Ride Along

RIDE ALONG
PG-13
99 Minutes
Director: Tim Story   
Writers: Greg Coolidge, Jason Mantzoukas, Phil Hay, Matt Manfredi
Ice Cube, Kevin Hart, Tika Sumpter

CAST
Ice Cube…  James Payton
Kevin Hart…Ben Barber
John Leguizamo…Santiago
Bruce McGill…Lt. Brooks
Tika Sumpter…Angela Payton
Laurence Fishburne…Omar

Fuck The Police

Ice-T paved the way for other former rappers to play cops, like LL Cool J in NCIS: Los Angeles. So it’s not much of a shock to see AmeriKKKa’s Most Wanted play a cop in film. Still, a rapper playing a cop, that’s crazy. It’s like Dr. Dre becoming a business person.

This isn’t a buddy-cop movie. That genre is too cliché. RIDE ALONG is about two men in a squad car, that don’t get along very well.

We Be (Billy) Clubbin’ 

Okay, let me set this movie up for you. James Payton, is on a high-speed chase, with foreign criminals, he destroys half the town, without apprehending the suspect. But, wait, there’s a twist: the police chief is an angry jerk. And this incident really pisses him off. Oh man, Ice Cube is a loose cannon.

Ben Barber is a security guard. He was just accepted into the police academy. But before he starts basic training; Ben wants to go on a ride along…with his very abrasive, future brother-in-law.

Every bad cop movie needs a villain. In this movie, it’s THE MATRIX guy. No, not that MATRIX guy, the one whose daughter does porn. Anyway, he plays the kingpin of an international criminal enterprise.

We don’t find out until the end that the  other cops in the force are crooked. And they’re working for the kingpin. Laurence Fishburne makes an enticing offer to Ice Cube: work for me, and I won’t shoot you, and c’mon, we’d make good partners. But Ice Cube has far too much integrity to accept the deal.

This film unfolds as you would expect: it doesn’t. If only it wasn’t a little more self-aware. They could’ve worked the satirical angle. Like THE HEAT.

Kevin Hart has overextended himself. He’s trying too hard to be the next Eddie Murphy. That last standup special was very half-Harted. As a comedian, you can get away with being a funny guy that appears in bad movies, like Chris Rock. But if you’re an unfunny comedian, that appears in bad movies, then you’re Martin Lawrence.

I’m a fan of Ice Cube’s road trip movies…I mean his music. So it’s tough for me to criticize him. But he’s become what he’s always despised: a studio gangsta.

Today was not a good day.

Final Verdict: 10 out of 100
Sidenote: Brace yourself, there are rumors of a sequel

Homefront

HOMEFRONT
R
100 Minutes
Director: Gary Fielder
Writer: Sylvester Stallone
Jason Statham, James Franco, Winona Ryder

CAST
Jason Statham…Phil Broker
James Franco…Morgan ‘Gator’ Bodine
Izabela Vidovic…Maddy Broker
Winona Ryder…Sheryl Marie Mott

Ex-DEA agent, Phil Broker, moved to a new town with his daughter. His wife died and now he’s doing things Danny Tanner style. By mopping the floor clean with his enemies. I don’t know what he does for a living.   His daughter gets in a fight at school with the wrong kid. And this unleashes a battle that really blows the situation out of proportion.

HOMEFRONT feels a bit like ROADHOUSE, except ROADHOUSE wasn’t this ridiculous. This movie feels closer to a condensed episode of BREAKING BAD. Without a story or character development. Gator is like Walter White. Phil is like a bald, DEA agent. There’s no Skyler though. Phil’s wife is long dead. Oh man, you know this is going to be good. Because DEA agents and drug lords go together about as well as two positively-charged ions.

Regardless of the character he’s playing, it’s always difficult not to root for James Franco. And in that way, I think he’s like a skinny Louie Anderson.  But in HOMEFRONT, he plays an unsympathetic, almost comically evil, villain. I didn’t have a problem with Franco cooking meth, but when he killed that kitten, that’s where I stop rooting for him. I found out later, he merely abducted the kitten of a nine-year-old girl. Okay cool, now I’m back on the Franco trolley. But then he tries to kill Jason Statham, and perhaps not return the kitten. This is where I had mixed emotions. On one hand, all the meth money is helping the community, but on the other hand, he’s a sociopath. But then again, meth makes people more productive…hmmm

I’m genuinely surprised to see Jason Statham and James Franco in the same movie. I wonder what the conversation was like for Franco and his agent…

So I’m playing a dooshy, meth dealer, and Jason Statham is the guy seeking revenge on me. And what’s that…Sly Stallone wrote it. Call me Thompson’s Water Seal, cuz I am on board. Perhaps I’ll have to make my trophy case larger, with all the Oscars I’m taking home from this film. And what the hell, why did you wait so long to tell me about this project?…You’re fired.

Everyone dies in the end. Not in this movie though. I think everyone knows how HOMEFRONT ends. One guy kills any desire you had to see movies with Jason Statham.

Final Verdict: 45 out of 100

23 Minutes To Sunrise

23 MINUTES TO SUNRISE
NR
80 Minutes
Director: Jay Kanzler
Writers: Patrick Pinkston, Jay Kanzler
Eric Roberts, Nia Peeples, Bob Zany

Cast
Daniel…Julia Robert’s Brother
Rachel…Mia Peeples
Eddie…Dingani Bess
Ted…Bob Zany
Sheila …Jilanne Klaus
Hannah…Haley Busch

‘Pssst… psssssst…  Are you afraid to die, or do you wanna live forever …’
-2pac, ONLY FEAR OF DEATH

23 MINUTES TO SUNRISE reminds me of that NIGHTHAWKS painting. A bunch of miserable people eating at a corner diner, watching 23 MINUTES TO SUNRISE on television. Most of this film takes place at a diner.

Something about this diner is a bit off; maybe it’s the cherry pie.  It’s not hell, we know that much. The only restaurants in hell are Denny’s and IHOP. Maybe Arby’s, depending on which circle of Dante’s hell you happen to reside in.  Either way, there would be Muzak with Lenny Kravitz ‘FLY AWAY’ playing on a constant loop. 

‘Some people are afraid to die; sometimes, I think waking up alive seems worse.’
 
These are the words of an intriguing line cook at a late-night diner. His tours in both, Iraq and Afghanistan, have filled his soul with an existential thirst, which can never be quenched, not even with the mightiest chalice of Sprite . His figurative wounds can only be healed with a pen and paper. Eddie is using GI Bill money to take an English class at the University…of Devry.

Daniel is one of many shady people, eating at the diner.  He’s there with, what appears to be, a 30-year old female. She has 23 minutes to trade her immortality with an unsuspecting diner patron (I don’t understand how 23 minutes get stretched out to 80).

I like how they went with the name Daniel. Nothing too clever, like ‘John Milton’, ‘Joe Black’, or ‘Grim Reaper’. Just Daniel.

Eric Roberts, you might recognize him as the villain from THE SPECIALIST.  On the small screen, he is known for his cameo on CELEBRITY REHAB.

An interesting premise, that fails to explore significant questions. Trim this down, and this could be the opening scene in an X-FILES episode.

Immorality has its perks and its drawbacks. Immortality though, that’s the business, there is only upside. Even someone with eternal life, might not have enough time to see this eighty minute film.

Final Verdict: 43 out of 100

Jurassic Attack

JURASSIC ATTACK
84 Minutes
NR
Director: Anthony Fankhauser
Writer: Rafael Jordan
Corin Nemec, Alicia Ziegler, Gary Stretch, Vernon Wells

CAST
Corin Nemec--Colonel Carter
Vernon Wells--Agent Grimaldi
Gary Stretch--Captain John Steakley
Alicia Ziegler--Sarah Haldeman

'You cannot land on this island.'
-JURASSIC PARK III

Yes, The Non-Dinosaur Parts Really Are That Bad.

What I like about watching movies on computers, is you can fast-forward  through an entire movie, and still get the gist of things.

There's nothing wrong with rehashing an old story. Here, we start out with a stripped down version of THE LOST WORLD (not the movie). Somehow, this classic story got ruined.

An élite team of American soldiers, tries to hunt down a Benicio Del Toro-looking, Che Guevara-wannabe; the guerilla leader of a miscellaneous, Central American country. I'm not sure why things end up in dinosaur country. But stick with me.

The only human living in this dinosuar world is an eccentric recluse. The sole protector of these majestic inhabitants. He's kind of like Dian Fossey in GORILLAS IN THE MIST (1988). Forget about the traditional palaeontologist garb, this professor prefers to look like a caveman from a Geico commercial.

There is one character. I don't know what his job title is, he where's a suit and tie, and barks orders at the Colonel. This man is all about blowing up the dinosaurs. But they live in a self-contained ecosystem, with no clear entrance or exit. It seems to me, blowing them up is logistically improbable. It's a small flaw in an otherwise flawless premise.

I acknowledge, with a crazy story, you have to suspend disbelief. But I can't ignore how American soldiers are portrayed. No one bothers with trying to sound American. I hear Dutch, English, and German accents, which makes perfect sense because they're an American Army unit.

Dynamite More Like 'Dino-Mite'

What I found most offensive was how they killed dinosaurs. With RPGs and automatic weapons. There's a blatant disregard for what is, essentially. a priceless, biological anomaly. Where is Sarah Mclachlan when you need her?

Forget about seeing this. You'll find more believable dinosaurs on BARNEY AND FRIENDS. This isn't good enough for Redbox. This isn't even good enough to appear on the SyFy channel at three in the morning.  If I was the filmmaker, and was just looking to make some quick cash.  I'd create a holographic DVD cover, put a misleading synopsis on the back, misquote Roger Ebert, and insert a random clip of Jeff Goldblum into the film.

Over the past decade there have been many good dinosaur programs, by the Discovery channel, and the BBC. Watch one of them, if you like dinosaurs. I believe one of them is narrated by Alec Baldwin. But, if you don't like dinosaurs, then please accept my sincerest apologies for having wasted your time.

Final Verdict: 23 out of 100