Interstellar

INTERSTELLAR
PG-13
169 Minutes
Director: Christopher Nolan
Writers: Jonathan Nolan, Christopher Nolan

CAST Ellen Burstyn...Murph (older) Matthew McConaughey...Cooper Mackenzie Foy...Murph (10 Yrs.) John Lithgow...Donald  Timothée Chalamet...Tom (15 Yrs.)

'I'm pretty sure there's a lot more to life than being really, really, ridiculously good looking. And I plan on finding out what that is.'             -ZOOLANDER (Derek Zoolander)

Well, I'm all out of Matthew McConaughey jokes, and my previous jokes don't seem relevant anymore.I don't know of any other ditzy blondes that magically transformed into talented actors. Except for maybe Zachery Ty Bryan.

INTERSTELLAR is about a guy that goes into a worm hole to save humanity. I like how the worm hole is in Saturn, that's my favorite planet, car, and gaming system. Unfortunately, this planet is not Saturn, it's not even Europa. This guy needs to find a habitable planet, or humanity is doomed. So Mr. Cooper and a hot female astronaut go at it, and they start a Mormon-sized family. Fast-forward several thousand years, and we have a planet of only beautiful people. I wish it weren't so, but I was joking about the last part, with Planet McConaughey.

This movie didn't get too technical. I'm sure there were plenty of scientific inaccuracies. Just check Neil DeGrasse Tyson's Twitter feed...no go ahead, check it, and then come back to my review...I'll wait. Rather the story is more humanistic. The closest film to this movie is CONTACT. Like CONTACT, INTERSTELLAR is fixated on the father-daughter bond. But unlike CONTACT, Matthew McConaughey plays a smart person. Like Carl Sagan smart. I know McConaughey has had a bit of a renaissance, career-wise, but does this film have to be released right after those Lincoln commercials? I need a stepping stone for suspending disbelief. This stepping stone could be a movie, where he plays a teacher, or a mattress tester. But hopping from Lincoln commercials to this INTERSTELLAR business, that is really asking too much. 

INTERSTELLAR takes place over a century. I don't understand why LCD technology hasn't changed much in those 100+ years. In a big budget film, it wouldn't take much to add holographic, CGI computer monitors. This issue isn't a big deal, but it was a little distracting. 

This film falls short of CONTACT, and 2001: A SPACE ODYSSEY. But not by much. There's no way you're going to see a better science-fiction movie this year, or a century from now.

Final Verdict: 90 out of 100

The Hunger Games: Catching Fire

THE HUNGER GAMES: CATCHING FIRE PG-13 146 Minutes Director: Francis Lawrence Writers: Simon Beaufoy, Michael Arndt, Suzanne Collins

CAST Jennifer Lawrence–Katniss Everdeen Donald Sutherland–President Snow Josh Hutcherson–Peeta Mellark Liam Hemsworth–Gale Hawthorne Stanley Tucci–Caesar Flickerman Lenny Kravitz–Cinna Woody Harrelson–A. Burnout Philip Seymour Hoffman--Plutarch Heavensbee

‘Give ‘em guns, step back, watch em kill each other’- 2pac, CHANGES

Let The Games Begin

If we can learn anything from the Native Americans, it’s that you can solve all conflicts with archery. Also, archery is an efficient way to split an apple. (I know–William Tell references are so timely). So today I’m reviewing a movie about a girl who shoots arrows. It’s not as bad as it sounds. Just try not to think about things too hard, and you’ll be fine.

I like this movie, without really knowing why. It’s just people killing each other, very creatively.

• HUNGER GAMES is like RAMBO on Steroids…on Steroids 

• Or a season of SURVIVOR gone wrong, featuring only terrorist contestants.

• Or my favorite, the new AMERICAN GLADIATORS.

Characters

Lenny Kravitz really knows how to suck the life out of  a room. Every time he shows up, I sigh.  By my count, I sighed about six times in this film. But one of those was a sigh of relief.  This will be the only spoiler: but I don’t think we’re going to see any more Lenny Kravitz in future HUNGER GAMES films, unless there are flashbacks of him, or prequels. In a round about way,  I’m trying to say that he died. Yes, Lenny Kravitz died, very violently.

Donald Sutherland is such a menacing villain. And he’s good at playing one in movies.

Philip Seymour Hoffman, I’m surprised to see him in such a mainstream blockbuster. Even though he did the bare minimum in promoting this movie, Hoffman still puts much effort, in what he knows is a silly role: that’s admirable.

This Katniss character, she seems cold, and standoffish, like Jodie Foster. Maybe it’s because she’s killed so many people. Or perhaps it’s because she has suffered at the hands of so many men. She treats the men in her life like shit. Katniss needs to improve her mental health, before she breaks anymore hearts, literally, and figuratively speaking. I think therapy and treatment for PTSD are in order, which would include some potent pharmaceuticals.

Parting Words

What will happen next in THE HUNGER GAMES? I have no way of knowing, unless I read the books. Which could take a couple of weeks. Besides, I criticize movies, I don’t read books…for the purposes of movie criticism. I do know that we’ve got two more movies. And not many more people to kill off. That utopia couldn’t be too far off into the future.

This isn’t a movie made specifically for thinking people. It does have a similar ending to BIO-DOME. But that’s beside the point.  THE HUNGER GAMES series is for 13-year-old girls.  But they are not the only ones that can enjoy this movie. Pedophiles and psychopaths might like it too. And to you, the reader, wherever you may fall on the pedophile-psycopath continuum: I’m sure you won’t leave the theater hungry.

Final Verdict: 89 out of 100

About Time

ABOUT TIME
PG-13
123 Minutes
Director: Richard Curtis
Writer: Richard Curtis
Domhnall Gleeson, Rachel McAdams, Bill Nighy

CAST
Domhnall Gleeson...Tim
Rachel McAdams...Mary
Bill Nighy...Dad
Lydia Wilson...Kit Kat
Lindsay Duncan...Mum

'I'm a sucker for time travel movies.  Even ones with Kenau Reeves.' -E. Dunn

Back To The Future

A great rapper one said life is too short , but maybe it doesn't have to be. This story involves Tim, a young English man. He kind of looks like that ginger kid from Harry Potter. And he comes across as another version of Hugh Grant, except he's charming, and lands all his jokes.

On his 21st birthday, Tim's father tells him he can relive any moment of his life with time travel. To time travel, you go into a closet, clench your fists, and think about the moment you want to travel to. That's the basic premise. There are many caveats, but I don't want to bore you with those details.

If I Could Turn Back Time

In ALADDIN, Robin Williams said you can make people love you. This rule always applies to the movie world, any probably to life is well.  And it's true in this movie. But with Tim's gift, I think he'd have no problem in finding quality women to sleep with. For a 21-year-old man, that's just as good.

This all sounds wonderful. But I'm sure there be a downside. You might experience more tragedy in your life as well. Like all those hangovers. No wait, I've got it. I can avoid that mess by recreating the same drunken night, over and over...brilliant.

GROUNDHOG DAY appears like the most comparable film to ABOUT TIME. But it's very much different. For starters, Bill Murray is in around. Secondly, in GROUNDHOG DAY, the main character lives the same day, indefinitely, and it's not by choice. But in this film, Tim gets to relive any moment of his own life, and live with some of the consequences.

There's an old cliché that no one's perfect. But I've always thought that even if you could be perfect, it isn't like all your problems would end. You'd still have to deal with envious people, intent on ruining your life. At least that's always been my experience. In this story, Tim is perfect. It never felt like he experienced any form of personal tragedy. Perhaps Tim would really experience life this way. Still, this lack of conflict makes me think the movie is missing something. Because there's not enough downside to Tim's 'affliction'. Overall, this issue doesn't detract much from the film.

Perfect The Art Of Dying

Maybe the point of ABOUT TIME is that we shouldn't spend our limited time watching movies, even this one. Although this seems unlikely, that type of message wouldn't take two hours to convey. ABOUT TIME is original thoughtful and life affirming. Watching it will make you feel good: watching-kitten-videos-on-YouTube feel good. Watch this when you feel like it, you've got plenty of time.

Final Verdict: 90 out of 100

Ghost Chase (Retro)

GHOST CHASE (1987)
89 Minutes
PG
Director: Roland Emmerich
Writers: Roland Emmerich , Thomas Kubisch
Stars: Jason Lively, Tim McDaniel, Jill Whitlow

Cast
Jason Lively…Warren McCloud
Tim McDaniel… Fred
Jill Whitlow…Laurie Sanders
Leonard Lansink…Karl
Paul Gleason…Stan Gordon
Unknown Voice Over Actor…Louis (Alien Butler)

So My Granfather’s Butler Is An Alien

Everything in this movie was so convoluted, where do I start?

Warren McCloud gets a grandfather clock after his rich grandfather dies. The details are sketchy, but I believe the grandfather committed a murders-suicide, and his buttler died in the same incident. A lot of money is hidden in the McCloud estate.

This grandfather clock contains the spirit of the butler. One night, when the clock rang 12, the butler comes back as a ghost, but not just any ghost, one that inhabits the body of an animatronic alien, movie prop. He’s knows of a large inheritance that is owed to the person he’s haunting.

The principal from THE BREAKFAST CLUB plays the villain, Stan Gordon. I don’t know what motivates his behavior. This villain has one of his über-German cronies follow Warren and his friends. I think he wants the clock or something.

When I looked at the movie synopsis, I was under the impression the ghost would take over the body of a real alien. That’s something no one has done. Regardless of how good it was, I would still want to see a movie where an alien got possessed by a ghost, perhaps ALF. But a ghost inhabiting a doll, that is not interesting. That TED movie only worked because a ghost wasn’t involved.

While We’re On The Subject…

If I were a ghost, and got to inhabit a doll, I’d pick Teddy Ruxpin. I’d sound normal when a kid’s parents were around. Then, I don’t know…I’d have him run personal errands, and freak random people out. But I would only freak out crazy people. Because no one’s going to believe their story.

Questions

• Where did the alien butler find butler clothes in his size?


• How does the butler the reach the pedals when he drives a car?


• What’s this movie about?

On the surface this film looks derivative. Mostly because of the Yoda-ET-hybrid animatronic doll. But it’s not derivative. As a whole, this type of film has never been done before. And it should never be done again.

It looks like director, Roland Emmerich (INDEPENDENCE DAY, STARGATE), has a blemish, on an otherwise perfect cannon of studio art.

Ending On A Positive Note

That alien doll was kind of neat. I liked his accent, and overall personality. So in good conscience, I can’t possibly give this movie a zero.

Final Verdict: 10 out of 100
Sidenote: There is an uncut, PG-13 version of this film. It’s about 12 minutes longer. Be forwarned, this extra footage includes drinking, smoking, and profanity. It’s difficult to find this uncut movie, unless you want a German-dubbed, VHS copy.

Gravity

GRAVITY
91 Minutes
PG-13
Director: Alfonso Cuarón
Writers: Alfonso Cuarón, Jonás Cuarón
Sandra Bullock, George Clooney, Ed Harris

Cast
Sandra Bullock…Ryan Stone
George Clooney…Matt Kowalski
Ed Harris…Mission Control (voice)

I Believe I Can Fly
I Believe I Can Touch The Sky
I BELIEVE I CAN FLY, R Kelly

Space movies usually aren’t very convincing. Until now, you really had to suspend disbelief to get through a film, or episode of MAGIC SCHOOL BUS. Have you seen CONTACT? There is absolutely no way Matthew McConaughey would ever be interested in Jodie Foster. But I digress. I think the only space movie that’s as convincing as GRAVITY is 2001: A SPACE ODYSSEY.

I Think About It Every Night And Day
I Spread My Wings And Fly Away

Think of GRAVITY as TITANIC in the sky. Without the romantic chemistry between the two main characters. Matt and Ryan are working on an American space station. When they’re 8² miles high, they get wind of a possible PERFECT STORM of blown-up, satellite parts. They didn’t take the warning seriously until space junk came hurling toward them. At this point, they understood the GRAVITY of the situation. Getting out of this SPACE JAM will be difficult.

I don’t want to spoil anything, but George Clooney was dead the whole time…just kidding, I’m not ruining a movie this good.

I hate to get political, but all this happened because of the American debt crisis. When you don’t fund NASA properly, bad things can happen. Just the other day, I was unable to retrieve pictures of Saturn from the internet…for this review. But for Ryan and Matt, things are slightly tougher.

I Believe I Can Soar
I See Me Running Through That Open Door

I only had one issue with this film. The cast members weren’t nearly attractive enough (for their age). But seriously, I didn’t get what the original mission was. The project Ryan, and Matt were working on before everything went wrong. I guess it’s not that important.

If you don’t like George Clooney, speaking hypothetically, I can’t really say I know such a person, nor could I even imagine such a person…no, I mean beast. A Clooney-hating beast unworthy of inhabiting planet earth, or the firey hell below our feet. Yes, I believe that even inhuman monsters will enjoy GRAVITY. Watch this in an IMAX theater, with 3D glasses.

I Believe I Can Fly
I Believe I Can Fly
I Believe I Can Fly

FInal Verdict: 95 out of 100

After Earth

AFTER EARTH
PG-13
100 Minutes
Director: M. Night Shyamalan
Writer: Gary Whittaker, M. Night Shyamalan
Will Smith, Jaden Smith, David Denman

'It's a full time job to be a good dad.'
-Will Smith

CAST
Jaden Smith ... Kitai Raige
Will Smith ... Cypher Raige
Sophie Okonedo ... Faia Raige
Zoë Kravitz ... Senshi Raige (as Zoe Isabella Kravitz)

‘From the mind of M Night Shyamalan...’
Please, try to hold your laughter. I've got a film to review.

There is an interesting relationship between the public and M. Night Shyamalan. It's like that of my parents on report card day. As long as I didn't threaten to blow up the school, I surpassed their expectations. But Mister Shyamalan-ding-dong has pissed of far too many people, and his reputation is coming back to haunt him, like a well-conceived character in one of his movies.

M. Night has yet to direct a good movie. UNBREAKABLE was okay, even good in specific parts, but it merely approaches good without arriving at the destination.But I know AFTER EARTH will be different.

Earth to Will

In AFTER EARTH, Will Smith plays a black Captain Picard. Or shall I say Captain Picard plays a white Will Smith. Will has played many a military, and law enforcement personnel. But none of those roles prepared him for this. Except, I AM LEGEND, ID4, LEGEND OF BAGGAR VANCE, I,ROBOT, MIB, INDEPENDENCE DAY, HITCH, and THE SIX DEGREES OF SEPARATION.

Some time in the future...

Kitai Raige and his son, Cypher, two homeboys in outer space, are looking for are a nice place to crash. When their spaceship collides with into planet Earth, it renders Kitai immobile, so his son has to complete a dangerous obstacle course.Every step of the way, he instructs his son to navigate the planet.

Kitai goes back to earth and back in time. He arrives at the year 1990, and Jayden is going to West Philadelphia to prevent Will from getting in one little fight. No, I'm joking, he's going to Bel Air to prevent Carlton from taking speed at a dance.

Back To The Real Story

Cypher is a military officer, who is never fun to be around. I believe he has Asperger's or something. His son, Kitai, only wants his father's approval, but has a tough time getting it. Good thing we have a couple of hours to resolve this issue.

Just The Two Of Us.

This film, should we place the blame in on Will Smith or M. Knight. The credits show the story was written by Will Smith, but is that the truth? I think so. Look at the character names: Kitai, Cypher, Faisal, Senshi. Only one man, with a daughter named Willow, could give human beings such bizarre names.

AFTER EARTH has many flaws, but it's not awful, just shy of average. More than anything, this film is forgettable.

Final Verdict: 60 out of 100

Oblivion

OBlIVION
PG-13
124 Minutes
Director: Joseph Kosinski
Writers: Joseph Kosinski, Karl Gajdusek
Tom Cruise, Morgan Freeman, Olga Kurylenko

CAST
Tom Cruise … Jack
Morgan Freeman … Beech
Olga Kurylenko … Julia
Andrea Riseborough … Victoria
Nikolaj Coster-Waldau … Sykes

‘You’re everyone’s problem. That’s because every time you go up in the air, you’re unsafe. I don’t like you because you’re dangerous.’ Iceman, TOP GUN (1986)

I’m going to try to get through this without making any jokes about Tom Cruise, his religious beliefs, his level of sanity, past romances, or his small stature; because those jokes have been made already , and I don’t like redundancy.

Nut-job-scientologist-divorcé, strikes gold once again. John Travolta tells his long-time buddy, Tom Cruise, to audition for OBLIVION.

I can’t stay away from an apocalypse movie. I like seeing people at their worst. To grossly paraphrase Charles Dickens, the worst of times can bring out the best in people.

Tom Cruise is still getting parts for non-pornographic films. Which is great. Because in the future, his only option will be; to write, direct, produce, and play all the roles, in one of his own movies. Eddie Murphy-style.

The year is 2077. The rest of humanity is going to Titan. Jack Harper is the last man on a war-torn earth. He fixes robots, because they’re not smart enough to fix themselves yet.

Nearly an hour elapses before Morgan Freeman appears in this movie. Nothing too memorable here. His character was interchangeable. But I do like the Bill Cosby, with sunglasses look.

What’s the deal with the flicker in the futuristic video-phones. You can Skype, in HD, as it is. But just because that’s how it was done in STAR WARS 30 years ago doesn’t mean we have to stick with that model.

TOP GUN is the picture that peaked Cruise’s interest in aviation; without his interest in flying contraptions, this movie doesn’t exist. Which leads me to my next subject.

The Ways… I Mean: The One Way In Which TOP GUN Is Superior To OBLIVION

Just like every Hitler needs a Mussolini. Every ‘Maverick’, needs an ‘Iceman’. Jack Harper does fight a clone of himself (you can tell they’re different because one of them has a goatee). I’m sorry, but that’s just not the same as having an ice-cold nemesis.

Conclusion

With a handful of exceptions. Most of Tom Cruises movies are better than average. And yes, this is one of those movies. Good, but not quite excellent. Nonetheless, you should see this because, visually, this film is spectacular.

Final Verdict: 80 out of 100

Jurassic Attack

JURASSIC ATTACK
84 Minutes
NR
Director: Anthony Fankhauser
Writer: Rafael Jordan
Corin Nemec, Alicia Ziegler, Gary Stretch, Vernon Wells

CAST
Corin Nemec--Colonel Carter
Vernon Wells--Agent Grimaldi
Gary Stretch--Captain John Steakley
Alicia Ziegler--Sarah Haldeman

'You cannot land on this island.'
-JURASSIC PARK III

Yes, The Non-Dinosaur Parts Really Are That Bad.

What I like about watching movies on computers, is you can fast-forward  through an entire movie, and still get the gist of things.

There's nothing wrong with rehashing an old story. Here, we start out with a stripped down version of THE LOST WORLD (not the movie). Somehow, this classic story got ruined.

An élite team of American soldiers, tries to hunt down a Benicio Del Toro-looking, Che Guevara-wannabe; the guerilla leader of a miscellaneous, Central American country. I'm not sure why things end up in dinosaur country. But stick with me.

The only human living in this dinosuar world is an eccentric recluse. The sole protector of these majestic inhabitants. He's kind of like Dian Fossey in GORILLAS IN THE MIST (1988). Forget about the traditional palaeontologist garb, this professor prefers to look like a caveman from a Geico commercial.

There is one character. I don't know what his job title is, he where's a suit and tie, and barks orders at the Colonel. This man is all about blowing up the dinosaurs. But they live in a self-contained ecosystem, with no clear entrance or exit. It seems to me, blowing them up is logistically improbable. It's a small flaw in an otherwise flawless premise.

I acknowledge, with a crazy story, you have to suspend disbelief. But I can't ignore how American soldiers are portrayed. No one bothers with trying to sound American. I hear Dutch, English, and German accents, which makes perfect sense because they're an American Army unit.

Dynamite More Like 'Dino-Mite'

What I found most offensive was how they killed dinosaurs. With RPGs and automatic weapons. There's a blatant disregard for what is, essentially. a priceless, biological anomaly. Where is Sarah Mclachlan when you need her?

Forget about seeing this. You'll find more believable dinosaurs on BARNEY AND FRIENDS. This isn't good enough for Redbox. This isn't even good enough to appear on the SyFy channel at three in the morning.  If I was the filmmaker, and was just looking to make some quick cash.  I'd create a holographic DVD cover, put a misleading synopsis on the back, misquote Roger Ebert, and insert a random clip of Jeff Goldblum into the film.

Over the past decade there have been many good dinosaur programs, by the Discovery channel, and the BBC. Watch one of them, if you like dinosaurs. I believe one of them is narrated by Alec Baldwin. But, if you don't like dinosaurs, then please accept my sincerest apologies for having wasted your time.

Final Verdict: 23 out of 100

Robot and Frank

ROBOT AND FRANK
PG-13
89 Minutes
Director: Jake Schreier
Writer: Christopher D. Ford
Stars: Peter Sarsgaard, Frank Langella, Susan Sarandon

Frank and the Heaven's Gate Dude; the resemblance is uncannyCast
Frank Langella--Frank
James Marsden--Hunter
Liv Tyler--Madison
Susan Sarandon--Jennifer
Peter Sarsgaard--Robot (voice)

'Before allowing a machine to take over a part of your life, make sure that you know the true price you will be paying.'-OUTER LIMITS, S07E01, FAMILY VALUES (the episode with Tom Arnold)

Isaac Asimov's 'Laws of Robotics' aren't real laws. Lazy science-fiction writers often forget this. Do you know how many cats those 'Roomba' vacuum cleaners have killed? Zero, thus far, but who knows what the future holds.

Frank is a retired cat burglar. As a gift, he receives a robot, to help with household chores. But this android is capable of so much more. As a machine, he has no moral qualms about robbing people. His only responsibility is to serve Frank, as Frank sees fit. With two 'men', Frank can plan a heist.

This fictional robot is not comparable to A.I., BICENTENNIAL MAN, or 'Urkel-Bot'. Those characters were played by actors pretending to be robots. Although, strangely enough, only in BICENTENNIAL MAN, does Robin Williams come close to resembling a human being.

We're dealing with robot-looking robots here. A human-sounding, robot-looking android. If you want to hear my thoughts on robots that look like people, and whether it's okay to make love to a robot that looks like your wife's friend. You'll have to wait.

Frank's robot behaves like an impressionable child, a nagging wife, and a criminal mastermind. He's got a 'KITT', from KNIGHT-RIDER, demeanor. Resembling a LEGO STAR WARS SNOWTROOPER.

More than anything, ROBOT AND FRANK is a little boring. It seems as though the film maker was trying hard to make a point. But I can't decipher what that point actually was. That's not to say this film didn't explore interesting issues, it certainly did. One of those issues: man's emotional attachment to robots. But if you really wanted to explore this attachment, you could have just as easily watched FUTURAMA, or that movie with 'Number 5' and Steve Gutenberg.

Final Verdict: 72 out of 100

Total Recall

TOTAL RECALL
PG-13
118 Minutes
Director: Len Wiseman
Writers: Kurt Wimmer, Mark Bomback, Ronald Shusett, Dan O'Bannon
Jon Povill, Philip K. Dick
Colin Farrell, Bokeem Woodbine, Bryan Cranston

Cast
Colin Farrell ... Douglas Quaid / Hauser
Kate Beckinsale ... Lori Quaid
Jessica Biel ... Melina
Bryan Cranston ... Cohaagen
Bokeem Woodbine ... Harry
Bill Nighy ... Matthias

Joe: Hey, you guys, here's one for you. Let's say none of us were married, all right? If you could have any woman in the world, who would it be?...

Peter: Oh, like you got to ask. The chick with three knockers from TOTAL RECALL. ...

Quagmire: Hey, you know one was papier-mâché, right?

Peter: Oh, jeez, can I change my answer? Of course I know it's paper! I don't care! What's wrong with you?

 -FAMILY GUY--A FISH OUT OF WATER (2001)

I thought this was the day I was finally going to see a good Colin Farrell film. But no, one can dream though, one can dream.

TOTAL RECALL is about the parallel universe in which Al Gore became president in 2000. Just kidding, that idea is far too original to ever see the big screen.

What we have here is a remake. Just because something is redone, doesn't make it bad. I was just watching that last MADAGASCAR movie, it took them three times, and they finally got that right. I know, most impressive, indeed.

The original TOTAL RECALL (1990), was a cinematic masterpiece to behold : Ah-nold at his absolute finest. Alright, that was an exaggeration, not his best work, literally speaking. I'll just call it somewhere between TERMINATOR 2, and JINGLE ALL THE WAY.

Redoing TOTAL RECALL, would be like redoing KINDERGARTEN COP. I can just see it now...Verne Troyer, with prosthetics, would play a convincing kindergartner. The plot: fake DARE officers are selling drugs to kids during recess. Detective John Kimble needs to investigate this before another kid ODs, face down—on the soccer field.

There is no reason to enjoy the latest version of TOTAL RECALL. Sure, there are some entertaining parts, but this film takes far too a somber tone: there's not one single joke, no one even cracks a smile. The CGI is flawless, but technically speaking, so is an autotuned song.

Even in bad movies, it's fun to see another's vision of the future. But can we just let go of the hovercraft thing. I don't think humans are capable of operating a car in three dimensions. Bruce Willis did it in 5TH ELEMENT, but he's the exception, he's always the exception.

If I live long enough, perhaps someone could implant a memory of me enjoying this movie. Because implanting a memory of me not watching it, might mean I accidently stumble upon this movie one day...the destructive pattern would only repeat itself. I don't have to go any further, you've all seen ETERNAL SUNSHINE OF THE SPOTLESS MIND (2004). 

Final Verdict: 45 out of 100

The Watch

THE WATCH

111 Minutes

R

Director: Akiva Schaffer

Writers: Seth Rogen, Evan Goldberg

Ben Stiller, Vince Vaughn, Jonah Hill, Richard Ayoade

Cast

Ben Stiller as Evan

Vince Vaughn as Bob

Jonah Hill as Franklin

Richard Ayoade as Jamarcus

Rosemarie DeWitt as Evan's wife

Will Forte as Sergeant Bressman

'...Cause for real, a mind is a terrible thing to waste' - DEAD PREZ 

The Plot

Three kids, Evan, Bob, and Franklin stumble upon a rare Casio wrist watch. They accidentally discover that they can manipulate time with this device. Which only leads to a series of immature pranks. Like traveling to 1973, so they could pull down the pants of Henry Kissinger, as he accepted the Nobel Peace Prize.

No, this isn't really what the movie is about. But I kind of wish it was. Everyone involved with THE WATCH is capable of making a better movie. I wouldn't call it half-baked, but rather a full baked idea. THE WATCH is an incomplete movie that started out with a good enough idea, but clearly someone got bored in the middle (or closer to the beginning) of making this.

ILLEGAL ALIENS WORKING AT COSTCO

Ben Stiller plays a Costco manager, who has a rather boring and predictable life in the suburbs. Upon arriving at work one morning, the police tell him that the night security guard is disemboweled, but not by aliens.

This is not the Ben you love from TROPIC THUNDER, he's the full-on, NIGHT AT THE MUSEUM/MEET THE PARENTS-Ben Stiller.

The police department doesn't know what they're doing. So Evan vows to avenge the murder of his kinda-work-friend. At this point, he knows nothing of aliens, or their planned invasion. So Evan, Bob, Franklin, and Jamarcus form the neighborhood watch. This is where the supposed fun begins...

'He Walks Amongst Us, But He Is Not One Of Us.'

One of the neighborhood watchmen is an alien. He's the actor you never heard of. 

Vince Vaughn's character is just that dumb white guy in any commercial. You know the guy: when his wife is on vacation, he blows up the kitchen, trying to cook breakfast for the kids. Uh-oh, someone should have picked up McGriddles at the drive through.

That's A Wrap

You should buy this movie. That's right, I said that. Go to Costco, and buy several copies of THE WATCH. Then you take the movie cases from that box set of GAME OF THRONES, that you own. Make fake labels for the DVDs themselves, so everything looks completely legitimate. Then, give it as a present on April Fools' Day, with a post-it that says, 'because I love you'.  Two months later, when said person actually wants to watch GAME OF THRONES, they'll notice that all the discs are copies of this crappy movie. From there, I'd imagine you might become the victim of domestic violence. 

Final Verdict: 45  out of 100

Prometheus

PROMETHEUS
R
124 Minutes
Writers: Jon Spaihts, Damon Lindelof
Director: Ridley Scott
Tom Hardy, Michael Fassbender, Meredith Vickers, Noomi Rapace, Charlize Theron

Hey, Mr. Spaceman
Won't you please take me along
I won't do anything wrong
Hey, Mr. Spaceman
Won't you please take me along for a ride
- MR. SPACEMAN, The Byrds (1966)

Cast
Noomi Rapace...Elizabeth Shaw
Michael Fassbender...David
Charlize Theron...Meredith Vickers
Idris Elba...Janek
Guy Pearce...Peter Weyland
Logan Marshall-Green...Charlie Holloway
Sean Harris...Fifield
Rafe Spall...Millburn
Emun Elliott...Chance
Benedict Wong...Ravel
Kate Dickie...Ford

What initially attracted me to this film was the title, Prometheus. How apt, the real Prometheus stole fire from the gods. As punishment, he was then chained to a rock, where a vulture would feast on his liver daily.

I feel funny critiquing Michael Fassbender. After all, he played a movie critic in Inglourious Basterds (2009). Here, he plays 'David', a robot closely resembling a human being. Not that a Half-Bred Vulcan could mate with an Android, why, that would be preposterous.

Quotes
'Want, not a concept I'm familiar with.'
'Doesn't everyone want their parents dead?'
'Sometimes to create, one must destroy.'
'It must feel like your God abandoned you.'
'Your father died of Ebola.'
'I watched your dreams.'
'I can carry out directives that my future counterparts might find distressing or unethical.'
'He did speak in alien language, but I'm unable to find those translations.'

Humanoid robots need to be indistinguishable from people, otherwise people freak out. Believe me, Bicentennial Man (1999) haunts me till this very day. Every time I walk into a crowded movie theater, I think, please, please don't let this be as bad as Bicentennial Man.
Few films get this existential without looking ridiculous, especially with science fiction. This is not a movie made for retards or overgrown man-children. I heard a co-worker complain about this film. In disbelief, I blurted out, 'really, what the hell movie were you watching?'. I'm fairly certain that we'll be on speaking terms some day.

There are other movies similar to this one. Namely, the underrated masterpiece: The Thing (1982). Kurt Russell plays in Antarctic 'research scientist'. I especially like the scene where he dumps bourbon on the computer after losing a chess game. But I digress.

There is one thing I found distracting; Dr. Shaw was always pronounced as 'Dr. Scholl'. I thought it was done on purpose, perhaps an obscure reference that I had no knowledge of (which is highly unlikely).

Miraculously, science-fiction clichés are avoided in Prometheus. For example, the black guy didn't die first. The CGI and 3D imagery wasn't obnoxious. And most importantly, Jeff Goldblum is nowhere to be seen. Job Well-Dunn.

Final Verdict: 92 out of 100

Sidenote: You should show up late to this movie. With previews, and the cartoon short, the actual film didn't get started until 25 minutes after the scheduled start time.

MIB III

MEN IN BLACK III
PG-13
Director: Barry Sonnenfeld
Writers: Etan Cohen, Lowell Cunningham
Will Smith, Tommy Lee Jones, Josh Brolin

I wear my sunglasses at night
So I can so I can See the light that's right before my eyes
-Corey Hart

Cast

Will Smith Agent J (Jay)
Tommy Lee Jones Agent K (Kay)
Josh Brolin Young Agent K (Kay)

Sci-Fi comedies are either great, or their awful: there is no in between. On one side, we have BIG TROUBLE IN LITTLE CHINA, and on the other, MY STEPMOTHER IS AN ALIEN.

The first MEN IN BLACK, deputed in the summer of 1997. About as good as summer blockbusters get. It had subtle, offbeat humor. Vincent D'Onofrio made the entire movie with that incredibly funny character, Edgar.

As for the sequel, MEN IN BLACK II was never actually made, due to the time traveling in MEN IN BLACK III. At least, that's what I'd like to believe.

In this latest installment, Agent J arrives in 1969 to prevent something from happening to Agent K.

Tommy Lee Jones made this film franchise believable. You take one look at him, and instinctively, you know he can keep a secret. Yet, he isn't present for most of the movie.

With TRUE GRIT, and NO COUNTRY FOR OLD MEN, inevitably, Josh Brolin will fall of the pedestal I placed him on. But that day, has yet to arrive. In this movie, he completely captures the essence of Tommy Lee Jones/Agent K. With the appearance of a young Richard Nixon. Brolin portrays an authentic, younger version of Special Agent K.

MEN IN BLACK is one of the best theme songs Will Smith has ever created, it's right up there with WILD WILD WEST, and THE FRESH PRINCE BEL-AIR: kudos.

With his universal likability, some have hailed him the 'Tom Hanks of the 90s'. And even though he hasn't made many of, what people might call 'good movies': Will Smith is not disappearing any time soon. Besides, who else is going to play Barack Obama in a future movie, say, 10-15 years from now?

Watching Miss Universe competitions, it's easy to forget how small we actually are. MEN IN BLACK III is an intergalactic comedy that will bring you right back down to earth...(get it?).

Definitely a family film, and by that, I don't mean plain or inoffensive, like HITCH. Your entire family might actually enjoy this movie. Which is great, because after all, 'sometimes parents just don't understand'.

Final Verdict: 70 out of 100

Sidenote: Speaking of alien life forms. There is rumor of a possible ALF movie.

I don’t believe the timing is or ever will be right for an ALF film adaptation, but if someone pulled a Morpheus and allowed me to choose the path of my existence, one in a world without an ALF movie and one with an ALF movie, I would pick the ALF movie, mostly because I’m not fond of cats.

-Paul Fusco, ALF creator

The Hunger Games

THE HUNGER GAMES

PG-13

144 Minutes

Director: Gary Ross

Writers: Gary Ross, Suzanne Collins, Billy Ray

Jennifer Lawerence, Josh Hutcherson, Liam Hemsworth, Stanley Tucci

The best movie featuring Ice-T and Gary Busey.                                    

CAST

Jennifer Lawrence--Katniss Everdeen

Willow Shields--Primrose Everdeen

Josh Hutcherson--Peeta Mellark

Liam Hemsworth--Gale Hawthorne

Stanley Tucci--Caesar Flickerman

Wes Bentley--Seneca Crane

Elizabeth Banks--Effie Trinket

Woody Harrelson--Haymitch Abernathy 

'With these hungry eyes. One look at you and I can't disguise. I've got hungry eyes. I feel the magic between you and I.'                                              -HUNGRY EYES, by Eric Carmen

'In penance for there uprising, each district shall offer up a male and a female between the ages of 12 and 18 at a public reaping.'

There are 12 districts, and only one individual lives.  A negative raffle of sorts; reminiscent of THE LOTTERY, by Shirley Jackson. Her younger sister, Primrose (Shields) got selected, but Lawrence volunteered instead.

In the country of 'Panem', which includes all North America. The largest, wealthiest, most powerful city in the entire world is named: 'The Capitol'. Yes, that is the official city name. The writers must have pulled an 'all-nighter' coming up with that one.

I'm not sure what year this is supposed to be; for all I know it could be from the past. Perhaps it's the lost civilization of Atlantis.

The inhabitants of 'The Capitol' look like extras from a Katie Perry video. Except, no one shooting with whipped cream out of their tits.

Haymitch Abernathy (Harrelson) won the games may years ago, he serves as Primrose's mentor. Woody Harrelson is always playing a burnout. It's like Jeremy Piven, he's always playing a dick...with bad hair plugs.

There's a bee hive.

So?

Stand back.

Are you crazy? You'll get stung!

-MY GIRL (1991)

That scene from MY GIRL, whereMacaulay Culkin dies (spoiler alert). They take that scene and make it much deadlier. Except in this movie, it's used as weapon to kill people on purpose. 

When the games are going on, the movie is entertaining. Which is about 35% of the film. Jennifer Lawrence's carries most of that 35 percent. 

This movie raises many 'Why' questions.

Namely:

• What planet do they live on?

• Are they in a separate, parallel universe?

• Is this parallel universe based on junk science?

• Would people really tolerate this sort of thing?

• How does their economy function?

• What was the point of all this?

THE TRUMAN SHOW, SURVIVOR, RAMBO, and JERSEY SHORE. THE HUNGER GAMES combines all of these things. Which sounds much cooler than it actually is. Stream this on Netflix, when you're hungover...and you don't have anything better to watch.

Final Verdict: 70 out of 100

Melancholia (Mini-review)

MELANCHOLIA
R
130 minutes
Director: Lars von Trier
Writer: Lars von Trier
Stars: Kirsten Dunst, Charlotte Gainsbourg, Kiefer Sutherland

A big rock is on a collision course with earth.
What should we call this movie?
ARMAGEDDON? No, that is already taken.

ARMAGEDDON, the 1998 disaster film. What do I mean by disaster? The asteroid or the film itself. Like the term 'Patty Wagon': is the term derived from the Irish criminals, or the Irish cops?

The best and worst day of her life.
Justine (Dunst) and Michael (Skarsgård) are getting married on a giant estate, with an 18 hole golf course. Well into the wedding reception, the two have sex in a sand trap on a golf course (now that's what I call a hole in one).

Shortly after the soirée, Michael leaves Justine, forever.

Melancholia is similar to 2001: A SPACE ODDESY, except there is more dialogue. I would call this an avant-garde, concept film; one that is a bit self-indulgent at times.

Much effort was spent on this film, this is obvious in every frame. Vibrant colors, rich symbolism, and soundtrack that is nothing short of sublime.

Some of you may think this movie is too slow. Why isn't Jack Bauer doing anything? So I'll say this:71 minutes in, Kirsten Dunst gets naked, but in the context of this film, it's not very erotic.

Currently playing in limited areas, which means you might have to rent this. Ideally, this film should be seen in a theater. Either way, I do know one thing: this movie will rock your world.

Final Verdict 86 out of 100

Cowboys and Aliens Mini-Review

Cowboys and Aliens
118 mins
PG-13
Director: Jon Favreau
Writers: Roberto Orci (screenplay), Alex Kurtzman
Daniel Craig, Harrison Ford, Julio Cedillo, Olivia Wilde, Paul Dano, Olivia Wilde

“You have to stop thinking.”

-Ella Swenson (Wilde)

It seemed like a novelty movie. I figured, best case scenario: it would be about as good as Snakes on a Plane. 

Speaking of snakes.

Daniel Craig’s wrist, that looks familiar. And you are correct, I was looking for an excuse to watch Escape from LA.

It would be a waste of time to explain the plot, because there isn't one.

Harrison Ford plays a caricature of his other characters. He just kind of showed up for a paycheck, and nothing more.

Paul Dano (There Will Be Blood), plays his good-for-nothing, spoiled son.

This conversation between Harrison Ford and Eli Dano takes place toward the end.

Don’tcha remember me boy?

I’m sorry I don’t remember much.

I’m your father.

Oh Pa!

This movie ends like an episode of Bonanza.

This movie was good for about forty minutes; from there, it made no sense at all. And that is the worst kind of movie: one that picks you up, just to let you down. 

Final Verdict: 15 out of 100