also unnecessary characters, plot holes, and an overall lack of character development. Also, with a movie this bad, would it be so hard to Michael Bay it up a bit, with some special effects? I don't want it to be so boring that I fall asleep and wake up in the middle the next showing, that's too cruel.

Final Verdict: 15 out of 100

Killing Season

KILLING SEASON
R
91 Minutes
Writer: Evan Daugherty
Director: Mark Steven Johnson
Robert De Niro , John Travolta, Milo Ventimiglia

‘Love is a battlefield.’ -Pat Benatar

CAST
Emil Kavoc…John Travolta
Benjamin Ford…Robert De Niro
Milo Ventimiglia …Chris Ford

Cruising past Redbox, something caught my eye, and piqued my curiosity. A film with John Travolta and Robert De Niro. Mark Steven Johnson, writer of JACK FROST, and director of GHOST RIDER. Creates, yet another masterpiece.

Originally, KILLING SEASON was planned as a prequel to FACE/OFF, set in the 70s. Except for Nick Cage didn’t like the script (baffling, I know). So Robert De Niro filled his place. But, what’s that you say? De Niro doesn’t look like Travolta. This doesn’t sound anything like FACE/OFF. There’s a fix for that. Things get changed to take place in the present and all the characters have different names.

I can just see those alien anthropologists of the future now, uncovering the ruins of the 21st century. They’ll look at the KILLING SEASON DVD. Thinking:

'Travolta and De Niro, this has to be good. We shall watch these titans of motion picture. And after doing so, we’ll have a good idea of what the best of humanity had to offer.'

The plot is simple. Two men, on opposite sides of the Bosnian conflict in the 90s, try to kill each other in the woods. With bows and arrows, in a game of cowboys and idiots. Archery duals can last a long time. Shooting arrows is not as easy as Orlando Bloom made it look in LORD OF THE RINGS.

Travolta is not the worst aspect of this film. He provided most of the comic relief. His accent was awe-inspiring. It’s like he got Bosnian lessons from Yakov Smirnoff. Furthermore, KILLING SEASON is not John Travolta’s worst movie. But I can only say this because he’s’ been in OLD DOGS, and BATTLEFIELD EARTH. I guess it’s like saying THE CHRONICLES OF RIDEDICK isn’t Vin Diesel’ s worst movie.

De Niro can play an Italian, and a knife salesman, but he can’t play a convincing redneck. With Ben, he often forgets to stay in character, randomly switching between his normal voice, and the character’s twangy drawl.

‘How does it feel to be the one being tortured?’

After a long, and pointless battle. Ben and Emil patch things up, not literally, they still need serious medical attention. They make amends, which includes a friendly chat, and a good hug. In the end, Ben and Emil come to understand that the only real enemies they have are in the audience.

Final Verdict: 10 out of 100
Sidenote: The movie is 81 minutes long, the credits last 10 minutes.

Kick-Ass 2

KICK-ASS 2
R
103 Minutes
Director: Jeff Wadlow
Writers: Jeff Wadlow, Mark Millar, John Romita Jr.
Aaron Taylor-Johnson, Chloë Grace Moretz, Christopher Mintz-Plasse

…if you need a motherfucker I ain’t hard to find -Big Syke, I AIN’T HARD TO FIND (2PAC)

Cast
Aaron Taylor-Johnson… Kick-Ass
Chloë Grace Moretz …Hit-Girl
Christopher Mintz-Plasse…The Motherfucker
Augustus Prew…Ass
Jim Carrey… Colonel Stars and Stripes

This KICK-ASS 2 project failed from the very beginning. Because they broke the first rule of movie making: don’t call a movie KICK ASS, without Nicholas Cage. I can’t stress this enough; the man desperately needs the money. Just assign him a part, he’ll stay out of the way. Most of the cast members are adults now, so there won’t be a repeat of KICK ASS (1).

Introducing all the characters is the most lengthy, and tiresome part of super hero movies. There aren’t any new characters in KICK ASS 2. You know what that means? More ass kicking time.

I thought the first one was too violent. But I think fewer people die in this one. But who’s counting? It’s like saying INGLOURIOUS BASTERDSwas more violent than DJANGO UNCHAINED.

This movie is not grounded in reality. In high school, pale, scrawny guys, with glasses never have super hot girlfriends. And people usually feel bad when they kill others.

By far, the Mindy subplot is the most interesting part of the KICK-ASS 2. Mindy ‘The Hit-Girl’ Hart stops being a superhero for good, and becomes a popular cheerleader. But things aren’t what they seem. She becomes a victim of a CARRIE-like assault by her peers. Don’t worry, she shows them a lesson, oh yes, with a contraption that makes people barf and gives them diarrhea.

‘I don’t want to win, I just want to make the world a better place.’

I don’t get why there is a superhero named ‘Ass’. First, the name isn’t very flattering. And second, the name is confusing. Calling him a ‘pompous ass’ wouldn’t be an insult to him, specifically, but it is insulting to anyone else.

There was a Woody Allen-looking guy. I don’t know what his super power was, but I think it involves seducing adopted Chinese daughters.

Jim Carey convincingly played a different kind of guy. ‘Chip Hazard’, from SMALL SOLDIERS. This Colonel Stars and Stripes is crazy. You can see it, there is one specific moment in which he really loses his head.

The funeral scene, that’s where this movie goes from bad, to truly awful. Why did so many people need to be murdered at a funeral? Eventually, the graveyard battle moves to the freeway. It’s funny how this gun battle doesn’t seem to impede traffic in the slightest. This is the point, where I’m thinking that taking my six-year old nephew to see this was a bad idea.

Maybe I’m a little old-fashioned, being shocked by the level of realistic violence. Sometimes, I like gratuitous violence, especially when it’s directed at innocent women and children. But here, there is just a purposelessness to it all that keeps me from being entertained.

So in summary: I can’t accuse anyone of false advertising, many people get their asses kicked in this movie…And there’s a guy named Kick-Ass. So it kind of works on two levels.

Final Verdict: 40 out of 100

Clear History

CLEAR HISTORY
NR
Director: Greg Mottola
Writers: Larry David, Alec Berg, David Mandel, Jeff Schaffe
Jon Hamm, Michael Keaton, Larry David

Cast
Jon Hamm...Will Haney
Kate Hudson...Rhonda
Larry David... Raleigh/Nathan Flahm

Today I'm  reviewing CLEAR HISTORY. It's not what it sounds like. This isn't about a pedophile that unsuccessfully deletes his browser history, during his sixth grade English class.

Will Haney and Nathan Flahm  start out as business partners in the early days of an electric car company. Nathan sells his 10 percent share of the company back to Will, because he thought 'Howard' was a bad name for a car. Unable to deal with being ostracized and humiliated for being that guy that blew a billion dollars. Nathan loses his hair, and gains a new identity, 'Raleigh'.

What follows is an epic revenge on a former business partner. We already know nothing will work out for him. But how bad will things get? If you want a hint, watch the REVENGE episode of SEINFELD. Where George puts a Mickey in his old boss's cocktail.

In case you were wondering, the electric car is named 'Howard', after the college featured in Bill Cosby's show, A DIFFERENT WORLD, and not after William Howard Taft.

'I must right this wrong.'

Jon Hamm was the best part. I thought that was true of SUCKER PUNCH as well. I can't help but notice how he brings a little Don Draper to all his roles. The way John Wayne brings alcoholism to all of his titles.

Michael Keaton, wow, he always was a comedian, it's easy to forget sometimes. It took awhile, but I think he's finally moved past BATMAN and a whole host of other bad films.

Is there enough content for a movie?

Comedically, Larry David is beyond talented. But being funny doesn't make you a good film maker.  They rarely coexist, just look at Martin Lawrence.

CLEAR HISTORY felt like an overly long CURB YOUR ENTHUSIASM EPISODE. While it was funny, it just didn't feel like a movie. Ultimately, I have to judge made for TV movies by a lower standard.  Seeing this at a theater would have disappointed me. Additionally, I must doc points for the CHICAGO soundtrack. For clarification, I'm not talking about the soundtrack to the film, CHICAGO, but rather the musical stylings of THE CHICAGO TRANSIT AUTHORITY.

But on a Saturday night, sitting on a couch, with nothing to do, but write a movie review, I would be pleasantly surprised with what I saw.

Final Verdict: 80 out of 100

Blind Fury (Retro)

BLIND FURY (1989)
86 min
R
Director: Phillip Noyce
Writers: Ryôzô Kasahara, Charles Robert Carner
Rutger Hauer, Terry O'Quinn, Brandon Call

Not To Be Confused With The Rapper 'Blind Fury'Cast
Rutger Hauer...Nick Parker
Terry O'Quinn...Frank Devereaux
Brandon Call...Billy Devereaux
Noble Willingham...MacCready
Randall 'Tex' Cobb...Slag

'I also do circumcisions.'
-Nick Parker

Ray Charles Played The Piano, But This Guy Will Play You For A Fool.

Making fun of the blind is the only thing that offends me. Don't get me wrong. I like a Helen Keller joke as much as the next guy. But those jokes come across as crass and offensive in movie form. Like in DUMB AND DUMBER, when Lloyd sold a dead parakeet to a blind kid. Okay, that was funny, but it's the exception that proves the rule.

In movies, disabled people can carry out a great deal. The KARATE KID fought with one leg. TOM HANKS had AIDS in PHILADELPHIA. And then there was Kevin Costner in that one movie.

At first glance, BLIND FURY looks like THE BOOK OF ELI or DAREDEVIL. What separates this film from those titles is the vague semblance of humor. On a related note, I urge you not to take the R-rating too seriously. At its core, this is a light-hearted fare. Think of it as a violent Disney movie with profanity.

BLIND FURY is based on the Japanese TV series, ZATOICHI. Which was about a blind, American guy, who's proficient in the art of saber-rattling.

Nick Parker is a sword fighter, blinded as a soldier in Vietnam. Without a futuristic, LeVar Burton-esque device to replace his sense of sight; he has to fight his battles with a giant sword.

Where Do I Know Those Actors From?

The young kid, played by Brandon Call, was Patrick Duffy's oldest son (not Cody) on STEP BY STEP. In this movie, the blind guy has to take care of the kid. Because one night, his mom got loaded...with shot gun shells, rendering her lifeless body useless in the realm of child care.

JOHN LOCKE from LOST, or as he is more commonly known, by his earth name, Terry O'Quinn. In this movie, his character makes designer drugs, well, he used to, and now he has to again. He's Billy's father, but you'd never know it unless you glanced at the credits.

I love all the crazed Vietnam veteran characters in films. RAMBO is the most obvious example. But my favourite is Jerry O'Connell in THE SIXTIES miniseries. After coming back from the war, he grows his hair out, wreaking havoc on American society.

Conclusion

BLIND FURY was falsely advertised. First issue, I looked, and there was no one named 'Fury' in the cast. Also, from the previews I thought I was going to watch an unapologetically bad, offensive movie. One I could poke fun at, mercilessly. But instead, I got something mildly amusing. And lastly, after watching the whole thing, I found out this Nick Parker character isn't blind at all, just visually impaired.

Final Verdict: 72 out of 100

Grown Ups 2

GROWN UPS II
PG-13
111 Minutes
Director: Dennis Dugan
Writers: Fred Wolf, Adam Sandler
Adam Sandler, Salma Hayek, Kevin James, Kurt McKenzie

Cast
Adam Sandler…Lenny Feder
Salma Hayek…Roxanne Chase-Feder
Kevin James…Eric Lamonsoff
Chris Rock…Kurt McKenzie

The deeper we fall
The stronger we stay
And we’ll be better
The second time around
STEP BY STEP (THEME SONG)

BILLY MADISON PART VII

Walking into this, I knew, the second movie would be better than the first GROWN UPS. Because movie ratings don’t go less than zero.

GROWN UPS (1) made so much money,  Adam Sandler gave Maseratis to the main cast members, and he still had enough money left over to make a sequel.

BEDTIME STORIES

The main plot, from what I could tell. The old guys, and a local fraternity are at war. Over a swimming quarry, and who it belongs to. The Alpha Betas are the whitest, waspiest, college guys ever.  And the grand finale involves a battle between the two groups.

Nick Swardson, star of the worst movie ever made, BUCKY LARSON, replaces, Rob Schneider in GROWN UPS II. He plays a burnout bus driver (think ‘Auto’ from THE SIMPSONS) with complete perfection.

Let’s move on to a man who’s made the second worst movie of all time. Former NBA baller, and basketball player, Shaquille ‘The Shamrock’ O’Neil. In Miami, he’s banned from lawn enforcement, not for making KAZAAM, but for using foul language in a freestyle rap…while drunk at a concert. Which is interesting, since  the ‘man of steel’ released five profanity-laced, studio albums before becoming a police officer. Anyway, the rap was about Kobe.  O’Neil should get a free pass; or does the Miami Beach Sheriff think that raping hotel employees is cool? But I digress. O’Neil’s desire to implement the law is still intact. In GROWN UPS II, he plays a cop, who isn’t too keen on law and order. Shaq is kind of funny in this role,  which is more than I can say about most of the cast.

The blonde kid from HARRY POTTER is at it again. Here, he  runs a summer camp for special needs kids…No, I’m joking, he’s playing a dooshy frat guy. And that’s the type of guy he will play, forever. That is, unless Macaulay Culkin dies during the filming of HOME ALONE 10: LOST IN THE NURSING HOME. In which case, he would make a suitable replacement.

GROWN UPS DRIVER

‘We’re irrelevant, we’re losers. You saw the way those frat guys treated us.’

What’s most upsetting is the waste of comedic talent. Except for David Spade, all these comedians are capable of much more, hilarity.

Now we get a second movie that no one asked for. No wait, that’s wrong, many people wanted this sequel. Not me though, I thought  a sub-par sequel might tarnish the legacy of the GROWN UPS franchise. But I was wrong: GROWN UPS II surpassed my expectations.

Final Verdict: 28 out of 100
Sidenote: Stayed tuned for a retro review of BLIND FURY.

The Ringer (Retro)

THE RINGER (2005)
PG-13
94 minutes 
Director: Barry W. Blaustein
Writer: Ricky Blitt
Johnny Knoxville, Brian Cox, Katherine Heigl

Cast
Johnny Knoxville ... Steve Barker
Brian Cox...Gary Barker
Katherine Heigl...Lynn Sheridan
Jed Rees...Glen

O-bla-di, o-bla-da, life goes on, brah!...
Lala how the life goes on.
THE BEATLES, LIFE GOES ON (THEME)

As a tenth-grader, in my English class, we had a short written assignment, answering a question: Do you think saying 'that's retarded' is offensive,  and why? My response, no, I don't think retards are capable of being offended. In retrospect, I recognize how hilarious, and insensitive my remarks were. Maybe I was just releasing pent-up rage, because that kid in middle school called me 'Special Ed'.

I saw this at a theatre,  but recently, THE RINGER aired on Comedy Central. It was something I had completely forgot about. After my second viewing" I realized that  I have to criticize this film now, before people forget about it altogether.  Kind of like the Nuremberg trials.

Johnny Knoxville hasn't declared himself a serious actor, by words or action. So I can't judge him on the same scale as Sean Penn. Of all the MTV actors, Johnny Knoxville has fared better than everyone. Except, well... no, Pauly Shore doesn't count as human being. Knoxville has a couple of things going for him. One, when you squint, he looks a little like Joaquin Phoenix. Two, if he ever puts on weight, he'd be indistinguishable from Jim Brewer. THE RINGER isn't Knoxville's worst movie. That award goes to GRAND THEFT PARSONS (2004).  But this might be his most memorable role.

There are many problems with THE RINGER. I can't list all of them, this is an article, not the ENCYCLOPEDIA BRITANNICA. I  am going to examine a few of these problems though.

• The premise isn't plausible. You would need a doctor's help to fake any sort of mental handicap.

• The pretty, blonde Special Olympics coördinator has a dooshy, cliché boyfriend. You know he's bad news, because he pushes kids off the monkey bars at the park, while laughing maniacally.  In the middle of the movie, this guy gets caught making out with a hostess from Applebee's. It just doesn't add up. Why would a 'bad guy' cheat on his girlfriend?

• I don't think a bookie would take bets on the Special Olympics.  Not because it's immoral, or unethical. Mostly, because the competition might easily be fixed.

The Finish Line

To be fair, THE RINGER accurately depicts mentally handicapped people. With one big exception: 'Jeffey Dahmer'. But if you really want to watch a grown man go 'full-on retard' for two hours,  CORKY ROMANO would be a better option.

Final Verdict: 21 out of 100