by Edward Dunn
I don't think I will be able to edit this website in the future. I believe that I am loosing my eyesight. I know that I haven't updated this website in quite some time. I have always intended on writing more reviews in the future. But it looks like I can no longer write reviews nor watch movies
It looks like a a few people still visit this website. I will keep this website up as long as i can. Thanks for reading all these years.
Love,
Edward Dunn
by Edward Dunn
EQUALIZER II
R
121 Minutes
Director: Antoine Fuqua
Writers: Richard Wenk, Michael Sloan, Richard Lindheim
CAST
Denzel Washington...Robert McCall
Pedro Pascal...Dave York
Ashton Sanders...Miles Whittaker
Orson Bean...Sam Rubinstein
I was in the mood to see Denzel kick some ass. And since I can't follow the man around, waiting for him to get into an altercation, watching EQUALIZER II is the next best thing.
EQUALIZER II is completely different from the first film. This time around, it's all about Denzel Washington. One day, he gets bored with the acting game, and becomes an 'equalizer', to help people for a change. It makes so much sense. Denzel has attained such a broad skill set from his previous roles as a boxer, a security guard, and all the various police/military officer characters... that he couldn't help but transform into an 'equalizer'. Any other life path would be unconscionable. That movie sounds cool, but it's obviously not this one. They wouldn't change the main character of a successful franchise, would they? Dwayne Johnson replaced Vin Diesel in FAST FIVE. Which means anything is possible, but I digress.
EQUALIZER II is like the first film, and that includes that stupid, blue, button-down shirt. This time around, Robert McCall drives a Lyft, instead of working for Home Mart. The only meaningful difference between this film and the first EQUALIZER is hair — Denzel has hair. Maybe Homer Simpson looks good with a bald head, but not Denzel Washington. It just makes the character look impotent. Like he's going through chemotherapy or something.
THE EQUALIZER franchise is based on a fair-to-midland TV show. So it's no minor miracle, that a movie adaptation, even one with so many flaws, is as good as it is. I don't remember much about this unremarkable, paint-by-the-numbers, action-thriller, but I do remember liking it...a little bit.
Final Verdict: 82 out of 100
Spoiler alert: You already know that Denzel's character lives, because you don't write EQUALIZER II without having a rough outline of EQUALIZER III. My only concern is for his health. I don't want him to have a nervous breakdown...from the exertion of acting like a badass-looking, out of shape, middle-aged man.
by Edward Dunn
THE SHAPE OF WATER
R
123 Minutes
Director: Guillermo del Toro
Writers: Guillermo del Toro, Vanessa Taylor
Sally Hawkins, Octavia Spencer, Michael Shannon
CAST
Sally Hawkins...Elisa Esposito
Michael Shannon...Richard Strickland
Richard Jenkins...Giles
Octavia Spencer...Zelda Fuller
Michael Stuhlbarg...Dr. Robert Hoffstetler
Doug Jones...Amphibian Man
It's difficult to watch movies about bizarre, misunderstood creatures. Which is why I avoid Gary Busey films. But seriously, go watch KING KONG, MIGHTY JOE YOUNG, or IRON GIANT. Preferably, later in the evening, otherwise your whole day will get ruined. Those movies are especially sad. With MARLEY AND ME, the dog dies, but at least Marley died surrounded by a loving family. King Kong dies Tupac-style, alone in a hail of gunfire, never to experience any of the love this world has to offer. THE SHAPE OF WATER is a different type of 'monster' movie. It posits that the real monster is...humanity. Just kidding, this review isn't about to get pretentious. Humans and a single, strange creature can live in harmony. Just look at ALF, or HARRY AND THE HENDERSONS. But once there's a group of strange creatures, like in ALIENATION, conflict ensues. Like confronting a coworker who keeps weird smelling food in the fridge at work. You try having that conversation, without sounding culturally insensitive. This is a film for those of us who would like monster movies, if it weren't for those callous, tragic endings.
The SHAPE OF WATER is about a strange amphibious creature. He's chained, and tortured in a government facility. Elisa Esposito is a mute woman, who is a janitor at this facility. She and Aquaman soon develop a secret friendship. Elisa has a plan to break him out. But things don't go so swimmingly. Because this monster is scheduled to get euthanized in the near future. That's all you need to know.
I remember reading about a scientist that slept with dolphins in the 60s, and by slept, I mean had sex with. Humans can't sleep in the water, and as far as I know, she didn't boink dolphins, in the plural sense. She remained monogamous to 'Peter', but who knows for sure, dolphins all look the same. In this film, Guillermo del Toro celebrates bestiality. It's not looked at as something icky, shameful, or questionably consensual. They didn't get into the mechanics of intercourse between the two, but I assume it's the way Chris Farley, and Connie did it in CONEHEADS; with rings on their heads.
Aside from the story, it's the actors that make this movie particularly enjoyable. I like Sally Hawkins more than most people, because I think she's the character from HAPPY GO LUCKY, and she's not that character. The same goes for Michael Stuhlbarg. I like him, but only because he played a psychopath on an episode of LAW AND ORDER:CI. I enjoyed watching Michael Shannon, because he looks like Bill Hader. Who knows, maybe they're the same person. Like a Andy Kauffman/Tony Clifton situation. I'm on to you...Michael Hader. And as for Doug Jones, I liked him better on TWIN PEAKS.
Final Verdict: 98 out of 100
by Edward Dunn
IT
R
135 Minutes
Director: Andy Muschietti
Writers: Chase Palmer, Cary Fukunaga, Gary Dauberman, Stephen King
Jaeden Lieberher, Jeremy Ray Taylor, Sophia Lillis, Bill Skarsgård
CAST
Jaeden Lieberher...Bill Denbrough
Jeremy Ray Taylor...Ben Hanscom
Sophia Lillis...Beverly Marsh
Finn Wolfhard...Richie Tozier
Chosen Jacobs...Mike Hanlon
Jack Dylan Grazer...Eddie Kaspbrak
Wyatt Oleff...Stanley Uris
Bill Skarsgård...Pennywise
I heard a lot of chatter on this movie months before the release date. I didn't watch any of the trailers, but I knew it was scary. Which left me puzzled. How could a film about information technology be scary? Then I figured it was a movie version of the SNL sketch, 'Nick Burns, Your Company's Computer Guy'. Nothing is scarier than watching a two-hour Jimmy Fallon film. But alas, that was not the case. Nonetheless, I was pleasantly surprised with this movie about a psychopathic clown who terrorizes children.
I love how IT takes place in 1989. It really takes me back. Fine Young Cannibals were topping the charts. HONEY I SHRUNK THE KIDS was disappointing theater goers everywhere. Culturally, we reached peak blandness. Nonetheless, I still have fond memories of that magical summer before I started kindergarten. More than anything, IT is a love letter to a bygone era. Twas a much simpler time in America, when fanny packs were considered acceptable attire.
I can't overemphasize how historically accurate this film is. The clothes, movies, cars, and music are spot on. The bad things aren't whitewashed either. Back then, people used the 'other f-word' with reckless abandon. And bullies had free reign to torture kids, without interference from adults.
Good horror movies are rare, and a good Stephen King film is even rarer. First, the group of 13-year old friends is realistic. This is really how kids would interact with one another, kind of like SUPER 8. Secondly, the clown is actually creepy, and so are the adults. Like when the girl flirts with the pharmacist to steal cigarettes, the pharmacist actually flirts back. And her father, to put it delicately, had some serious boundary issues. And lastly, the acting is passable, which is no minor miracle with this many child actors.
I recommend you see IT. Isn't that a confusing statement, especially if those words were spoken aloud to another person. Uttering the sentence could start an Abbott and Costello routine. So instead of recommending IT, you should say 'I recommend you see the clown movie'. People will know what you mean. It's not like they're going to think you're talking about KILLJOY, or KILLER KLOWNS FROM OUTER SPACE.
Final Verdict: 90 out of 100by Edward Dunn
WAR OF PLANET OF THE APES
PG-13
140 Minutes
Director: Matt Reeves
Writers: Mark Bomback, Matt Reeves, Rick
Jaffa, Amanda Silver, Pierre Boulle
Andy Serkis, Woody Harrelson, Steve Zahn
CAST
Andy Serkis...Caesar
Woody Harrelson...The Colonel
Steve Zahn...Bad Ape
Karin Konoval...Maurice
Amiah Miller...Nova
Dawn Prince-Hughes, an anthropologist, noticed that Gorillas at zoos talk to each other (nonverbally), and it's mostly about humans outside their cage. So there's no need for me to suspend disbelief about apes conquering a planet. Clearly, they're just waiting for the right moment to take shit over.
Normally, I'd take the time to describe the plot, but the title says it all. Everything takes place on an Earth-like planet. Where people and animals speak (and sign) in English. Ron Pearlman...I mean Caesar is the chief of apes. And the apes are fighting humans in a war.
It would be easy to point to the symbolism and the use of metaphors, because those things aren't exactly subtle. The apes are kind of like Native American/Slaves. While the colonel and his men are like that KFC guy with a Confederate Army. But I won't go into further detail. If you think too much about it, you might not enjoy the film.
Only dead animals in movies can make me cry. So if an animal dies after a heroic act, I'm scarred for life. I know these animals are computer generated, but it doesn't matter. The battle scenes are still difficult to watch. It's like one of those Sarah McLachlan commercials...times a hundred; except my donation to the ASPCA won't keep these animals from the arms of an angel.
This story isn't all tragic though. You already know the apes prevail in the end. After all, it's called PLANET OF THE APES, not PLANET OF THE HUMANS, or PLANET WHERE APES AND HUMANS PEACEFULLY COEXIST. On another positive, the apes are adorable, even when they're acting super serious. If I watched Caesar read the DIARY OF ANNE FRANK, I'd be unable to suppress that ear-to-ear grin on my face.
In closing, I want to say that it's very difficult to make a part III worth watching. Remember BACK TO THE FUTURE III? Neither do I, and I'm pretty sure I watched it. I'm impressed with the APES franchise thus far, and just like those LAND BEFORE TIME cartoons, WAR OF PLANET OF THE APES demands several follow-up films.
Final Verdict 95 out of 100
by Edward Dunn
ALL EYEZ ON ME
R
140 Minutes
Director: Benny Boom
Writers: Jeremy Haft, Eddie Gonzalez, and Steven Bagatourian
Demetrius Shipp Junior, Danai Gurira, Kat Graham
CAST
Demetrius Shipp Junior...Tupac Shakur
Danai Gurira...Afeni Shakur
Kat Graham...Jada Pinkett
Hill Harper...Interviewer
Annie Ilonzeh...Kidada Jones
Jamal Woolard...Biggie
Dominic L. Santana...Suge Knight
Except for that poetry album, read aloud by Malcolm Jamaal-Warner. I've listened to all Tupac's music, watched all the documentaries, and movies. Which unfortunately, includes NOTHING BUT TROUBLE. So naturally, I had to watch this film. As a fan, I'd be inclined to like any movie about Tupac. That is, unless it's this bad.
First and foremost, let's talk about how good all the impersonators are. At the most basic level, I have few complaints. Even the ancillary characters: Dre, Snoop, Daz, and Kurupt were true to life. No Nate Dogg though. I suspect his silky smooth vocals were just too difficult for any mere mortal to imitate. Aside from his psychopathic tendencies, Suge Knight plays as a cliché record executive. But I can't fault the movie for that. If all record executives are the same, then it leaves very little room for nuance. As for Tupac; appearance wise, Demetrius Shipp is impeccably close. His voice isn't spot-on, but is nonetheless adequate. The one thing missing is Tupac's charisma.
The lack of charisma, is the same issue I had with the Biggie movie. While larger-than-life people can never be duplicated, filmmakers can still approximate them better. Like in THE BUDDY HOLLY STORY (1978). A pre-motorcycle-accident Gary Busey literally thought he was possessed by the spirit of Buddy Holly, and you know, I'm inclined to believe him.
Next, I want to talk about...nothing else. Aside from the characters, I'm not left with much substance. Large segments of the movie are recreations of documentaries, music videos, and concert footage. It felt like there was only about thirty minutes of unoriginal original dialogue. Which leaves me with no new insights into the man, or his life. And even though this picture is over two hours, it still felt like the movie was fast-forwarding through the rapper's life just to get to the last scene of the Vegas shooting.
If he were actually dead, Tupac would be rolling in his grave. ALL EYEZ ON ME is bad for a reason: because something this egregious just might get the rapper to come out of hiding.
Final Verdict: 40 out of 100
by Edward Dunn
CAPTAIN AMERICA: CIVIL WAR
PG-13
143 minutes
Director: Anthony Russo, Joe Russo
Writers: Christopher Markus, Stephen McFeely, Mark Millar, Joe Simon, Jack Kirby
CAST
Iron Man…Robert Downey Junior
Captain America…Chris Evans
Hawkeye…Jeremy Renner
Falcon…Anthony Mackie
Ant-Man…Paul Rudd
Black Widow…Scarlett Johansson
CIVIL WAR?
One look at the title, and you know what it’s about: the American Civil War. The Avengers reenact the Battle of Gettysburg, as a team building exercise, but they never get to reenact anything. Before the fake battle begins, Loki and his intergalactic minions open a wormhole, and the Avengers are transported into the real Civil War. And this time the right side will win. No, hear me out. I mean if the South won, Lincoln doesn’t get assassinated. Honest Abe retreats to Toronto. And the Confederacy would get their own country, for a while anyway. Before killing themselves, through bar fights, incest, and slave rebellion…right around 1870. At which point, Lincoln moves back to the states, to sew together the tattered pieces of old America; because that’s how history works. To my surprise, CAPTAIN AMERICA: CIVIL WAR wasn’t about the American Civil War. Which goes to show that you can’t always get the gist of a film from the title alone, like NAKED LUNCH. Sometimes it’s best to watch the trailer.
THIS WAR DOESN’T SEEM SO CIVIL
I might as well start with the things I didn’t like. The fight scenes were frequent, and lengthy. Generally, I don’t mind fight scenes, but do they have to be so long. I can suspend disbelief for short bursts of time, but overly long fight scenes make you realize your watching a cartoon. I can now envision a future where actors become obsolete. And CGI people star in their own two-hour fight scene.
HAWKEYE…WHAT’S HIS DEAL?
It’s not Jeremy Renner’s fault, but of all the Avengers, Hawkeye is the least compelling. He shoots arrows, accurately…that’s it. If things took place in Middle Earth, and Jeremy Renner were Orlando Bloom, then I’d find Hawkeye’s antics more impressive.
LAST WORDS
At this point, you may have the impression that I didn’t care for this AVENGERS movie, but that’s not the case. I was never bored because I never had a chance to think about what was going on. Nonetheless, CIVIL WAR is still a solid, BM…I mean, solid, B-movie. Sharp humor, and an interesting cliffhanger, push this into I-wouldn’t-mind-seeing-this-again territory.
Final Verdict: 81 out of 100
by Edward Dunn
GOD IS NOT DEAD 2
PG
120 Minutes
Director: Harold Cronk
Writers: Chuck Konzelman, Cary Solomon
Melissa Joan Hart, Jesse Metcalfe, David A.R. White
CAST
Maria Canals-Barrera…Catherine Thawley
Pat Boone...Walter Wesley
Robin Givens...Principal Kinney
Melissa Joan Hart...Grace Wesley
Brad Heller...School Attorney
Ernie Hudson…Judge Robert Stennis
Clarissa Explains It All
GOD IS NOT DEAD 2 was more compelling than the previous installment. In that there is actually something at stake. First off, this movie takes place in a courtroom, instead of a Philosophy 101 class. But the courtroom proceedings are so ridiculous, it makes an
episode of NIGHT COURT look like a Nuremberg trial. Furthermore, Kevin Sorbo is conveniently absent from the proceedings, so I’m going to award seven bonus points.
Drive Me Crazy
This film has a simple premise. Clarissa is a history teacher that gets fired for quoting a bible verse. This quote stated a non-controversial, historical fact. Nonetheless, it’s a big deal. Sabrina has to fight for her job in court. Now, the school district is making it their business to persecute a Christian educator. There are other plot points, but I won’t into them, because can see how bored you’re getting.
The only chance a faith-based movie has at success, is with Hollywood stars…of yesteryear. Melissa Joan Hart, Robin Givens, Ernie Hudson. Also, it was strange to see the sister from THE GOLDBERGS, play one of the main characters. I like her on that show, and I don’t know how she got roped into this. Because it’s not like this gig pays network sitcom money.
Salem Witch Trial
As I stated earlier, Melissa Joan Hart stars in this film. Yes, that Melissa Joan Hart. Star of CLARISSA EXPLAINS IT ALL, and SABRINA THE TEENAGE WITCH. And let me tell you, this movie could really use a talking cat, especially one hell-bent on world domination. His name would be Jesus, and he could take the witness stand. I know he’s not the real Jesus, but no one else has to know. Because a talking cat must be…feline…I mean Divine.
Final Verdict: 7 out of 100
by Edward Dunn
RACE
PG-13
134 Minutes
Director: Stephen Hopkins
Writers: Joe Shrapnel, Anna Waterhouse
Stephan James, Jason Sudeikis, Eli Goree
CAST
Stephan James...Jesse Owens
Jason Sudeikis...Larry Snyder
Eli Goree...Dave Albritton
Shanice Banton...Ruth Solomon
Adrian Zwicker...Adolf Hitler
‘Life ain't a track meet, it's a marathon.' -Ice Cube, (YOU CAN DO IT)
First, I love the title, RACE. It's clever, because it's about a race, and a race. This movie is released in February, and everybody knows that only the best throwaway films are released this time of year. February is also Black History Month, which is a strange coincidence. I think RACE is a little too on the nose, titlewise. It should've been called: HITLER'S RACE.
Speaking Of Hitler
The main reason I wanted to watch this is for the fictitious Adolph Hitler. I pondered on all the possibilities. What's the mustache going look like? Real, fake, electrical tape, I don't know. Is he going to be cartoonish, like in the HEIL HONEY I'M HOME television show (yes, that was a real show). Hitler can be funny. One time, after eating a chocolate lava cake; inadvertently, I gave myself a little Hitler mustache. I wish I was lying, but I dealt with dozens of snickering customers that day, before a coworker finally pointed it out. But I digress. Anyway, would this be an alternate history film, where Jesse Owens shoots Hitler, before hijacking the Hindenburg? Sadly no. This Hitler did nothing interesting. He just sat there, glaring at Jesse Owens. I kind of feel cheated in a way. Hey filmmaker, why are you showing Hitler in the trailer, if he's not going to do anything cool.
The Movie Itself
RACE, the film, isn't terrible. Uneven? Absolutely. Well acted? Definitely. And while I enjoyed the last third of the film. The first two-thirds of the movie were just kind of...meh. Nothing exciting, just your not-so-typical athlete, overcoming adversity. I don't need to explain any further, you've all seen COOL RUNNINGS. But if you have money to throw away, go see RACE at a theater...and since you already get the gist of the movie, walk in around the two-thirds point of the film. You're going to like the way you look, I guarantee it.
Final Verdict: 75 out of 100
by Edward Dunn
ANOMALISA
R
90 Minutes
Writers: Charlie Kaufman
Director: Duke Johnson, Charlie Kaufman
David Thewlis, Jennifer Jason Leigh, Tom Noonan
CAST
David Thewlis...Michael Stone
Jennifer Jason Leigh...Lisa Hesselman
Tom Noonan...Everyone Else
ANOMALISA is a stop-motion movie, about the desolation of life on the road; kind of like UP IN THE AIR. Except this film focuses on one character, Michael Stone. He's a customer service guru, author, and motivational speaker.
Because Tom Noonan plays most of the females in a male voice, I thought many of the females were transvestites. Which means Tom had a thing for pre-op females. It's a possible scenario, because none of the characters actually take their clothes off. But I'm most likely wrong. Just look at Eddie Murphy, he played many female characters in THE NUTTY PROFESSOR, but that doesn't necessarily mean he enjoys the company of transvestites. Besides, puppets don't really have a gender.
I've waited far too long for another Charlie Kaufman film to get made. But it's understandable. SYNEDOCHE was as ambitious as movies get. Exploring the entire human condition in a look two-hour film, is no easy task. And like SYNEDOCHE, so much effort was put into this ANOMALISA picture, that I suspect we'll be waiting many years for the next Kaufman movie.
If my review still hasn't persuaded you, you should still watch ANOMALISA, if only for the spectacular puppet love scene, rivaling that of TEAM AMERICA.
Final Verdict 98 out of 100
by Edward Dunn
Creed
PG-13
133 Minutes
Director: Ryan Coogler
Writers: Ryan Coogler, Aaron Covington, Sylvester Stallone
Sylvester Stallone, Michael B Jordan, Tessa Thompson
CAST
Michael B. Jordan...Adonis Johnson
Sylvester Stallone..Rocky Balboa
Tessa Thompson...Bianca
Phylicia Rashad...Mary Anne Creed
Andre Ward...Danny 'Stuntman' Wheeler
Tony Bellew...'Pretty' Ricky Conlan
'This movie has a lot of boxing. One time I punched a guy from 311, but I never actually boxed.' -Scott Stapp (Interview)
Don't be fooled by the title, this movie is not about Scott Stapp, or his band, Creed. Because there's so many questions. Like what really happened on that tour bus with Kid Rock, and all those groupies. Additionally, how did Scott uncover all those government conspiracies...while strung out on drugs. Not that the two are necessarily related. All kidding aside, Scott Stapp really does have a problem with CREED (the film). At least I thought so, it's difficult to detect sarcasm from a printed article. But after I watched the FUNNY OR DIE clip, I couldn't help but feel let down. His newly found sobriety has made him far too self aware to be funny.
I don't consider myself much of an expert on Sylvester Stallone movies, because I'm really more of a savant. Do you know anyone else who has seen all of Stallone's movies... multiple times...voluntarily? And for the record, I'm not including THE ITALIAN STALLION (1970), a softcore adult film. His character's name was 'Stud'...enough said. But I am including those horrific films he made in the nineties. However, things did slowly improve, moving forward into the 21st century. In what I like to call his 'post-GET CARTER' years. Purely by accident, Stallone has started making movies that people actually want to see. That's not to say he's above taking a big paycheck for a bad project. CREED exists only to make up for GRUDGE MATCH, a film that will forever haunt my dreams. But in all fairness, GRUDGE MATCH is mostly De Niro's fault.
Hmmm, I just realized that I haven't mentioned anything about the plot. From the title alone, I think you get the gist. Apollo Creed's son has something to prove, so he trains Rocky for one last fight against George Forman. Need I say more?
In a world that seems so chaotic, people crave something familiar: the warm embrace of a Sylvester Stallone movie. And just like your dog leaving presents under the Christmas tree, it's something you can count on. Creed isn't coming out on DVD for a while, so this holiday season, put a card saying 'I-O-U one CREED DVD' in your mom's Christmas stocking.
Final Verdict: 90 out of 100
by Edward Dunn
FATEFUL FINDINGS
100 Minutes
R
Writer: Neil Breen
Director: Neil Breen
Danielle Andrade, Jennifer Autry, Brianna Borden
CAST
Danielle Andrade...Ally
Jennifer Autry...Leah
Neil Breen...Dylan
Klara Landrat...Emily
David Silva...Jim
Stop whatever your doing, and watch FATEFUL FINDINGS. It makes THE ROOM look like CITIZEN KANE. And like THE ROOM, this filmmaker, Neil Breen, is pretending that FATEFUL FINDINGS was made bad...on purpose. But this claim is a rather dubious one at that. First, no one with a .biz website should ever be trusted (fatefulfindings.biz). I've heard some accounts of people not getting DVDs they've purchased through the site. And second, if campy were a race, FATEFUL FINDINGS goes on a warp speed detour into the Andromeda Galaxy, before arriving at the finish line.
What's This Thing All About?
Officially, FATEFUL FINDINGS is about a computer hacker who uncovers government and corporate secrets. It's the only vaguely true plot point I'm able to decipher. Everything else unfolds in a truly random fashion. The same way you might recall a dream...nay, nightmare.
Dylan drops his vintage cellphone, while crossing the street. He tried to retrieve it, but gets hit by a Rolls Royce. In the next scene, Dylan is in a hospital bed, covered in bandages. After getting imbued with magic powers, he walks out of the hospital, and heads home. Once he's home, we're treated to an awkward love making session in the shower. Where Dylan has yet to take off all the bandages, and gauze from his face. And now, the protagonist's metamorphosis from man, to magic man, is complete.
Jim: We haven't had sex in a while, do you realize that?
...
Jim's Wife: I'm very busy, my back is killing me. My office at the bank is having major problems.
Jim is Dylan's friend, although you would never think so, based on their lack of social interaction. Jim is an alcoholic. He's always knocking things down, and acting surly towards his wife. Don't worry, things get better for this couple. One day, when he's polishing his Lamborghini in the garage, his wife attempts to destroy the car...with bullets. One of those bullets hits her husband, and she immediately tries to cover up the accidental homicide, by making it look like a suicide. If I were in her place, I think I would at least attempt to wipe the finger prints off the gun. But who am I to judge, I don't know what it's like to kill a spouse.
Speaking Of Killing A Spouse
With all the computer hacking, Dylan forgets to pay attention to his wife, and she starts abusing alcohol and pain meds. Things end poorly for her, alone in her bed, she overdoses. It's okay though, he still has his childhood girlfriend, who has aged very well. It's almost as if she turned 30 and stopped aging entirely. Smash cut: the girlfriend and Dylan are making love in the woods. I know this guy sounds awful. Sleeping with another woman, right after his wife dies. But the grieving process is different for everyone. Just ask John Edwards.
Worse Than Corky Romano?
Movies this bad are a once in a lifetime experience. It's like a Mexican soap opera, without the production values, or storyline. Savor each morsel, like you would a discontinued candy bar, because nothing that sweet is ever coming back again.
Final Verdict: 0 out of 100
by Edward Dunn
STRIAGHT OUTTA COMPTON
R
147 Minutes
Director: F. Gary Gray
Writers: Jonathan Herman, S. Leigh Savidge, Alan Wenkus, and Andrea Berloff
Corey Hawkins, Jason Mitchell, Paul Giamatti
CAST
O'Shea Jackson Junior...Ice Cube
Corey Hawkins...Dr. Dre
Jason Mitchell...Eazy-E
Neil Brown Junior...Dj Yella
Aldis Hodge...MC Ren
Marlon Yates Junior...The D.O.C
Paul Giamatti...Jerry Heller
R. Marcos Taylor...Suge Knight
As a kid, I ate fruit loops every morning, with my YO! MTV RAPS. And I'd go to the public library just to read all of those SOURCE magazines. I'm like that Micheal Bolton character from OFFICE SPACE, nay, that Micheal Bolton character is totally based on me. I've been stoked for months for STRAIGHT OUTTA COMPTON to come out. And I was not disappointed. It's like this movie was made, specifically for me
My nickname was Eazy-E for my unofficial, intramural, soccer team (in my early twenties). I probably took the persona too far, with the Jerry curl wig, and the White Sox hat. At the time, I didn't care for the nickname, because I thought Eazy-E was a bit of a poser. On account of Eric not writing his own songs, and pretending to be a teenager. But dat shit don't even phaze me more...(clears throat) excuse me...no mo. Eaz quit school in the tenth grade to sell drugs, fund Ruthless Records, and discover BONE-THUGS-N-HARMONY. If datz not gangsta, den 'you straight trippin boo', to quote Steve Martin...in BRINGING DOWN THE HOUSE.
If there's one thing that transformed a good movie into a great one, it's the believable 2Pac. Someone found the right-looking guy, and they dubbed in someone's real voice, who sounded just like Pac. In related news, another picture is in pre-production that focuses on 2pac, and Snoop. But that situation isn't going to work for a full-length movie. Perhaps the real 2Pac is going to have to come out of hiding for this one. Daz Dillenger is in charge of that project. Judging by the DVD that came with his U KNOW WHAT I'M THROWIN UP album, I'm concerned with how this follow up movie will turn out, very concerned.
How many people did Eazy-E, inadvertently, give AIDS to? Considering 'Eazy' is in his nome de plume, quite a few. Magic Johnson got HIV, and he's still alive. But that's because a man with a 'Magic Johnson' could never die or transmit AIDS. But Eazy's fate wasn't so magical. SPOILER ALERT, he died. No wait, I can't end a review on such a glib, and morbid note. Eric Wright still lives on...in hologram form...at minor league baseball stadiums, with BONE-THUGS-N-HARMONY.
(Mic Drop)
Final Verdict: 99 out of 100
by Edward Dunn
I AM CHRIS FARLEY
PG-13
96 Minutes
Writer: Steve Burgess
Director: Brent Hodge, Derik Murray
Adam Sandler, Bo Derek, Chris Farley, Christina Applegate, David Spade Mike Myers, Kevin Farley
'I want to live fast and die young.'
-Chris Farley
I know, I know, I must be a masochist. First, I saw INSIDE OUT, and now, I AM CHRIS FARLEY. Somebody call Jermaine Dupri because I am ballin' out of control with these sad movies. I've seen that E! TRUE HOLLYWOOD on Chris Farley...33 times, and every time I watch it, I think, 'maybe this show will end differently...this time around. Deep down, maybe I believe he's playing an Andy Kauffman-esque joke, and Chris will ring my doorbell, and explain this elaborate ruse. Then I'm disappointed, and watch the E! Phil Hartman special, because that's all the E! network used to play: stories about celebrities who've died tragically.
Chris Farley was a lot like John Candy, and I'm not just talking about in the obvious way. John and Chris weren't always funny, but they could always put a smile on your face. On a related note, without drug problems, Chris still would have died before the age of 50. Which was last year. I don't know for sure, but maybe it's better that Chris wasn't around to turn into a regular on Adam Sandler movies. But that would also mean Kevin James wouldn't have a career.
Have you ever noticed that SHREK looks nothing like Michael Myers? Well, Mike Myers did. One thing that wasn't included what's the fact that Chris Farley recorded 'niner'-five percent of the voiceover work for Shrek before he died. I don't know why someone couldn't have given the movie the ol' Paul Walker treatment. Just tweak a couple things, that's it. Oh wait, I know why: you can't make eight sequels with a dead guy, not yet anyway.
Everyone needs to purchase this movie. Partially, because I would like to see a documentary made on Phil Hartman. But mostly because Chris Farley was a beautiful human being. It 's really a shame this film never got a wide release.
Final Verdict: 98 out of 100
by Edward Dunn
ANT-MAN
PG-13
117 Minutes
Director: Payton Reed
Writers: Edgar Wright, Joe Cornish, Paul Rudd, Adam McKay, Stan Lee, Larry Lieber, Jack Kirby
Paul Rudd, TI, Michael Douglas
CAST
Paul Rudd...Ant-Man
Michael Douglas...Dr. Hank Pym
Evangeline Lilly...Hope van Dyne
Corey Stoll...Yellowjacket
Michael Peña...Luis
TI...Dave
I saw this without really knowing what it was about. I saw ANT-MAN because I had to. There was only one movie playing in the two-hour window when my cell phone was getting repaired. What else was I going to? Watch a movie on my phone? Can't. How about reading a book? A little hard to do, without the kindle app on my phone. Even if I remembered to bring my tablet, the WIFI at the Barnes And Noble across the street isn't strong enough to reach the repair shop.
The Ant is a creepy insect, and I'm not just referring to Woody Allen's character in ANTZ. They aren't as creepy as cockroaches, water bugs, or praying mantises. Most ants are fairly benign, they just crawl around, and scavenge food for winter. Usually, you won't encounter large ant colonies, unless leave an open, 2-liter bottle of Mountain Dew in the attic. But how does all this information relate to the movie? It doesn't, ANT-MAN is a misnomer. Paul Rudd doesn't turn into ant, the way Bart Simpson turned into a human-fly hybrid, in that Halloween episode. No, Ant-Man can shrink to the size of ant,...oh, and he can control hundreds of ants with his mind, but that's it.
Could you imagine if Spiderman shrunk to the size of a spider, and mentally controlled large clusters of brown recluses? I know, it would be freaking awesome...yet terrifying. Although, that kind of power is rarely used. ANT-MAN is great, albeit, light entertainment, so the dark side of shrinking is never explored. But maybe it's completely unnecessary. Look at HONEY I SHRUNK THE KIDS, or HOLLOW MAN (I know shrinking and disappearing aren't quite the same thing, but c'mon). These two films aren't exactly the pinnacle of cinematic excellence, so don't fret, ANT-MAN is best movie that could have been made with the source material. The jokes were actually funny, and I was never confused; that is something very rare in a comic book movie.
Final Verdict: 90 out of 100
by Edward Dunn
INSIDE OUT (With Spoilers)
PG
94 Minutes
Directors: Pete Docter, Ronaldo Del Carmen
Writers: Pete Docter, Ronaldo Del Carmen, Meg LeFauve, Josh Cooley, Amy Poehler, Bill Hader
Amy Poehler, Phyllis Smith, Richard Kind, Bill Hader
CAST
Kaitlyn Dias...Riley Andersen
Amy Poehler...Joy
Phyllis Smith...Sadness
Richard Kind...Bing Bong
Bill Hader...Fear
Lewis Black...Anger
SPOILERS BELOW!
Read at your own risk, and please kindly refrain from sending any hate mail...directed at me. Although you should probably refrain from sending hate mail altogether. So just pause a moment, and reflect on whether composing electronic vitriol is the most constructive use of your time. What are you really getting out of it? More importantly, what are others getting out of it? This is why you have no friends. Dats da end, back to the review.
There's Someone In My Head But It's Not Me
INSIDE OUT is a Charlie Kaufman-esque story of a 12-year-old girl, who moves from Louieanderton, Minnesota to San Francisco. Which can take a toll one's mental health. Upon arrival, little Riley developed paranoid schizophrenia. This girl goes from normal to Syd Barrett, practically overnight. She hears all these voices: Joy, Sadness, Fear, and Anger. And Riley plays with someone who doesn't actually exist, Bing Bong (more on Bing bong later).
There are one lie in the preceding paragraph. I'll let you figure which one out on your own.
The Bing Bong Section
Saying, 'I can't believe that made that guy die', shouldn't count as a spoiler. There are 33 characters in this movie. That shouldn't narrow things down enough to justify a spoiler warning, but my coworkers disagree. Because once you start watching INSIDE OUT, and you know a character is going to die. It becomes painfully obvious which one gets it. Just like MARLEY AND ME, the most adorable character dies...Owen Wilson...I mean Marley (don't get mad, I already warned you about spoilers). In this movie, you get so attached to this Bing Bong character. You like him the same way you like Buddy from ELF. Buddy was just pure goodness personified. So imagine if Buddy the Elf died, tragically, falling off Santa's sleigh or something (diabetes?). You'd cry yourself to sleep, and life would become a permanent state of misery. That's what Bing Bong's death did to me, it felt like part of me died as well. Yeah, that's right, this film is TURNER AND HOOCH-Level sad. Life would be so much easier if only human characters died in movies, but that life would be much less meaningful.
Final Verdict: 98.6 out of 100
by Edward Dunn
JURASSIC WORLD
PG-13
124 minutes
Director: Colin Trevorrow
Writers: Rick Jaffa, Amanda Silver, Colin Trevorrow, Derek Connolly, Michael Crichton
Chris Pratt, Bryce Dallas Howard, Ty Simpkins, Vincent D’Onofrio, BD Wong, Judy Greer
CAST
Chris Pratt...Owen
Bryce Dallas Howard...Claire
Ty Simpkins...Gray
Judy Greer...Karen
Irrfan Khan...Simon Masrani
Vincent D'Onofrio...Hoskins
Every young boy goes through a dinosaur phase. They'll devour anything with dinosaurs, and this includes that Whoopi Goldberg movie, with the crime solving T-Rex. But for some of us, that dinosaur phase never ends. As we grow up, we gradually learn when it is socially acceptable to talk about dinosaurs in adult conversation...which is never, unless you become a paleontologist, or a Jeff Goldblum impersonator. Both of which exclude people who aren't geniuses.
JURASSIC PARK set the standard for dinosaur movies. Which is both good and bad. The sequels were okay, but only for hardcore JP fanboys. Other dinosaur movies were mostly disappointing, with the exception of VIVA ROCK VEGAS. Luckily, basic cable has helped me get my fix. With programs like, WALKING WITH DINOSAURS, and DINOSAUR PLANET. Still, I was getting a little antsy, over the past few years it's felt like dinosaur programming has gone extinct. Luckily, JURASSIC WORLD came around to fill the Argentinosaurus-sized hole in my heart.
I like the fact that there's a reasonable explanation for all the scientific inaccuracies. Like the lack of feathered creatures. Lab created, dinosaurs were not made from complete dinosaur genomes. So scientists had to insert missing pieces of Dino-DNA from modern animals, none of which were birds. Additionally, you may have noticed most of the dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous period, not the Jurassic. Realistically, the older, less evolved species couldn't peacefully, coexist with the Jurassic bad boys. But I'm cool with the deliberate, poetic license. Would you really want to watch a film called 'CRETACEOUS WORLD'?
JURASSIC WORLD does something completely different: create a completely new dinosaur. Dealing with a crazy Franken-Saurus is what this movie is all about. I guess GMOs really are bad for your health...does anyone else hear crickets chirping?
Vincent D’Onofrio is a tad one-dimensional in this film, but great nonetheless. He's the Wayne Knight of this JURASSIC WORLD. This corporate monster wants raptors to fight America's wars overseas; ironically, for 'fossil fuels'. I think any forthcoming sequel will involve dinosaurs fighting human wars...before turning on us. Altering dinosaur DNA to make them bulletproof? Absolutely nothing could go wrong.
First off, watch this movie...several times at an IMAX theater, with 3D glasses. Secondly, buy JURASSIC WORLD (Director's Cut) on Blu-ray. And lastly, replace your puny, 1080p flat screen, and upgrade to a 4K, 80-inch TV set. When you watch it, share the love. Pull the blinds up, and let young, impressionable children walking by see the magic of dinosaurs. Who knows, maybe one of those kids will become the next Steven Jay Gould.
Final Verdict: 99 out of 100
by Edward Dunn
LOVE AND MERCY
PG-13
120 Minutes
Director: Bill Pohland
Writer: Oren Moverman
CAST John Cusack...Brain Wilson
Paul Dano...Brian Wilson
Elizabeth Banks...Melinda Ledbetter
Paul Giamatti...Dr. Eugene Landy
BRIAN WILSON: WEIRDO OR LUNATIC, A COMPREHENSIVE ANALYSIS
When I think of the Beach Boys, I think of them doing that song for the PROBLEM CHILD soundtrack. You know, the one where John 'DUI' Stamos plays drums. But the Beach Boys cameo appearance on FULL HOUSE also comes to mind...no, wait...they where on there twice...no, thrice. First, as themselves, in BEACH BOY BINGO. Secondly, when Uncle Jesse got married. And lastly, as backup vocalists; when Jesse did a cover of the Beach Boys song, FOREVER (yes, that is a cover song... no, I don't know why Stamos can't write his own songs).
CHARACTERS AND ACTORS
Paul Giamatti really knows how to play a little shit...perfectly. Kind of like Jeremy Piven, except one of these guys is a legitimate actor, who didn't need bad hair plugs.
John Cusack played the older Brian Wilson, and Paul Dano played the younger version. This may not be much of a shocker, but the Paul Dano parts were better than the Cusack parts. But surprisingly, John Cusack was still tolerable. Because none of his films of the last 12 years haven't come close to the vicinity of tolerable.
QUESTIONS ANSWERED
I had many questions about the Beach Boys, before I saw the film. And some of those questions had answers, such as:
Did Mike Love always wear a hat?
Yes, but he didn't always wear a hat embroidered with 'The Beach Boys' on it.
Are the Beach Boys a good band?
From a technical standpoint, it's hard to argue the Beach Boys made bad songs. That said, for the most part, their music isn't for me. I do like a few of their songs. And for those of you that hate the Beach Boys, don't worry (baby), the soundtrack consists of more than Beach Boys songs.
Do I understand PET SOUNDS now?
No, I still don't understand PET SOUNDS. And now, I have even more questions about the album.
So John Cusack is appearing in movies with theatrical releases now?
Yes, and no. Yes, LOVE AND MERCY is ONE movie with a wide release. Movies, in the plural sense, means more than one. And I don't think we should be getting ahead of ourselves.
Final Verdict: 90 out of 100
by Edward Dunn
PAUL BLART: MALL COP 2
PG
94 Minutes
Director: Andy Fickman
Writers: Kevin James, Nick Bakay
CAST
Kevin James...Paul
Raini Rodriguez...Maya
Eduardo Verástegui...Eduardo Furtillo
Daniella Alonso...Divina
Neal McDonough...Vincent
'Take the money and run.'
-Steve Miller
Kevin James is at it again. No, they didn't reboot the ZOOKEEPER. This time, we get a sequel to the mall cop movie... no, the one without Seth Rogen (Seth's character is in jail for a very long time). I didn't really have a problem with the first PAUL BLART. Sure, it was dumb, but it had heart. It was a family film, but for what it was, it was fine. Now, this whole franchise feels like an adult version of HOME ALONE. One person, foiling the plans of incompetent criminals. And like HOME ALONE, we got a sequel that no one asked for.
This movie doesn't take place in a suburban, New Jersey mall. Now this time were in for a real treat. There's a security guard convention in Las Vegas. Doug...I mean Paul Blart has to prevent an evil crime lord (the villain from WALKING TALL) from stealing all the artwork at a hotel.
I always feel uncomfortable sitting in the movie theater, full of other people laughing...at things that aren't very funny. Is there any hope for humanity, if I to share the planet with these people. Forget I said that, I'm just being elitist.
Kevin James is not a completely inept comedian, or a comic actor. I kind of like his standup specials. And if I don't feel like thinking, I might turn on an episode of KING OF QUEENS. But this film is completely unacceptable. Yes, there were a few laughs and PAUL BLART 2, and I mean that literally, three laughs. I'd share them, but I don't want to spoil the movie for you.
Paul's mother gets hit by a milk truck, at the beginning. And this fact kind of gets glossed over, and made light of. I'm no prude, but getting killed by a milk truck isn't very funny. She should have gotten hit by an Oscar Myer Wiener Mobile...right in the keister. Now that's funny.
After the first movie, Kevin James lost a bit of weight. He hired a personal chef, and regularly drank kale smoothies for breakfast. So it looks like James had to gain about 50 pounds to play the role (rolls) again. Because a physically fit security guard is absolutely ludicrous. Risking your personal health for a mall cop movie is an interesting move. One day, Mr. James will find himself in a hospital bed after a heart attack, and he'll be glad he made PAUL BLART 2.
This film isn't completely irredeemable. There is a time and place to watch it. And that place is in prison, at Guantanamo Bay.
Final Verdict: 5 out of 10
Sidenote: Those dolphins on poster never actually appear in the movie
by Edward Dunn
GET HARD (Mini-Review)
R
100 Minutes
Director: Etan Cohen
Writers: Ian Roberts, Jay Martel, Adam McKay
CAST
Will Ferrell...James King
Kevin Hart...Darnell
Tip 'T.I.' Harris...Russell
Alison Brie...Alissa
Craig T. Nelson...Martin
You Had Me At Craig T. Nelson
At first blush, get hard looks crass, sophomoric, and shamelessly offensive. And from the previews, and many reviews that's what I was expecting; something about as funny as BIG MOMMA'S HOUSE … PART THREE. Instead I found myself laughing at this multiple times. Kind of a similar phenomenon too that's my boy. Except the humor here is intelligent, and insightful. People don't understand the nuanced humor, and the social satire. This movie pokes fun and criticizes the American justice system. And it's done in a way that isn't too preachy.
Yes, there were bad innuendos, rape jokes, racial jokes, and walking jokes, such as Craig T Nelson . But even with all these handicaps, get hard gave me a raging…side ache, from all the laughing I was doing. I've never enjoyed a movie more that got an unjust (ironically) 29% on Rotten Tomatoes.
Final Verdict: 84 out of 100
Sidenote: No, the director's name is not a typo. The spelling of Etan Cohen's name is suspiciously close to another famous director. Essentially, I was fooled into seeing this movie. It all worked out though.
