Fast & Furious 6

FAST & FURIOUS 6
PG-13
130 minutes
Director: Justin Lin
Writers: Chris Morgan, Gary Scott Thompson (characters)
Vin Diesel, Paul Walker, Tyrese Gibson, Ludacris, Matt Schulze, Sung Kang

CAST
Dwanye Johnson…Hobbs  
Dominic Toretto…Vin Diesel
Brian O’Conner..Paul Walker
Michelle Rodriguez…Letty
Tyrese Gibson…Roman
Sung Kang… Han
Ludacris … Tej
Luke Evans… Shaw

‘I’m a little disappointed in the ass level of this movie. Me and Luda, specifically, are into way more voluptuous…round…not just a butt, were talking boboli’. –Tyrese Gibson (Interview, Jake the Movie Guy interview on YouTube…off the cuff…taken completely out of context)

Apart from LEONARD 6, in film franchises, the sixth movie usually isn’t very good. DEATH WISH 6 got made, but it was never released. As it turns out, no one wanted to see an 87-year old, Chuck Branson lie in a hospital bed for two hours. The DEATH WISH series isn’t about assisted suicide.

After barely escaping a car explosion, Letty develops amnesia. And now she is fighting for the bad guys, like Anakin Skywalker in STAR WARS.  This is OVERBOARD-style, she’s Goldie Hawn, and the Pierce Brosnan-sounding, villain is Kurt Russell. On a positive note, having amnesia means she doesn’t remember the first five ‘FAST AND FURIOUS’ movies.

I’d like to think, eventually, we’ll get to the point where we can create realistic avatars of ageing action stars, like they did with John Wayne in those beer commercials. They could make many people look less pathetic.

In my FAST FIVE review, I said Vin Diesel had Down Syndrome. It was completely out of line, it’s something I regret saying. Because that just makes people with Down syndrome look bad.

The white t-shirt and jeans look has never suited Dominic Toretto. A character like that, needs to wear a button-down shirt with flames on it.  Vin Diesel, that’s probably not his real name. I think he changed it, proactively, so he could appear in the perfect car movie. And when that didn’t pan out. He starred in THE FAST & FURIOUS. His scenes were priceless. Especially, when he’s talking to Michelle Rodriguez about the love they once shared. It makes you wonder whether she’s faking the amnesia to get out of the relationship.

‘Ride or Die’

FAST 6 is as close to perfection as it gets. I do have some minor complaints though. There weren’t enough explosions, suped-up Chargers, or chunks of bad dialogue.

Final Verdict: 15 out of 100

Sidenote: Fast 7 is on the way. Brace yourself.

The Snitch

THE SNITCH
112 Minutes
PG-13
Director: Ric Roman Waugh
Writers: Justin Haythe, Ric Roman Waugh Dwayne Johnson, Susan Sarandon, Jon Bernthal

‘That movie was about child custody too. But it wasn’t that good. It was- I don’t know, it was missing something, you know? Ah, what was it missing? I can’t- Oh wait, I know… arm wrestling!’
-Norm MacDonald SNL (09/27/97)

Cast
Dwayne Johnson John Matthews
Susan Sarandon Joanne Keeghan
Jon Bernthal Daniel James
Rafi Gavron Jason Collins

Yeah, we got a little ol' convoy. Ain't she a beautiful sight?

This is one trucker movie that isn’t OVER THE TOP.

I’m going to try to keep my professional wrestling comments to a minimum. But once again, ‘The Rock’ layeth the smackdown on some jabronis and really sticks it up their candy ass.

There are a few things that separate Dwayne Johnson from other action stars, both past and present. First, he doesn’t beat up his wife…because he isn’t married. Secondly, he’s the current WWE Champion in his eighth reign. Lastly, and most importantly; with ‘The Rock’ and the characters he portrays, you know he’s going to finish what he starts. Just look at that movie poster. Do you have any doubts about what that man can accomplish?

Most men with male pattern baldness, have to address it eventually. And the way you address it matters. Like Jeremy Piven, he looked ridiculous with those awful hair plugs. But being completely bald is better than the cul-de-sac look, or the bad Giuliani comb over. Steve Martin had an interesting move, getting a toupée that made it look like he was balding. Dwayne Johnson never had much hair to begin with. So this head shaving business, it’s something he did very begrudgingly.

The Plot

The son, Jason, is FedExed some ecstasy. His friend set him up to avoid jail time. He has far too much integrity to pull the same thing on someone else.

The premise isn’t 100% believable. Working with the DEA; John uses his trucking business to take on ruthless drug lords, all to get his son out of jail. Also, it was tough accepting Susan Sarandon as an ultraconservative federal prosecutor. But it’s all inspired by real events. Which could mean absolutely anything.

Parting Words

I’m sure Dwayne Johnson will be in many more bad movie sequels. But over time, I see him evolving into a more mature, distinguished sort of actor. Maybe, he could star in a remake of THE ROCK, just to confuse the hell out of everyone.

But yeah, looking forward to FAST SIX.

Final Verdict: 75 out of 100