LEFT BEHIND
PG-13
110 Minutes
Director: Vic Armstrong
Writers: Jerry B. Jenkins, Tim LaHaye, Paul Lalonde, John Patus
CAST
Nicolas Cage...Rayford Steele
Lea Thompson...Irene Steele
Chad Michael Murray...Buck William
LEFT BEHIND is a biopic of Lisa 'Left Eye' Lopes, before TLC, when she worked at a gentleman's club. No, I'm only joking, but my fictional movie would be better than the real LEFT BEHIND.
Walking in, I thought I'd be in an empty movie theater. Where I could just kick up my feet and live tweet through the movie. But no, the theater was filled to about 25 percent capacity. Ben Affleck's movie was sold out. So I think that may have factored into this equation
Anyone who has seen FULL HOUSE knows all the episodes end the same way. There's serious music playing, while Danny lectures Stephanie on the dangers of cigarette smoking. LEFT BEHIND felt like an extended version of a FULL HOUSE ending. Which includes one prolific, father-daughter hug session at the end. For the record, I'm not hating on FULL HOUSE, I'm just pointing out the worst part of the show. So please, no angry emails.
WHERE DID EVERYONE GO?
Kirk Cameron was right, the rapture has begun. Maybe I'm the cause of this, with all those impure thoughts I've had about Mrs. Butterworth.
Everyone under the age of 18 disappears spontaneously. To heaven? Perhaps, but physical bodies disappeared as well. Souls go up to heaven, people don't. So I don't understand where the physical bodies went. It's like in ENVY (yeah, don't watch that movie). Jack Black invented Vapoorize. It made dog crap disappear into thin air. But the dog crap went somewhere? We never find out.
Some of LEFT BEHIND feel Stephen Kingish. If you pay attention closely, you'll notice hints of THE LANGOLIERS, scattered about the film. Like the part where a bunch of people spontaneously disappear on an airplane.
Part of the movie took place at the hospital where I was born, just outside Garden City, New York (not really though, this movie was filmed entirely in Louisiana). LEFT BEHIND makes Long Islanders look horrible. If children spontaneously disappeared, we wouldn't start murdering each other.We would start looting iPads, Sean John wear, and pharmaceuticals. Even the looting would only last so long. Without children people would be too depressed to do much of anything.
LEFT BEHIND is offensive to religious and non-religious people. No one should be subjected to Nick Cage's worst movie. In the real rapture, this film would start playing in every movie theater.
Final Verdict: 2 out of 100
