Life Itself

LIFE ITSELF R 115 Minutes Director: Steve James

CAST Roger Ebert Gene Siskel Chaz Ebert Werner Herzog Marty Scorsese

‘I love seeing the bald guy argue with the fat tub of lard’- Homer Simpson, THE SIMPSONS (7F12)

Just like his reviews, LIFE ITSELF documents the life of Roger Ebert. But because he was so open about his life, there isn’t much new information. Except the alcoholism in the 60s and 70s. Knowing he was drinking all the time kind of makes his Pulitzer Prize all the more impressive.

This film really put an end to the feud between Siskel and Ebert. There’s a reason we have no Gene Siskel documentaries. Because Ebert won the popularity contest.

I’m sure there’s a reason. This documentary was getting made, regardless of whether Ebert died. So I think it was Roger’s decision. It’s like if you did a documentary on the Four Tops, you wouldn’t feel the need to include the current, 23 year-old, lead vocalist.

Werner Herzog laughs and cries, well, for the first time in his entire life. That’s worth full, non-matinee ticket price, with a large popcorn, large Coke, Milk Duds, and another movie ticket, so you have a place to put all these concessions.

It feels a little meta, criticizing a critic. Full disclosure: I’d give the documentary a good review, even if it were bad. But I doubt Roger Ebert would give LIFE ITSELF four stars (maybe five or six). He might have hated the predictable ending. So I’m erring on the side of caution.

Final Verdict: 95 out of 100

The Meteor Man (Retro)

THE METEOR MAN (1993) PG 100 Minutes Director: Robert Townsend Writer: Robert Townsend

CAST Robert Townsend...Jefferson Reed Eddie Griffin...Michael Marla Gibbs...Mrs. Reed Robert Guillaume...Ted Reed

THE METEOR MAN: Was It Really As Bad As People Remember?

In my retro reviews I like to examine the films that people forgot existed. METEOR MAN is one of those films.  Not many people saw it when it came out and people often confuse it with BLANK MAN. That's a tragedy because it wasn't that bad.

There aren't too many average black guys in movies. They're either 50 Cent, or Michael Jordan, but never Carl Winslow. Which is a subtle form of racism I never noticed before. In this movie, the protagonist is a regular, nerdy teacher...before turning into a god-like super hero.

I'm sure you know what METEOR MAN is about from the title alone. A mild-mannered teacher transforms into a super hero. He battles the bloods and crypts of his neighborhood. And persuades these rival gangs to put away their glocks, and start acting like role models.

The bloods and crypts may have stopped fighting, but there's another gang in town: the 'Golden Lords'. All the gang members have dyed their hair blonde. Oh man, Don Cheadle with blonde hair, leading a gang of blonde-haired kids; that's priceless. And it gets better. You can hear Cheadle's contractually obligated, audio commentary on the blue ray...no, I'm kidding. But I'm certain that if Don Cheadle died today, at his memorial, there would be a blown up picture of him from this movie.

James Earl Jones was the funniest guy in the film. He plays a balding, middle-aged man, obsessed with looking young. For example, in one scene, he's wearing a Kidd and Play whig, and a very early 90s, Malcolm X baseball jersey. I love how Jones convincingly plays his part with a straight face.

Sinbad, how did he have time for CONEHEADS, THE SINBAD SHOW, and METEOR MAN, all in the same year. Seems to me,  If one man has super powers, it's definitely SINBAD.

Bill Cosby is so creepy in this film. Like GHOST DAD creepy. Cosby appears at the beginning and shows up at the end randomly.  I don't know where he came from. Is he homeless, an apartment superintendent, or a Ghost Dad?

METEOR MAN is a family film, and not high art.  I love how bizarre and random everything is. Yes,  there are plot holes, and it's never clear what Meteor Man's powers are.  And if he can see through people's clothes, why do we see everyone in generic, white underwear?  Maybe he can only see through one layer of clothes. Still though, some people don't wear any underwear.

Check this out when you have the flu or are severely sleep deprived. I think you'll be able to follow it.

Final Verdict: 70 out of 100

Blended

BLENDED PG-13 117 Minutes Director: Frank Coraci Writers: Ivan Menchell, Clare Sera

CAST Adam Sandler...Jim Drew Barrymore...Lauren Kevin Nealon...Eddy Terry Crews...Nickens Wendi McLendon-Covey...Jen

She's an uptight career woman. He's an impulsive loser. Why would these two ever choose to spend time with one another?

BLENDED starts out with a blind date at Hooters. Jim is a single dad, with a dead wife. Lauren is a single mom, with an asshole ex-husband. During the date, Adam Sandler acts like a jerk. Watching SPORTSCENTER, while Drew Barrymore is trying to engage him in conversation. I know, it feels like an episode of HOME IMPROVEMENT. This scene sets the tone for the rest of the movie.

I don't need to tell you how they all ended up on a family vacation in Africa. Only five minutes of the film takes place on the African savanna. Which means no one really needed to go to Africa. Maybe the real Adam Sandler planned on having an affair with Drew Barrymore. It's plausible, they do have undeniable on-screen chemistry. And  this awful film is an elaborate ruse for extramarital activities. Keep in mind, this is only a theory, and it's based on irresponsible speculation. But I don't know of any alternative explanations.

They don't get along at first, but then Jim falls in love with Lauren and then...well, you've seen THE WEDDING SINGER. They both learn something about life...from Billy Idol on an airplane.

Throughout this two-hour ordeal. I hoped Kevin James would make a cameo. Yeah, wishing Kevin James would show up, now that's a sign of a good film. Perhaps he'd be the keynote speaker at a zookeeper conference, and on the way to the La Quinta, Kevin would save everyone from an angry tiger with serious intimacy issues. But James was mysteriously absent. Maybe his schedule wouldn't allow for a 6-month vacation.

There are many things wrong with BLENDED, beyond what I've illustrated thus far. Bad jokes get repeated several times...from previous films. Sandler's daughter looks like a dude, we get it. Also, there was a dead mom gag, which is a tad morbid for such a broad comedy. FULL HOUSE found a way to avoid talking about the nonliving mother. And it made for a better comedy.

There is one thing I liked about this film, and it's Terry Crews. He really took his ten minutes of screen time, and made the most of a bad situation. He'd pop in randomly, singing songs with a band. Like that guy playing guitar in THERE'S SOMETHING ABOUT MARY. Also, Joel McHale wasn't bad, performance wise that is, although he did play a bad guy. As Drew Barrymore's asshole, ex-husband.

So BLENDED is not the worst Sandler comedy...ever. No, he's got 15 other movies that are just as bad. I could have just copied and pasted my earlier review from JUST GO WITH IT. But that would be lazy.

Final Verdict: 5 out of 100

Bear

BEARS PG 78 Minutes Directors: Alastair Fothergill, Keith Scholey

CAST John C. Reilly...(Voice Over) Bears

Look for the bare necessities. The simple bare necessities Forget about your worries and your strife I mean the bare necessities That's why a bear can rest at ease With just the bare necessities of life -THE JUNGLE BOOK

Check It Out!

Before I get started, I'd like to emphasize that this film really is about Bears, and not a particular sexual preference.

If you take a close look at Bears, you'll notice that they're really just fat wolves. Or put another way: bears are wolves in bears' clothing, but I digress.

BEARS is a fascinating account on the unbearable plight of brown bears in Alaska. They have it tough. Almost as tough as penguins...from that MADAGASCAR cartoon.

REAL CAST MEMBERS

Sky-Mamma bear, the main character. She's looking for salmon...and trouble. Mostly salmon though, otherwise she and her cubs won't survive the winter.

Scout-He's a cub who's far too adventurous for his own good.

Chinook-Little sister, not a risk taker.

Magnus-Don't mess with the alpha. Something tells me he could survive a shot-gun to the head, and kill you afterwards. He's a not-so-gentle-Ben.

Tikaani-Literally, the lone wolf, and not in a good way.

Featuring...John C. Reilly as a Morgan Freeman-type guy.

Also, there's a nameless raven who plays a crucial role in finding food for Sky. But the 'black bird singing in the dead of night' gets no love from these heartless documentarians. I would have named the bird Flacco, or Symone.

We know Sky is the mother. But I wonder who the father is. He was definitely present at some point in the movie. It just doesn't seem right. I think raising cubs would be easier with two parents.

So we get another inoffensive family movie from Disney. But I can't complain this time, I like nature documentaries. Nature films are getting better lately, ever since that NORTH AMERICA program aired. Now, that's a show worth watching. Oh man, Tom Selleck really set a new standard for voice over work on animal shows.

Problems?

There were only a couple of problems with this movie. I didn't like how that American Family Insurance song got incorporated in the soundtrack. Secondly, I wish these bears could talk.

Things I Now Know

BEARS is an informative documentary. I learned many new things about brown bears. Like they don't eat Teddy Grahams, or picnic baskets, and they don't have money to buy food from their car wash business.

Hibernation

BEAR shows you the plight of the brown bear, in a way Winnie The Pooh never could. I've seen every bear movie. And by far, BEAR is the best bear movie I've seen, and I'm including THE COUNTRY BEARS and the BAD NEWS BEARS (and its respective sequels). After seeing this movie, I now know what that bear patch on my cub scout uniform actually represents.

Final Verdict: 88 out of 100

God Is Not Dead

GOD IS NOT DEAD PG 113 Minutes Director: Harold Cronk Writers: Hunter Dennis, Chuck Konzelman, Cary Solomon

CAST Dean Caine...Mark Willie Robertson...Himself Shane Harper...Josh Wheaton Kevin Sorbo...Professor Radisson Korie Robertson...Herself Marco Khan ...Misrab

Caine And Able

GOD IS NOT DEAD isn't like most other religious movies. This one had some star power behind it. Featuring the guy from DUCK DYNASTY, Kevin Sorbo, and Dean Cain.

This is a movie about good and evil. The educated guy is evil. The college freshman is the good guy and the bad guy is an atheist philosophy professor. Does anyone else find it kind of ironic Kevin Sorbo used to play the son of God on a TV show?

Josh Wheaton is a first-year college student. One day, while sitting in philosophy class. Professor Sorbo tells everyone to write 'God Is Dead' on a piece of paper. But Josh just couldn't bring himself to do it. So Hercules challenges him to a debate. If this student can't convince his classmates that God does exist, he fails the class. Because that's how grades work in college.

This feat isn't as easy as it looks. Outside class, Sorbo makes many vague threats aimed at Josh; And to make matters worse, his longtime girlfriend dumps him. Because he's throwing his future away, although I'm sure there are other reasons.

The debate part made sense, that is, before everyone started talking. The worst part of this movie is when Josh. used 'begs the question' incorrectly. And this is in a philosophy class. Aristotle goes into great length on what begging the question actually is. Strangely enough, in GOD IS NOT DEAD, there is plenty of question begging, as well as other logical fallacies, and invalid deductive arguments. If a philosophy professor If a philosophy professor actually saw this movie, they'd roll around in an epileptic fit.

Dean Cain plays a an uncaring business person, who is indifferent toward his girlfriend with cancer. Dean was completely unnecessary, but I'm not upset with this man, his small role was rather entertaining, and he made a bad movie sightly easier to sit through. Additionally, I'm glad Dino is in something that doesn't involve resourceful dogs.

Other Random Questions

Who is this newspaper reporter? And why was she assigned to interview random religious people in an insulting way?

What's the deal with the Muslim girl getting beat by her dad for believing in Jesus? That doesn't seem right.

Toward The End Of My Review

After pontificating on some of the more serious issues addressed in this movie. I've concluded that I really don't know if there is a creator...of this film.

Final Verdict: 10 out of 100

Bad Neighbors

BAD NEIGHBORS R 96 Minutes Director: Nicholas Stoller Writers: Andrew J. Cohen, Brendan O'Brien

CAST Seth Rogen...Mac Radner Rose Byrne...Kelly Radner Ike Barinholtz...Jimmy Zac Efron...Teddy Sanders Dave Franco...Pete

Mr. And Mrs. Buzz Kill Would Like To Welcome You To Our Neighborhood

Okay, let me set the scene for you. An obnoxious fraternity, Delta Psi, moves next to a young family. But wait, you're not going to believe what happens next. The frat and the family start out as friends. But tensions soon rise after the fraternity starts acting like a fraternity. Before long, there is an all out war: good guys versus bad guys. And just like with POLTERGEIST, moving to another home isn't going to destroy the beings that haunt them at night.

Movies featuring Seth Rogen have been funny. But I don't know if he can make a film funny on his own. Just take a look at THE GUILT TRIP. This is the first time Seth Rogen doesn't smoke pot in a movie. No I'm kidding, but it was the first time he got high on shrooms and pot in the same scene. Somehow, pot smoking gets worked into all Seth's movies. Even in 50/50, the film about a guy with terminal cancer.

If I'm watching a Seth Rogen movie, I know James Franco will probably show up somewhere. But he didn't. Don't fret though, we did get a guy who looks like James Franco, named Dave Franco.

Zac Efron's character is the party-animal president of Delta Psi, whose fraternity is on probation. The real Zac (without an h) did party too much, but it was only to prepare for his role on DR. DREW'S CELEBRITY REHAB...I mean BAD NEIGHBORS. As a method actor, not showing up hung over to the movie set would be unprofessional.

Would You Keep It Down Some Of Us Squares Are Trying To Sleep

I'm not saying you should avoid this film. There were funny moments, sparsely scattered throughout the film. It has enough solid laughs to get a B-Grade, but BAD NEIGHBORS doesn't quite make the dean's list. If you want to see a better movie starting with the word BAD, I recommend BAD SANTA or BAD GRANDPA.

Final Verdict: 80 out 100

Tokarev

TOKAREV R 93 Minutes Director: Paco Cebazas Writers: Jim Agnew, Sean Keller

CAST Danny Glover…Don Knotts Nicholas Cage…Paul Maguire Rachel Nichols…Vanessa Aubrey Peeples…Caitlin Maguire Peter Stormare…Francis O'Connell Danny Glover…Detective St. John

'I'm out of the game, you know that.'

This is a story about one man. He swore off the bad life a long time ago. Now he's ready to make an honest living. But that type of man can't keep it real for very long. Because he's just too good at doing bad things. But enough about Nick Cage.

Paul Maguire used to be in an Irish crime syndicate. Now he's the mayor's assistant. One night, while Paul and his wife are out for dinner, his daughter is killed in their home. Paul gets in touch with his old contacts. He kills a bunch of innocent suspects, Chuck Branson style, in a search to find the real killer. Because the police aren't going to do anything. Except scarf doughnuts, while throwing darts at a picture of his daughter.

I gave this movie a chance, because I figured if Danny Glover was in it, it couldn't be too bad. At the very least, I knew the Angels would win the pennant. But in TOKAREV, Glover plays the nicest police chief in the world. He makes Andy Griffith look like King Joffrey. In one instance, after a high-speed pursuit, Paul crashes into dozens of cars, and the police chief let's him go. But don't worry, Paul promised not to hurt any more people...in the man hunt for his daughter's killer: scout's honor.

Not everything is so bad in this movie. For one, Nick Cage kills himself at the end. Secondly, there's interesting plot twist. The killer was the person you'd least expect. Third, we get to see the most bizarre make out session in movie history. And lastly, TOKAREV is the Nick-Cagiest movie you're going to see in the near future. I suspect this film has collected dust for a couple of years. Because he's done some decent movies lately.

If you want to see this film, don't admit it to anyone. Just wait until you're sitting in a friend's living room, when they leave the room, order this movie On-Demand, but pretend you did it by accident. If it's already paid for, then it would be wasteful not to watch it.

Final Verdict: 45 out of 100

Bad Words

BAD WORDS
R
89 Minutes
Director: Jason Bateman
Writer: Andrew Dodge

CAST Jason Bateman…Guy Rohan Chand…Chaitanya Chopra Philip Baker Hall…Dr. Bowman Kathryn Hahn…Jenny Widgeon

I love old movies where a golden retriever plays football because there is nothing in the rule book saying they can't. In BAD WORDS, there is a similar concept at work. A grown man, that never passed the eighth grade. Goes on to enter a children's spelling bee.

Doesn't Play Well With Others

I don't know how he got around compulsory education laws. You have to go to school until your 16. When I was in school, you literally couldn't fail any class until high school. Maybe he got left back twice, after starting kindergarten a year late. Whatever the case may be, Guy has not matured passed eighth grade. I guess you could say he's in arrested development...get it. At least it seems that way. He isn't mentally handicapped, he seems like a college educated professional, with a savant-like spelling ability. Unapologetically, Guy plays a bully, like Johnny Lawrence (of the Cobra Kai), from THE KARATE KID novel based on the motion picture.

What's His Motivation?

Most of the film, we don't have any understanding of why he's participating in children's spelling bee. The ridicule isn't worth the prize money. I think the only thing keeps people in line is dignity. I would drive with a counterfeit handicapped placard before I'd enter a kid's spelling bee.

Most of the film, we don't have any understanding of why a grown man is participating in a children's spelling bee. The ridicule isn't worth the prize money. I think the only thing that keeps people in line is dignity. I would drive with a counterfeit handicapped placard before I'd enter a kid's spelling bee. As it turns out Guy isn't just some doosh (or is it douche?). No he's a man on a vendetta. That's all I can say, without spoiling things.

I know he's done many great things since, but anytime I see Jason Bateman, I think how hilarious he was in THE HOGAN FAMILY...in that episode where his friend died of AIDS.

S-U-C-C-E-S-S ?

From the previews, it seemed like BAD WORDS was just going to be a bad comedy; where they try and be as offensive as possible. While the film started out that way, things progressed, and I found myself laughing, and liking the complex characters. This movie felt like a kind of good, John Hughes movie, but it never sores into John- Hughes-movie-featuring-John-Candy territory.

No movie should end with a Smashing Pumpkins song, minus 5 points.

Final Verdict: 80 out 100

Sidenote: The main character's last name is 'Words'.

Son Of God

SON OF GOD PG-13 138 Minutes Director: Christopher Spencer Writers: Richard Bedser, Christopher Spencer, Colin Swash, Nick Young, God

Nelson: Hey, Simpson, I hear your sister dumped Christianity. Bart: Who cares? Dolph: I'll tell you someone who cares. He's got long hair, works as a carpenter, has a lot of crazy ideas about love and brotherhood. Jimbo: His name's Gunnar and he's dating my mom. Sometimes he buys us beer. —THE SIMPSONS, DABF02

CAST Diogo Morgado... Jesus Amber Rose Revah... Mary Magdalena Joe Wredden...Judas Roma Downey...Mary, Mother of Jesus

7 Day Theory

I never paid attention in Sunday school, or to the Stations of the Cross. But that worked to my advantage. Because I had no idea how SON OF GOD would unfold.

Before I go any further. Christianity is a sensitive subject. So I'll try to keep the blasphemy to a minimum. Which means no jokes about cross training shoes.

This movie...

-Is not about George Burn's kid.

-Nor is it a continuation of HE GOT GAME; unfortunately, there is no second coming of Jesus Shuttlesworth.

-Doesn't feature Morgan Freeman.

I'm Just Going To List My Complaints:

-There's not enough 'passion'.

-The film maker assumes we've already read the book. And that we can just mentally fill in the details. Just like with that GOOSEBUMPS TV show. If I wanted to read a book, I'll go to school, where I'm forced to read.

-There is no humor, and it's far too serious. Would it kill someone to crack a smile?

-The plot moved too slow, and the excessive James Earl Jones-esque narration didn't help either.

-The overall lack of historical accuracy and the lack of artistic license.

-The Romans couldn't have been that bad. I may have to contact the Italian Anti-Defamation league. Because Mamma mia, that's-a spicy meat ball-a!

-Did that Judas guy have to be such a dick?

-I'm not Johnny Cochran or anything, but this Jesus fellow, he got a raw deal.

Miscellaneous Observations

-John the Baptist looks like Adam Duritz.

-The evil guy in the grim reaper outfit looks like Obama, before he transforms into a snake. The symbolism here is puzzling.

-It's always a good sign if you haven't heard of any of the actors in a picture. Although there was one actor I did recognize. The lady with the Irish accent in TOUCHED BY AN ANGEL. I think she committed a horrific crime, and figures the safest thing to do is hide out on the set of an obscure movie: nice try.

That Last Meal

This felt like a MONTY PYTHON film, without the intentional jokes. SON OF GOD, the film-not the guy, goes beyond Mel Gibson-bad, it's full-on, Kirk Cameron-bad. While I didn't pay very close attention in Sunday school, I do remember the seventh commandment: thou shall not steal my precious time.

Final Verdict: 20 out of 100

Sidenote: Five of those points are because the film's chief character looks like me.

Non-Stop

NON-STOP PG-13 106 Minutes Director: Jaume Collet-Serra Writers: John W. Richardson, Christopher Roach, Ryan Engle

CAST Liam Neeson…Bill Marks Julianne Moore…Jen Summers Scoot McNairy…Tom Bowen Michelle Dockery…Nancy Nate Parker…Zack White Corey Stoll…Austin Reilly Lupita Nyong’o…Gwen Omar Metwally…Dr. Fahim Nasir

SPEED III: CRUISING ALTITUDE

'If there are any movie buffs here I bear no blood relation to the screenwriter of 'SPEED' but I'm currently on it.'-SNL S34E22 (Will Ferrell),

Liam Neeson Gets Pissed Off

Someone is holding the plane hostage... quietly. This person wants 150 million dollars. Similar to what DB Cooper accomplished. But this isn't 1971. After 9/11, hijacking a plane has become considerably more difficult.

Bill Marks is a hero, air marshall, and avid traveler. Bill has seen more places than Carmen San Diego. But it's all in a vain attempt to fly away from his personal problems, and deep emotional issues. This guy is never in a good mood, and doesn't have much to live for. So I predict good things for the passengers aboard this flight.

So Who Is It?

At the beginning, I suspected Julianne Moore. Maybe Eric Cartman was on to something. You can't trust those gingers. But I jumped the bomb on that one. She wasn't the hijacker.

The DOWNTON ABBY girl plays a flight attendant...you know...the main girl. I forget her name because I don't watch that show very often. Just one episode a week. Anyway, I know she's not the hijacker. People with British accents never do anything this bad.

I'm not a Math professor at Cal Tech, but it seems like it's definitely a passenger, who isn't a minority, because that's a racist thing to do in a movie. I could narrow it down further, but you get the point. You've seen enough ADT Security commercials to know that only white guys in their 30s commit horrific crimes. Perhaps I've said too much, I don't want to spoil the ending for you.

It Don't Stop And It Don't Quit

Despite all the hostage film clichés. Like trying to defuse a time bomb. This film had some interesting parts. The way Liam Neeson made eyes with Julianne Moore throughout the movie. I knew something was going to happen between those two. Oh, and something did happen. They're going out to dinner...at some restaurant in the Keflavik International Airport.

Final Verdict: 60 out of 100

Sidenote: In exchange for their cooperation with the terrorist situation, the air marshall promised many of the passengers unlimited, first-class travel for a year. I wonder if the airline honored this promise, even though the marshall did so without proper authorization.

RoboCop

ROBOCOP PG-13 117 Minutes Director: José Padilha Writers: Joshua Zetumer, Edward Neumeier, Michael Miner

CAST Joel Kinnaman...Alex Murphy/RoboCop Gary Oldman... Dr. Dennett Norton Michael Keaton...Raymond Sellars Abbie Cornish... Clara Murphy Michael K. Williams...Jack Lewis

'Program say to kill, to disassemble, to make dead. Number 5 cannot.'--SHORT CIRCUIT

You Have The Right To Remain Silent

You’ve seen the first ROBOCOP, but now there’s a twist. Robocop isn’t a cop at all. Oh, he plays a cop, but it’s on a pornographic website for people with transhuman-robot fetishes. It’s a lucrative business, because he’s the only product on the market. But now the federal government is stepping in, and shutting down his illegal monopoly.

No, I’m kidding. In 14 years, Kevin James looses two legs to diabetes. But malls still need security guards, and Paul Blart has mounting medical bills. So a Segway scooter gets grafted on to his lower body. Then, I don’t know, the Russian mafia tries to assassinate Louie Anderson, while he’s signing autographs at the cell phone accessory kiosk where he’s employed.

Sounds delightful, I know, but that was another joke of mine. I feel obligated to entertain you since the real ROBOCOP was sorely lacking in entertainment value. You’re better off watching the ‘Robo-Nerd II’ episode of FAMILY MATTERS. That being said, this film isn’t horrific. It is still better than the 1994 ROBOCOP TV show: that was just a guy in a Halloween costume.

It’s good to have Omar Little back. I didn’t like seeing my favorite character get killed by a ten-year-old on THE WIRE…SPOILER ALERT. The actor that portrayed Omar Little on THE WIRE, Michael K Williams, plays RoboCop’s partner and friend, that is, before Murphy transformed into a Robocop.

I think robots should run the criminal justice system. Overall, they’d be better at law enforcement. In court proceedings, I’d trust a robot more than a jury of my peers. Because robots could read thoughts, and predict future actions. We already have drones killing people in other countries. Yes, this oppressive utopia is very doable.

What I liked most was Michael Keaton. The older he gets, the more he starts to look like Christian Slater. This is merely a puzzling observation. But if you have to watch this movie; noticing this fact will help pass the time.

I don’t think Robocops are in our future. If they were to be invented, some years from now, one of them would have gone back in time, and arrested the filmmaker for crimes against humanity, or at the very least, prevent this ROBOCOP from ever getting made. Where is Jean-Claude Van Damme when you need him?

Final Verdict: 50 out of 100

Nurse 3D

NURSE (3D) R 124 Minutes Director: Douglas Aarinoikoski Writers: Douglas Aarinoikoski, David Loughery

CAST Paz de la Huerta…Abby Russell Katrina Bowden…Danni Judd Nelson…Dr. Morris

NURSE reminds me of THE GOOD SON (1993). Where Elijah Wood tried to prove how evil Macaulay Culkin was. Sure, he looked like a nice, normal kid. But behind that carefully crafted veneer, lurked a cigarette-smoking, psychopath, trying to kill his family.

Abby Rusell kills men who cheat on their wives. Because when she was young, she caught her dad sticking it to his secretary. She slit his throat. And Abby’s mom killed herself six months later. All before getting sent to a mental institution. She killed a nurse at the mental institution, and assumed her identity. That’s where this movie starts. I know the bible says, ‘judge not, and ye shall not be judged’. But this lady seems like a real jerk.

To seduce a rich, powerful man, you got to be attractive. That’s where this character falls short. Nurse Abby is like a 5 in the looks department, and I’m being generous. She’s about as handsome as Patrick Swayze in TO WONG FU THANKS FOR EVERYTHING.

From a purely rational perspective, if you really want to punish no-good, cheatin’ men. It would be easier to give them AIDS. It can be done, she’s a resourceful nurse. The evil men would suffer greatly, for a longer period of time. And she would be long gone, before anyone noticed anything amiss. But she lets her impulses interfere with her long term objectives.  Abby is far too impulsive, and shortsighted to be a decent serial killer.

The best character is Judd Nelson. He’s a playboy,  A-List actor…I mean doctor. And surprise, surprise, he’s sleazy. Even though this man has a wife and kids, he routinely harasses the young nurses.  Saying things like, ‘you’ll fit in perfectly here’, as he stands directly behind a new nurse. A guy like this, he’ll definitely be spared in Abby’s rampage of justice.

This film ain’t all bad. There are a lot of good looking, naked people walking around. Even in places where it wouldn’t make sense. But there is not nearly enough nudity to compensate for the shortcomings of this movie.

In parts, NURSE is bad enough to be funny.  The acting is awful. Like SHOWGIRLS awful. The so-bad-it’s-good thing isn’t sustained for the entire movie though. So I recommend renting this movie, but be sure to keep your finger near the fast forward button.

Final Verdict: 50 out of 100

Nebraska

NEBRASKA R 115 Minutes Director: Alexander Payne Writer: Bob Nelson

CAST Bruce Dern …Woody Grant Will Forte…David Grant June Squibb…Kate Grant Bob Odenkirk…Ross Grant Stacy Keach…Ed Pegram

‘There’s Woody’s little sister, Rose. She was only 19 when she was killed in a car wreck near Wausa. What a whore!’  -Kate Grant

Well there aren’t many new films worth seeing in the new year. So I figured I should review something Oscar-worthy. I did see BLUE JASMINE. While it had Vinny from Doogie Howser, with all this recent business of Woody Allen molesting his kids, I don’t know. It’s bad timing. I expect more from someone who married their adopted daughter. Personally, I think he’s the last guy that would molest children; because he on everyone’s radar for this type of behavior. In summary, BLUE JASMINE is definitely Andrew Dice Clay’s best movie though. Unless you count his comedy

INSIDE LLEWYN DAVIS wasn’t bad, but it wasn’t the Coen brothers best film either. And I like everything they do, well, almost everything.

PHILOMENA is a solid, feel-good movie, without the happy ending. The first time in her career, Judi Dench doesn’t come across as a stone cold, bitch.

NEBRASKA reminds of the scene in National Lampoon’s VACATION. Where Chevy Chase is driving with the family, and aunt Edna died in her sleep. But no one noticed she was dead for eight hours. Woody Grant is like Aunt Edna, when he dies no one will notice he’s dead, for a very long time.

This movie is fairly simple. Woody, a decrepit, old man, thinks he won a million dollars in a Publisher’s Clearing House-style sweepstakes. He wants to pick up his money in Nebraska. Eventually, he persuades his son to come with him to pick up his money. This is where you need to suspend disbelief. I don’t understand why someone would want to travel to Nebraska either.

NEBRASKA is shot in black and white. I suppose it works, it kind of gives it a pseudo-art film vibe. But I think SCHINDLER’S LIST kind of ruined black and white forever. The same way Hitler ruined the name Adolph.

There are a few boring parts, that don’t work comedically, or dramatically.  But if you stick with it, NEBRASKA comes to a very satisfying conclusion.

Final Verdict: 84 out 100

Sidenote: RIP Hoffman. Everyone should see SYNECDOCHE, NEW YORK (the movie, not the city).

Ride Along

RIDE ALONG
PG-13
99 Minutes
Director: Tim Story   
Writers: Greg Coolidge, Jason Mantzoukas, Phil Hay, Matt Manfredi
Ice Cube, Kevin Hart, Tika Sumpter

CAST
Ice Cube…  James Payton
Kevin Hart…Ben Barber
John Leguizamo…Santiago
Bruce McGill…Lt. Brooks
Tika Sumpter…Angela Payton
Laurence Fishburne…Omar

Fuck The Police

Ice-T paved the way for other former rappers to play cops, like LL Cool J in NCIS: Los Angeles. So it’s not much of a shock to see AmeriKKKa’s Most Wanted play a cop in film. Still, a rapper playing a cop, that’s crazy. It’s like Dr. Dre becoming a business person.

This isn’t a buddy-cop movie. That genre is too cliché. RIDE ALONG is about two men in a squad car, that don’t get along very well.

We Be (Billy) Clubbin’ 

Okay, let me set this movie up for you. James Payton, is on a high-speed chase, with foreign criminals, he destroys half the town, without apprehending the suspect. But, wait, there’s a twist: the police chief is an angry jerk. And this incident really pisses him off. Oh man, Ice Cube is a loose cannon.

Ben Barber is a security guard. He was just accepted into the police academy. But before he starts basic training; Ben wants to go on a ride along…with his very abrasive, future brother-in-law.

Every bad cop movie needs a villain. In this movie, it’s THE MATRIX guy. No, not that MATRIX guy, the one whose daughter does porn. Anyway, he plays the kingpin of an international criminal enterprise.

We don’t find out until the end that the  other cops in the force are crooked. And they’re working for the kingpin. Laurence Fishburne makes an enticing offer to Ice Cube: work for me, and I won’t shoot you, and c’mon, we’d make good partners. But Ice Cube has far too much integrity to accept the deal.

This film unfolds as you would expect: it doesn’t. If only it wasn’t a little more self-aware. They could’ve worked the satirical angle. Like THE HEAT.

Kevin Hart has overextended himself. He’s trying too hard to be the next Eddie Murphy. That last standup special was very half-Harted. As a comedian, you can get away with being a funny guy that appears in bad movies, like Chris Rock. But if you’re an unfunny comedian, that appears in bad movies, then you’re Martin Lawrence.

I’m a fan of Ice Cube’s road trip movies…I mean his music. So it’s tough for me to criticize him. But he’s become what he’s always despised: a studio gangsta.

Today was not a good day.

Final Verdict: 10 out of 100
Sidenote: Brace yourself, there are rumors of a sequel

Her

HER
R
126 Minutes
Director: Spike Jonze
Writer: Spike Jonze
Joaquin Phoenix, Amy Adams, Scarlett Johansson

Artist's Imagined Conception Of SamanthaCAST
Joaquin Phoenix…Theodore Twombly
Amy Adams…Amy
Scarlett Johansson…Samantha

Oh, wont you keep me warm tonight
You are such a sweet delight
I would cherish the memory of this night
Yes, I found my computer love
COMPUTER LOVE, Zapp and Roger

It’s tough to repair the damage from I’M STILL HERE. I thought the movie was entertaining, but a lot of other people didn’t. Now Joaquin Phoenix is attempting a full, Jim Carrey- CABLE-GUY-resurrection.  I don’t know if this excellent, pseudo-indie movie will do it. But it’s a good place to start.

This Theodore character is nerdy and socially awkward. I never thought Joaquin could pass off as a dork. But he’s a regular Rick Moranis here. Only when he’s wearing glasses though. Like the sexy librarian cliché.

Set in the near future HER is about a tortured writer who can’t find love .That is until he updated his computer software. As the story progresses, he begins to fall madly in love with this OS named Samantha. But Samantha is more than just a voice emanating from a cell phone. She’s like an ideal human without any physical presence. Only existing in a digital world. This all reminds me of the KING OF THE HILL episode where Bobby makes out with his girlfriend, a mannequin head.

Later in the movie, Theodore gets jealous, when Samantha meets the digital version of Alan Watts. Typical Buddhist philosopher, mackin’ on his girl. That ain’t right.  Just like my grandpa says, if you’re going to cheat, make a digital copy of yourself for the cheated person to love.

I hate to spoil the end; but it’s later revealed that there is no OS. He’s a paranoid schizophrenic.

I get where this guy is coming from. There’s this girl I talk to, Amy. My assistant. She has an adorable, British accent. Amy sets my alarm clock correctly, asks how I’m doing, and she doesn’t make me pay child support.

‘Sometimes I write something , and I’ll be my favorite writer that day.’- Michael Bay…I mean Theodore Twombly

I don’t know if this dating an OS thing is in our future. But I think robot lovers will eventually exist.  The next issue that conservatives will tackle is human-robot marriage. And if marriage isn’t possible, does having sex with a robot constitute cheating?
 
An original film like this doesn’t come around very often. HER feels Charlie Kauffman-esque. So you definitely should see this; a man’s career hinges on its success.

Final Verdict: 95 out of 100

Grudge Match

GRUDGE MATCH
PG-13
113 Minutes
Director: Peter Segal
Writers: Tim Kelleher, Rodney Rothman
Sylvester Stallone, Robert De Niro, Kevin Hart

CAST
Sylvester Stallone…Henry ‘Razor’ Sharp
Robert De Niro…Billy ‘The Kid’ McDonnen
Kevin Hart…Dante Slate, Jr.
Kim Basinger…Sally
Alan Arkin…Louis ‘Lightning’ Conlon

'More money has been lost by people trying to imitate ROCKY than was ever made by the original picture.’ -Roger Ebert, STREETS OF GOLD (Review)

They’re Not Just Old, They’re Kobe Bryant Old

From the previews, GRUDGE MATCH looks like an average, inoffensive comedy. But that’s not the case at all, it teetered on the verge of average, but never got there.  From the beginning, it seems obvious that there aren’t any real surprises to look forward to. You know there is no way Stallone is going to lose in a boxing movie. Spoiler alert: he doesn’t.

GRUDGE MATCH isn’t plausible. With two men, well into their 60s boxing. They wouldn’t make two rounds. That being said, plausibility is not this film’s problem.

ROCKY BALBOA vs RAGING BULL

Two actors…I mean boxers renew an old rivalry after they were offered a truckload of money to duke it out. So ‘Razor’ and the ‘The Kid’ come out of retirement for one last fight. But that’s it. There won’t be any ROCKY BALBOA (2006) movie.

Not much effort was put into the names. Henry ‘Razor’ Sharp, and Billy ‘The Kid’ McDonnen. Sharp is barely a real last name, but it does work with the Razor nickname. I mean it’s your only real option in the nickname department. I don’t know if the Billy ‘The Kid’ name works though. That character is no longer youthful or able to shoot guns with proficiency.

Mama Said Knock You Out

Stallone is a seasoned boxing-actor, where De Niro is just a guy who was in one excellent, boxing film.  Let me say, RAGING BULL is no ROCKY IV. While we’re on the subject; I can see why LL Cool J played a boxing coach here. He was in a music video that took place in a boxing ring.

I Coulda Been A Contender…

Sylvester Stallone has been in perfect shape for his entire life. And De Niro looks like his body was given the old, 300-CGI treatment. He just didn’t seem like a boxer. Everyone knows De Niro can only play himself, a mob guy, or a cop.

I know I say this about every movie; but this movie might have worked better with Tony Danza. He was an actual boxer, you know, before all the brain damage.

GRUDGE MATCH was original, well written, full of interesting characters, splendid cinematography, excellent pacing, and most of all, it was emotionally gripping, from start to finish. I think Shakespeare rose from the dead and wrote this screenplay.

This review is over. I’ve chewed your ear off long enough.

Final Verdict: 50 out of 100

Walking With Dinosaurs

WALKING WITH DINOSAURS
PG
87 Minutes
Directors: Barry Cook, Neil Nightingale
Writer: John Collee
Charlie Rowe, Karl Urban, Angourie Rice

CAST
Charlie Rowe…Ricky (voice)
Karl Urban…Uncle Zack (voice)
Angourie Rice…Jade (voice)
John Leguizamo…Alex (voice)
Justin Long…Patchi (voice)

Hey thank you, I’ma make you lunch, thank you. Okay, now put your claws together for James Bronnnnnntosaurus!
[James Brown style]
Pum pum pum, I eat wood, dada dada dada da, it tastes good, dada dada dada da no meat, big feet, I eat wood, pum pum pum!
-Robin Williams, MRS DOUBTFIRE (1993)
 
LOOK WHO’S TALKING NOW

WALKING WITH THE DINOSAURS is a CGI family movie. It’s about ‘Patchi’, a dinosaur who wants to lead a pack of dinosaurs someday.

The premise starts with a family going on a road trip, to do some dinosaur hunting. I mean dinosaur bone hunting. Inexplicably, a bird starts narrating the movie. He lives in the present, but he also existed 67 million years ago.  So he can tell you what went on with the dinosaurs. Eventually, you forget about the humans from the beginning of the movie, but they show up at the end.

Remember the part of MRS DOUBTFIRE,  where Robin Williams is messing around with those toy dinosaurs . WALKING WITH DINOSAURS is 87 minutes of that: pure annoying-ness. Even your kids will find this boring. They should only watch this as punishment for something bad. Like killing a family pet or downloading movies off the internet.

In WALKING WITH THE DINOSAURS, when the dinosaurs speak, the words don’t sync with their mouth movements.  It feels like people are just talking in the background: like MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER, without the humor. Or maybe dinosaurs communicate telepathically. I don't know for sure. Not that syncing the dialogue would make this picture any better. Because this film’s main issue is the dialogue itself: it isn’t very good.

There are many science lessons interspersed through out the film. We learn the names of some dinosaurs. I don’t remember what those names were. But we learned them nonetheless. I also remember that some of the dinosaurs had feathers. I admire how the film strives for scientific accuracy. It’s worth noting that JURASSIC PARK 4 won’t have any feathered creatures. But I don’t mind; feathered dinosaurs don’t look cool.

Dinosaurs are one of my favorite things. And it upsets me to see them desecrated like this. It’s incredibly difficult to screw up dinosaurs. Even that purple dinosaur is ‘super dee-duper’ in small doses. I don’t know about his friends though.

WALKING WITH DINOSAURS sounds a lot like WALKING WITH THE DINOSAURS, an excellent Discovery Channel series. So like an asteroid, the only way you’re going to encounter this piece of interstellar garbage is by accident.

Final Verdict: 6 out of 100

A Madea Christmas

A MADEA CHRISTMAS
PG-13
100 Minutes
Director: Tyler Perry
Writer: Tyler Perry
Tyler Perry, Chad Michael Murray, Tika Sumpter

Cast
Tyler Perry...Madea
Anna Maria Horsford...Eileen
Tika Sumpter...Lacey

GOTCHA!

ANCHORMAN II
PG-13
119 Minutes
Director: Adam McKay
Writers: Will Ferrell, Adam McKay
Will Ferrell, Paul Rudd, Christina Applegate

Cast
Will Ferrell...Ron Burgundy
Christina Applegate...Veronica Corningstone
David Koechner..Champ Kind
Steven Carell...Brick Tamland
Paul Rudd...Brian Fantana
James Marsden...Jack Lime

'She said it! Summer just showed up out of nowhere! It's like a visit from you, Cass - unannounced and uncomfortable.'-SNL, MORNING LATTE (S25E19)

I hope everyone enjoys my Christmas present. What is it? I'm not reviewing Tyler Perry's A MADEA CHRISTMAS. Is not getting something a gift. Yes, a lack of presence can be the greatest present you never received. It's like having a degenerate, alcoholic uncle, who ruins Christmas every year. But let's say, he doesn't show up this year: if that's not a present, then by golly, it's a full-on, Christmas miracle. So Merry Christmas everyone, I'm reviewing ANCHOR MAN II.

This ANCHORMAN was about as good as the first one. Both films follow a similar formula. But that's not really an issue here, because it's funny. About three-quarters the way in, this film dragged a bit. This is the only flaw. But the moment you became bored, things picked up a bit. Like a Judd Apatow comedy, ANCHORMAN II was just a little too long.

This movie finished strong. Will Smith always said he didn't do cameos, only starring roles...with his children co-starring. But I'm glad he made an exception here. In this movie, Will dressed like he did in that episode of FRESH PRINCE, where he pretended to be Ashley's father in a parent-teacher conference. I don't remember what character he'd played here. Maybe a golf caddy. All kidding aside, Smith's presence was most fresh indeed.

Jim Carrey, it's good to have you back. I mean that. I hope this means an end to that long stretch of bad movies you've been in for the past eight years.

The best character in this whole movie is played by John C Reilly, he doesn't say much. If I told you his part, it would just ruin it.

Steve Carell's character was even funnier this time around. He finds love with Kristen Whiig, an equally dumb character. The same way Michael Scott found love on THE OFFICE.

Generally, I've always believed that the more a movie is promoted, the worse it is. But it's not true with ANCHORMAN II. This film is good enough, where a word of mouth campaign would have sufficed. As opposed to the overwhelming marketing campaign going on. Those Dodge Durango commercials are a bit much.

Merry Christmas readers, stay classy.

Final Verdict: 80 out of 100

Homefront

HOMEFRONT
R
100 Minutes
Director: Gary Fielder
Writer: Sylvester Stallone
Jason Statham, James Franco, Winona Ryder

CAST
Jason Statham…Phil Broker
James Franco…Morgan ‘Gator’ Bodine
Izabela Vidovic…Maddy Broker
Winona Ryder…Sheryl Marie Mott

Ex-DEA agent, Phil Broker, moved to a new town with his daughter. His wife died and now he’s doing things Danny Tanner style. By mopping the floor clean with his enemies. I don’t know what he does for a living.   His daughter gets in a fight at school with the wrong kid. And this unleashes a battle that really blows the situation out of proportion.

HOMEFRONT feels a bit like ROADHOUSE, except ROADHOUSE wasn’t this ridiculous. This movie feels closer to a condensed episode of BREAKING BAD. Without a story or character development. Gator is like Walter White. Phil is like a bald, DEA agent. There’s no Skyler though. Phil’s wife is long dead. Oh man, you know this is going to be good. Because DEA agents and drug lords go together about as well as two positively-charged ions.

Regardless of the character he’s playing, it’s always difficult not to root for James Franco. And in that way, I think he’s like a skinny Louie Anderson.  But in HOMEFRONT, he plays an unsympathetic, almost comically evil, villain. I didn’t have a problem with Franco cooking meth, but when he killed that kitten, that’s where I stop rooting for him. I found out later, he merely abducted the kitten of a nine-year-old girl. Okay cool, now I’m back on the Franco trolley. But then he tries to kill Jason Statham, and perhaps not return the kitten. This is where I had mixed emotions. On one hand, all the meth money is helping the community, but on the other hand, he’s a sociopath. But then again, meth makes people more productive…hmmm

I’m genuinely surprised to see Jason Statham and James Franco in the same movie. I wonder what the conversation was like for Franco and his agent…

So I’m playing a dooshy, meth dealer, and Jason Statham is the guy seeking revenge on me. And what’s that…Sly Stallone wrote it. Call me Thompson’s Water Seal, cuz I am on board. Perhaps I’ll have to make my trophy case larger, with all the Oscars I’m taking home from this film. And what the hell, why did you wait so long to tell me about this project?…You’re fired.

Everyone dies in the end. Not in this movie though. I think everyone knows how HOMEFRONT ends. One guy kills any desire you had to see movies with Jason Statham.

Final Verdict: 45 out of 100

Frozen

FROZEN
PG
108 Minutes
Directors: Chris Buck, Jennifer Lee
Writers: Jennifer Lee, Chris Buck
Stars: Kristen Bell, Josh Gad, Idina Menzel

CAST
Kristen Bell..Anna
Idina Menzel… Elsa
Jonathan Groff…Kristoff
Josh Gad…Olaf
Santino Fontana…Hans
Alan Tudyk… Duke

‘Allow me to break the ice. My name is Freeze. Learn it well. For it’s the chilling sound of your doom.’-Mr Freeze, BATMAN & ROBIN (1997)

Ice To Meet You

FROZEN is a tale of two, vaguely Scandinavian sisters, Queen Elsa and Princess Anna, who rein in the Kingdom of Arendelle. And if you were wondering, these women were not democratically elected.

Queen Elsa spends more time with ice than Tanya Harding. She is beauty and beast, simultaneously. Because she is a beauty, shunned by the people as freakish, and dangerous. Elsa is a female version of the Jack Frost from LEGENDS OF GUARDIAN, and  SANTA CLAUSE 3.  Don’t let the film, JACK FROST confuse you. That character doesn’t create snow, he can only use it to come back to life for his son to beat up a school bully.

With a title like FROZEN, automatically, you’ll compare it to another movie. But let me assure you, this film is nothing like ICE AGE. Sure there is snow and ice. And furry, wise-cracking animals. But that’s it. And it’s not like FROZEN was made for the sole purpose of making money.

Walking In A Winter Wonderland

FROZEN is an avalanche of many long, boring songs.  Although I found the ‘REINDEERS ARE BETTER THAN PEOPLE’ song incredibly enchanting, and persuasive. The soundtrack isn’t my main complaint, because the music is never good in a cartoon. Unless it’s THE JUNGLE BOOK.

In a movie about perpetual winter. You’ll be surprised to find that there are no DQ Blizzards, Icees, or Mr Freeze pop…characters. Would it really hurt anyone to have Sir Issac Lime make a cameo appearance?

Olaf, the snowman is like that kid from THE BLIND SIDE. Not super annoying, just a little irritating, to the point–you almost wished that Michael Oher didn’t save him in that car accident. As is, Olaf is a little too close to that David Spade character in THE EMPEROR’S NEW GROOVE. In FROZEN, this snowman character should’ve been less obnoxious, and a little more adorable. I’d also be open to a stoner snowman as well. He’d be named Bro-Zen. This snowman would always have potent cron-don in his corn-cob pipe. Dispensing sage advice contained in key moments throughout the film. David Cox-Arquette will do the voice.

‘An act of true love will thaw a frozen heart.’

It’s difficult not to feel like a jaded, cynical asshole. Critiquing an anti-feminist, children’s cartoon. But even if I were a kid, there is no way I would have liked this movie. It’s about a queen and a princess that don’t really do much, or have much fun.

Visually, this movie looks spectacular. Like a well-animated, 90-minute snow globe. So I recommend you rent FROZEN next year. And play it in the background during a holiday party. But put it on mute, because you never know, it might sync up with DARK SIDE OF THE MOON.

Merry Christmas Everyone

Final Verdict: 50 out 100