Battle Of The Year

BATTLE OF THE YEAR
110 Minutes
PG-13
Director: Benson Lee
Writers: Brin Hill, Chris Parker
Josh Holloway, Josh Peck, Chris Brown

'They're in a class all by themselves. They're the best
at what they do. And not you or anybody
is gonna take that away.'
-Christopher McDonald, BREAKIN' (1984)

Cast
Josh Holloway('Sawyer')...Jason Blake
Laz Alonso...Dante Graham
Josh Peck ...Franklyn
Chris Brown...Rooster'

The director of BATTLE OF THE YEAR, Benson Lee, made the good documentary, PLANET B-BOY, on which this movie is based. But his brilliance doesn’t transcend into the fictional world of break dancing. I think it’s because, with documentaries, well...they're hard to screw up.

From what I gathered, the basic premise is: America invented hip hop, if we don’t have the best B-Boy team in the world, then we might as well have spit on the troops that stormed the beaches in Normandy.

And thus, a coalition of freakishly talented dancers formed into, what some might call: a ‘Dream Team’. This ‘Dream Team’ may not have Michael Jordan, or Magic Johnson, but it does have one of Shawn Kemp’s kids.

‘You call yourself the ‘Dream Team’…more like the Dream Girls.’

Issues With This Film

-There isn't a token white girl, whose rich, unhip, conservative dad disapproves of her street thuggery, and the colored folks she associates with.

-Josh Peck is an assistant coach. I don't know how such an assistant would occupy his time. He's just standing there, with a clipboard and whistle, not offering anything of value to anyone.

-The trailer said this was coming out in January. Everyone knows that's when all the good movies come out. I hate being lied to.

-America's final dance was gimmicky. They did a routine blindfolded. Completely undermining the fundamentals of B-Boying. That should have been grounds for disqualification.

-Their choice of dancing attire seemed unimaginative.

-This is playing in actual movie theaters.

-There not being nearly enough of MTV's 'Sway'.

Things I Did Like

-I didn’t mind the lack of historical inaccuracy. Because it means a predictable film becomes slightly less so.
-Josh Holloway is doing alright for himself.
-The actors portrayal of the real people from the documentary were spot-on. I mean this in appearance (e.i. the sideways Yankee hat), and in overall dooshiness.
- Accurate subtitles for German, French, and Korean spoken language parts.

’For someone like me, this shit is it man. I’m never going to get another shot at this…ever.’

The Movie’s Conclusion: Breakin' Bad

Rooster twisted an ankle in practice, right before the big game. The coach promptly told him to make like Chris Brown and beat it. You can’t do much with crutches, except break your team’s chances of winning. Someone needed to replace rooster. So they brought back the guy kicked off the team for selling crack.

The Americans made it to the world championship. But in the end, the Koreans won. Don’t worry though, everything was on the up-and-up. This wasn’t like Roy Jones Jr getting robbed of the gold in 1988. America came in a less-than-respectable 2nd place. Which is a smart move. All that unfinished business leaves the door open for a sequel.

The strangest moment came toward the end. The coach started talking. He got all teary eyed, and starts talking about losing his family in a car wreck. Oh, that’s why he was drinking out of a flask, and acting like a dick. And the film ends on that note.

All My Complaints Pale In Comparison To This One Thing…

I’ve seen every dance movie, from STEPPIN’ UP to YOU GOT SERVED. I even remeber the part of FORREST GUMP, where he dances with his bloodhound to SWEET HOME ALABAMA. As an expert in dance movie, I can definitely say that this movie lacks Patrick Swayze and Jennifer Gray. And ultimately, that alone, killed it for me.

Final Verdict: 12 out of 100

Killing Season

KILLING SEASON
R
91 Minutes
Writer: Evan Daugherty
Director: Mark Steven Johnson
Robert De Niro , John Travolta, Milo Ventimiglia

‘Love is a battlefield.’ -Pat Benatar

CAST
Emil Kavoc…John Travolta
Benjamin Ford…Robert De Niro
Milo Ventimiglia …Chris Ford

Cruising past Redbox, something caught my eye, and piqued my curiosity. A film with John Travolta and Robert De Niro. Mark Steven Johnson, writer of JACK FROST, and director of GHOST RIDER. Creates, yet another masterpiece.

Originally, KILLING SEASON was planned as a prequel to FACE/OFF, set in the 70s. Except for Nick Cage didn’t like the script (baffling, I know). So Robert De Niro filled his place. But, what’s that you say? De Niro doesn’t look like Travolta. This doesn’t sound anything like FACE/OFF. There’s a fix for that. Things get changed to take place in the present and all the characters have different names.

I can just see those alien anthropologists of the future now, uncovering the ruins of the 21st century. They’ll look at the KILLING SEASON DVD. Thinking:

'Travolta and De Niro, this has to be good. We shall watch these titans of motion picture. And after doing so, we’ll have a good idea of what the best of humanity had to offer.'

The plot is simple. Two men, on opposite sides of the Bosnian conflict in the 90s, try to kill each other in the woods. With bows and arrows, in a game of cowboys and idiots. Archery duals can last a long time. Shooting arrows is not as easy as Orlando Bloom made it look in LORD OF THE RINGS.

Travolta is not the worst aspect of this film. He provided most of the comic relief. His accent was awe-inspiring. It’s like he got Bosnian lessons from Yakov Smirnoff. Furthermore, KILLING SEASON is not John Travolta’s worst movie. But I can only say this because he’s’ been in OLD DOGS, and BATTLEFIELD EARTH. I guess it’s like saying THE CHRONICLES OF RIDEDICK isn’t Vin Diesel’ s worst movie.

De Niro can play an Italian, and a knife salesman, but he can’t play a convincing redneck. With Ben, he often forgets to stay in character, randomly switching between his normal voice, and the character’s twangy drawl.

‘How does it feel to be the one being tortured?’

After a long, and pointless battle. Ben and Emil patch things up, not literally, they still need serious medical attention. They make amends, which includes a friendly chat, and a good hug. In the end, Ben and Emil come to understand that the only real enemies they have are in the audience.

Final Verdict: 10 out of 100
Sidenote: The movie is 81 minutes long, the credits last 10 minutes.

Tyler Perry's Temptation

TYLER PERRY’S TEMPTATION
PG-13
111 Minutes
Director: Tyler Perry
Writer: Tyler Perry
Jurnee Smollett-Bell, Vanessa Williams, Brandy Norwood

In Loving Memory of Roger Ebert (1942 –2013)Cast
Jurnee Smollett-Bell…Judith
Lance Gross…Brice
Kim Kardashian…Ava
Vanessa Williams…Janice
Robbie Jones…Harley
Brandy Norwood…Melinda

I don’t see too many Tyler Perry movies. Two, at last count. But this time, I experienced something unusual. I found myself in a packed theater, surrounded by white people who paid to see this movie. And they were laughing hysterically in random, inexplicable intervals.

Thirty minutes into this film, I thought this was the best Tyler Perry movie ever made. I suppose it was, technically speaking.

Brice and Judith are a boring, young couple. Brice is a lowly pharmacist and Judith works as a matchmaker for rich guys. And their marriage is in a bit of a rut.

She’s A Fine Girl, What A Good Wife She Would Be

Brice hires Melinda (Brandy) to work at his pharmacy. More on her later.

Brice, her husband, misses her birthday for the second year in a row. All was forgiven after she received some flowers at work. But wait a minute. Those flowers weren’t from her husband, they were from Harley.

Harley is one of Judith’s clients. Being married, Judy put up a good fight. Nonetheless, he was persistent, and pursued her relentlessly. You know something will happen between these people. I don’t know how. It all depends on how many weapons this gentleman has in his arsenal of seduction

Harley is a darker, non-golfing version of Tiger Woods. With as much passion as Tyrese and Tiger Woods put together. And he’s a billionaire.

Ahhhh Shit!

You could tell Judith had mixed feelings. She wanted to cheat on her husband, but she didn’t want to feel guilty about it.

I love the part where Harley kicked the shit out of Judith’s mom. He was very nonchalant about the incident. Sure, he’s a sociopath, and an irrational one at that. But it’s because his mother, literally, abandoned him in a crack house as an infant.

3 Letters Took Him To His Final Resting Place

Brice finds out Melinda, his employee, got AIDS from the same guy…oh, I’m sorry, HIV.

Judith, that two-timing whore got HIV. Serves her right, philandering and fornicating with that handsome devil.

There are many issues of plausibility in this movie. As a billionaire with HIV; word would get out pretty fast. Do you think Magic ‘Johnson’ goes on AIDS rampages, infecting women, left and right?

Saving The Best For Last (This Reference Works Because Vanessa Williams Is In This Movie)

Tyler Perry did something extraordinary, he made something derivative of his own screenplay. Which in itself was derivative. Derivative to the third power: D³  like the MIGHTY DUCKS. This man deserves a standing ovation.

Final Verdict: 14 out of 100

Sidenote: I couldn’t find an appropriate spot to place a Brandy-DUI joke: sincerest apologies. 

Marked For Death (Retro)

MARKED FOR DEATH (1990)
R
93 Minutes
Director: Dwight H. Little
Writers: Michael Grais, Mark Victor
Steven Seagal, Keith David Joanna Pacula, Basil Wallace

Cast
Steven Seagal--John Hatcher
Basil Wallace--Screwface
Keith David--Max

    Give me what I need and I'll leave here a nice guy. If you don't, I'm gonna fuck you up.'
                 -John Hatcher

Before starting his career as a blues musician, and even before the Mountain Dew commercials. We had Steven Seagal in his prime. He's a man, widely regarded as the biggest asshole in Hollywood. But would the biggest asshole in Hollywood sexually harass Jenny McCarthy, while she auditions for UNDER SEIGE II. AND get anointed by the Dalai Lama? Perhaps.

John Hatcher, 35, retires from the DEA, after his partner gets killed. He takes this newly found abundance of free time, and does a little soul searching. John stops by the old neighborhood, and pays the family a visit, hanging out there for a bit.

'Since when did anyone ever accuse me of being sane?'

One day, while he's catching up with an old friend at the pub, trouble found him. Rastafarian, dope-pushers, spray the pub with oozys. Reluctantly, he  comes out of retirement. He can no longer ignore the thugs that have taken the town hostage.

Screwface has been pushing crack to high school kids. But he's not all bad, he gives kids free samples during school functions.

So he teaches the drug king pin...Damien Marley... I mean 'Screwface' a lesson in manners. Screwface vows revenge.

So What's The Deal With The Title?

    'It's an African black magic symbol. lt was used by the Jamaican drug gang the other night...
    you've talked or exposed them...and have been marked for death... This may seem ridiculous
    to you, Hatcher, but these people are for real. Your family has been marked.'

Time To Bring Out The Big Guns

Most of the movie, he's rocking the stone-washed jeans, and a black sports coat. It's the fashion equivalent to the mullet: business on top, and party on the bottom. He enhances this, already spectacular ensemble, with a Madison Avenue ponytail. Way to 'discipline your image'... man.

If you pay attention closely, you'll notice a young, Danny Trejo. No, wait, that guy was born 50 years old.

Because they are all so similar, it's completely unnecessary to review any other Steven Seagal movie, but I still might, it's all just too much fun.

Steven Seagal is a student of eastern philosophy, and appropriately enough, his movie is like the Yin-Yang symbol. MARKED FOR DEATH, simultaneously, manages to be both bad and good; striking the right balance between two opposing forces, and achieving perfection.

Final Verdict: 100 out 100